아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
Women can do everything that men can and they even do it better. They also can do many things that men cannot. But it is a fact that their work is not appreciated as much as men's. What do you think?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 7
The essay covers the task effectively, engaging with the topic and presenting a clear position. The arguments are developed appropriately with reasoning and supporting examples. The student could improve by more directly addressing the part of the prompt that discusses the lack of appreciation for women's work.
Coherence & Cohesion: 8
The writer's ideas are logically organized and there are clear connections between sentences and paragraphs. The essay demonstrates good use of linking words and cohesive devices.
Lexical Resource: 7
The essay showcases a good range of vocabulary and some less common lexical items. However, there are occasions where word choice could be improved, such as 'blinded/veiled applicants’ abilities'.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
The essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range, with a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are a few minor errors, such as 'women can be superior than men'.
Overall: 7.25
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task, coherent arguments, good vocabulary and a satisfactory range of grammatical structures. However, addressing the prompt more directly and reducing grammatical errors would result in a higher score.
Task Response: 7
The essay covers the task effectively, engaging with the topic and presenting a clear position. The arguments are developed appropriately with reasoning and supporting examples. The student could improve by more directly addressing the part of the prompt that discusses the lack of appreciation for women's work.
Coherence & Cohesion: 8
The writer's ideas are logically organized and there are clear connections between sentences and paragraphs. The essay demonstrates good use of linking words and cohesive devices.
Lexical Resource: 7
The essay showcases a good range of vocabulary and some less common lexical items. However, there are occasions where word choice could be improved, such as 'blinded/veiled applicants’ abilities'.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
The essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range, with a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are a few minor errors, such as 'women can be superior than men'.
Overall: 7.25
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task, coherent arguments, good vocabulary and a satisfactory range of grammatical structures. However, addressing the prompt more directly and reducing grammatical errors would result in a higher score.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Women can do everything that men can and they even do it better. They also can do many things that men cannot. But it is a fact that their work is not appreciated as much as men's. What do you think?
Essay:
It's universally acknowledged that gender bias should be eradicated; yet, women’s roles seem subordinate to men's in certain parts of the world, owing to the entrenched belief that domesticity is their primary domain. I staunchly refute this assumption and will proceed to substantiate my standpoint.
A segment of society contends that women’s roles ought not to be inferior or segregated from men's. The core rationale behind this is that sex discrimination amounts to a breach of human rights. No individual chooses their sex, hence it's unjustifiable to distinguish between genders based on their tasks. Moreover, there's no tangible proof that men are academically or professionally superior. In Korea, for instance, it has been observed that during blind assessments, where applicant gender is unknown, a significant number of women have been selected over men, suggesting women might even outperform men in certain spheres.
A counterargument deems the roles of men and women unequal due to the perceived impact of maternity leave on employers who have to source temporary replacements or shell out additional salaries. In contrast, it is assumed that men can maintain an unbroken work history, thereby bolstering the notion of giving precedence to men's jobs.
Despite these contrasting viewpoints, I remain steadfast in my stand that the magnitude of men and women's roles should never be differentiated based on gender.
Word count: 259
Essay translated in Korean:
성편견은 근절되어야 할 것이라는 것이 세상의 공통된 인식이지만, 특정 지역에서는 여성의 역할이 남성의 역할보다 소외되게 보이는 편입니다, 그것은 가정에서의 역할이 그들의 주요 영역일 것이라는 깊은 믿음 때문입니다. 이러한 가정을 강력히 부인하며, 나의 견해를 증명하겠습니다.
일부 사람들은 여성의 역할이 남성의 것보다 열등하거나 구분되어서는 안 된다고 주장합니다. 이때 모양된 핵심 근거는 성 차별이 인권 침해로 이어질 수 있기 때문입니다. 개개인이 성별을 선택하지 못하므로 그들의 역할에 따라 성별을 구분하는 것은 정당화될 수 없습니다. 더불어, 남성이 학업이나 전문적으로 여성을 능가하는 구체적 증거도 없습니다. 예를 들어, 대한민국에서는 신원이 알려지지 않은 지원자들을 평가하는 눈가림 테스트를 통해, 여성이 남성보다 더 많이 선택되는 경향이 있어, 여성이 특정 분야에서 남성을 능가할 수도 있음을 보여주고 있습니다.
반면, 일부는 여성의 출산휴가가 임시 대체인력을 찾아내거나 추가 임금을 지급해야 하는 고용주에 미치는 영향 때문에 남성과 여성의 역할이 불평등하다고 보는 반론도 있습니다. 이와 대비하여, 남성이 끊임없는 근무 이력을 유지할 수 있다는 가정은 남성의 직업에 우선성을 부여하는 생각을 강화시키고 있습니다.
이러한 상반된 견해에도 불구하고, 나는 남성과 여성의 역할의 규모는 성별에 따라 구분되어서는 안 된다는 나의 입장에 확고히 서 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. universally acknowledged - 세상의 공통된 인식
2. refute this assumption - 이러한 가정을 부인하다
3. counterargument deems - 반론은 보다
4. magnitude - 규모
5. assert - 주장하다
It's universally acknowledged that gender bias should be eradicated; yet, women’s roles seem subordinate to men's in certain parts of the world, owing to the entrenched belief that domesticity is their primary domain. I staunchly refute this assumption and will proceed to substantiate my standpoint.
