IELTS Writing : don't use these phrases

(아이엘츠 라이팅 강좌 #12 : 결론 빠르게 마무리하기)

참조 : ielts-simon.com

 아래 아이엘츠 라이팅2 에세이에는 결론 부분을 비워놨다. 직접 써보는 연습을 해본 후 그 아래 결론과 비교해보자. 결론(Conclusion)은 짧고(Short), 간단하게(Simple)하게 쓰는 것이 정석이다. 새로운 것은 전혀 언급할 필요없으며, 질문의 대답답변을 반복하거나 요약하면 된다.

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

 It is true that some celebrities are known for their glamourous lifestyles rather than for the work they do. While I agree that these celebrities set a bad example for children, I believe that other famous people act as positive role models.

 On the one hand, many people do achieve fame without really working for it. They may have inherited money from parents, married a famous or wealthy person, or they may have appeared in gossip magazines or on a reality TV programme. A good example would be Paris Hilton, who is rich and famous for the wrong reasons. She spends her time attending parties and nightclubs, and her behaviour promotes the idea that appearance, glamour and media profile are more important than hard work and good character. The message to young people is that success can be achieved easily, and that school work is not necessary.

 On the other hand, there are at least as many celebrities whose accomplishments make them excellent role models for young people. Actors, musicians and sports stars become famous idols because they have worked hard and applied themselves to develop real skills and abilities. They demonstrate great effort, determination and ambition, which is required for someone who wants to be truly successful in their chosen field. An example is the actor and martial artist Jackie Chan, who has become world famous through years of practice and hard work. This kind of self-made celebrity can inspire children to develop their talents through application and perseverance.

직접 결론을 써보자

 고득점을 받고 싶다면, 메인 바디에 최대한 시간을 많이 들여야한다는 걸 잊지말자. 그러기 위해선 시험 시간이 거의 다 끝났을때 결론을 빠르게 마무리하는 것이 매우 중요하다.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the influence of celebrities on young people can be positive as well as negative.