A segment of society contends that women’s roles ought not to be inferior or segregated from men's. The core rationale behind this is that sex discrimination amounts to a breach of human rights. No individual chooses their sex, hence it's unjustifiable to distinguish between genders based on their tasks. Moreover, there's no tangible proof that men are academically or professionally superior. In Korea, for instance, it has been observed that during blind assessments, where applicant gender is unknown, a significant number of women have been selected over men, suggesting women might even outperform men in certain spheres.
A counterargument deems the roles of men and women unequal due to the perceived impact of maternity leave on employers who have to source temporary replacements or shell out additional salaries. In contrast, it is assumed that men can maintain an unbroken work history, thereby bolstering the notion of giving precedence to men's jobs.
Despite these contrasting viewpoints, I remain steadfast in my stand that the magnitude of men and women's roles should never be differentiated based on gender.
Word count: 259
Essay translated in Korean:
성편견은 근절되어야 할 것이라는 것이 세상의 공통된 인식이지만, 특정 지역에서는 여성의 역할이 남성의 역할보다 소외되게 보이는 편입니다, 그것은 가정에서의 역할이 그들의 주요 영역일 것이라는 깊은 믿음 때문입니다. 이러한 가정을 강력히 부인하며, 나의 견해를 증명하겠습니다.
일부 사람들은 여성의 역할이 남성의 것보다 열등하거나 구분되어서는 안 된다고 주장합니다. 이때 모양된 핵심 근거는 성 차별이 인권 침해로 이어질 수 있기 때문입니다. 개개인이 성별을 선택하지 못하므로 그들의 역할에 따라 성별을 구분하는 것은 정당화될 수 없습니다. 더불어, 남성이 학업이나 전문적으로 여성을 능가하는 구체적 증거도 없습니다. 예를 들어, 대한민국에서는 신원이 알려지지 않은 지원자들을 평가하는 눈가림 테스트를 통해, 여성이 남성보다 더 많이 선택되는 경향이 있어, 여성이 특정 분야에서 남성을 능가할 수도 있음을 보여주고 있습니다.
반면, 일부는 여성의 출산휴가가 임시 대체인력을 찾아내거나 추가 임금을 지급해야 하는 고용주에 미치는 영향 때문에 남성과 여성의 역할이 불평등하다고 보는 반론도 있습니다. 이와 대비하여, 남성이 끊임없는 근무 이력을 유지할 수 있다는 가정은 남성의 직업에 우선성을 부여하는 생각을 강화시키고 있습니다.
이러한 상반된 견해에도 불구하고, 나는 남성과 여성의 역할의 규모는 성별에 따라 구분되어서는 안 된다는 나의 입장에 확고히 서 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. universally acknowledged - 세상의 공통된 인식
2. refute this assumption - 이러한 가정을 부인하다
3. counterargument deems - 반론은 보다
4. magnitude - 규모
5. assert - 주장하다
제출한 라이팅
Nowadays, it is a widely accepted fact that there should not be discrimination between women and men. However, in many parts of the world, women’s role/responsibility differs from men’s one because some insist that women’s work place is in the home. I strongly disagree with this point of view, and then elucidate my opinion with examples.
Some individuals assert that women’s societal role should not be separated/segregated, compared to that of men. I believe that the main reason for this is that it can be an evasion of basic/fundamental human rights. What I mean by this is that humans cannot be discriminated according to gender. All people cannot select their sex, and therefore it is unfair to distinguish men and women. Furthermore, there is no evidence that men outperform women in many fields. Take Korea for example. Recently, some firms have employed people using blind-test, which means that companies tend to assess blinded/veiled applicants’ abilities. They even do not know the gender of people. As a result, more women have been employed in such tests. This means that women can be superior than men in some fields.
Despite these arguments, some individuals believe that the role of women should be unequal to men. In other words, if some women are pregnant, they tend to receive paid holiday from the companies. This can be detrimental to the firms because they have to recruit new employees to fulfill her job, and they also require extra salaries. On the other hand, in case of men, they can work without any gaps during their career. Therefore, men’s role should be treated more crucially than women.
All things considered, although some argue that women’s role is less important than men’s, I personally believe that people should not distinguish between men and women.
Some individuals assert that women’s societal role should not be separated/segregated, compared to that of men. I believe that the main reason for this is that it can be an evasion of basic/fundamental human rights. What I mean by this is that humans cannot be discriminated according to gender. All people cannot select their sex, and therefore it is unfair to distinguish men and women. Furthermore, there is no evidence that men outperform women in many fields. Take Korea for example. Recently, some firms have employed people using blind-test, which means that companies tend to assess blinded/veiled applicants’ abilities. They even do not know the gender of people. As a result, more women have been employed in such tests. This means that women can be superior than men in some fields.
Despite these arguments, some individuals believe that the role of women should be unequal to men. In other words, if some women are pregnant, they tend to receive paid holiday from the companies. This can be detrimental to the firms because they have to recruit new employees to fulfill her job, and they also require extra salaries. On the other hand, in case of men, they can work without any gaps during their career. Therefore, men’s role should be treated more crucially than women.
All things considered, although some argue that women’s role is less important than men’s, I personally believe that people should not distinguish between men and women.
공유
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