아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
Some people say that the extended family is not as important now as it once was. Others think that its worth has not changed because people always need help from their family members. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 7
The essay addresses the task and presents both viewpoints; however, it could have been clearer when stating the student's own opinion. The essay appears to lean heavily towards one point of view without properly exploring the other.
Coherence & Cohesion: 7
There's logical sequence of arguments and paragraphs have a clear focus; concepts are linked with appropriate connectors. At times, the essay loses a bit of cohesion and there are instances where additional explanation or examples could have made the argument clearer.
Lexical Resource: 7
A good range of vocabulary has been used and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common vocabulary, albeit with some inaccuracies. Spelling is largely accurate.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
Despite some minor errors and sentence structures that could have been more varied and complex, the grammar use is mostly accurate.
Overall: 7
The essay shows a good understanding of the task, presents reasonably clear arguments, uses a good breadth of lexical items and demonstrates a solid understanding of grammar rules. There are areas for improvement, specifically in the balance of discussion for both views, clarity of cohesion and some vocabulary and grammar errors.
Task Response: 7
The essay addresses the task and presents both viewpoints; however, it could have been clearer when stating the student's own opinion. The essay appears to lean heavily towards one point of view without properly exploring the other.
Coherence & Cohesion: 7
There's logical sequence of arguments and paragraphs have a clear focus; concepts are linked with appropriate connectors. At times, the essay loses a bit of cohesion and there are instances where additional explanation or examples could have made the argument clearer.
Lexical Resource: 7
A good range of vocabulary has been used and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common vocabulary, albeit with some inaccuracies. Spelling is largely accurate.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
Despite some minor errors and sentence structures that could have been more varied and complex, the grammar use is mostly accurate.
Overall: 7
The essay shows a good understanding of the task, presents reasonably clear arguments, uses a good breadth of lexical items and demonstrates a solid understanding of grammar rules. There are areas for improvement, specifically in the balance of discussion for both views, clarity of cohesion and some vocabulary and grammar errors.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some people say that the extended family is not as important now as it once was.
Others think that its worth has not changed because people always need help from their family members.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Essay:
There is a current school of thought that posits the decreasing importance of the extended family structure in modern society, as contrasted against the traditional setup. This shift is often attributed to advancements in technology and a marked change in societal values towards individualism.
On one hand, technological progress and industrialization have encouraged a more stratified structure of work, leading to the geographic dispersal of family members across various regions. Further, the ubiquitous presence of smart devices like tablets and mobile phones have inadvertently resulted in reduced quality time spent with family. The rise of nuclear families and single dwellers, born out of industrial structures that promote independent living, demonstrates a clear deviation from the dependence characteristic of extended families from times past.
On the contrary, I am cognizant of the persistent relevance and vitality of the family structure in today's world. The family unit continues to provide essential economic and emotional support, which has considerable benefits like improving mental health and promoting a sense of happiness and purpose. A recent study elucidated the beneficial consequences of maintaining strong family ties, highlighting improved peace and emotional satisfaction in families that together spent a significant amount of time.
In conclusion, while industrialization and technology have influenced familial dynamics, it remains evident that families, extended or nuclear, still play a crucial role in individual well-being.
Word count: 243
Essay translated in Korean:
현대 사회에서는 전통적인 가족 구조와 대비하여 확장된 가족의 중요성이 감소하고 있다는 사고가 현재 어학교육에서 부각되고 있다. 이러한 변화는 기술의 발전과 개인주의에 대한 사회적 가치 변화에 종종 귀속된다.
한편으로, 기술의 발전과 산업화는 더 계층화된 작업 구조를 장려하고, 가족 구성원을 여러 지역으로 지리적으로 분산시킨다. 또한, 태블릿이나 휴대폰과 같은 스마트 기기의 보편적인 존재는 뜻하지 않게 가족과 함께 보내는 질적인 시간을 줄였다. 과거에 확장 가족에 의존하던 사람들에 비해, 독립적인 생활을 촉진하는 산업 구조에서 태어난 핵가족과 단독 거주자의 수가 증가함으로써, 확장된 가족에 대한 의존성에서 명확하게 벗어나게 되었다.
반면, 나는 오늘날의 세계에서 가족 구조의 지속적인 적합성과 활력에 대해 인식하고 있다. 가족 단위는 여전히 필수적인 경제적 지원과 정서적 지원을 제공하며, 이는 정신 건강을 향상시키고 행복감과 목적감을 촉진하는 등 상당한 혜택을 가지고 있다. 최근의 연구는 강한 가족 유대를 유지하는 것의 유익한 결과를 밝혀내었으며, 특히 많은 시간을 함께 보내는 가족들에서 더 큰 평화와 정서적 만족을 찾을 수 있음을 강조하였다.
결론적으로, 산업화와 기술이 가족 역학에 영향을 미쳤지만, 가족이 개인의 복지에 여전히 중요한 역할을 하는 것이 분명해졌다.
Good expressions:
1. current school of thought - 현재 어학교육
2. geographic dispersal - 지리적으로 분산
3. ubiquitous presence - 보편적인 존재
4. beneficial consequences - 유익한 결과
5. familial dynamics - 가족 역학
6. individual well-being - 개인의 복지
There is a current school of thought that posits the decreasing importance of the extended family structure in modern society, as contrasted against the traditional setup. This shift is often attributed to advancements in technology and a marked change in societal values towards individualism.
On one hand, technological progress and industrialization have encouraged a more stratified structure of work, leading to the geographic dispersal of family members across various regions. Further, the ubiquitous presence of smart devices like tablets and mobile phones have inadvertently resulted in reduced quality time spent with family. The rise of nuclear families and single dwellers, born out of industrial structures that promote independent living, demonstrates a clear deviation from the dependence characteristic of extended families from times past.
On the contrary, I am cognizant of the persistent relevance and vitality of the family structure in today's world. The family unit continues to provide essential economic and emotional support, which has considerable benefits like improving mental health and promoting a sense of happiness and purpose. A recent study elucidated the beneficial consequences of maintaining strong family ties, highlighting improved peace and emotional satisfaction in families that together spent a significant amount of time.
In conclusion, while industrialization and technology have influenced familial dynamics, it remains evident that families, extended or nuclear, still play a crucial role in individual well-being.
Word count: 243
Essay translated in Korean:
현대 사회에서는 전통적인 가족 구조와 대비하여 확장된 가족의 중요성이 감소하고 있다는 사고가 현재 어학교육에서 부각되고 있다. 이러한 변화는 기술의 발전과 개인주의에 대한 사회적 가치 변화에 종종 귀속된다.
한편으로, 기술의 발전과 산업화는 더 계층화된 작업 구조를 장려하고, 가족 구성원을 여러 지역으로 지리적으로 분산시킨다. 또한, 태블릿이나 휴대폰과 같은 스마트 기기의 보편적인 존재는 뜻하지 않게 가족과 함께 보내는 질적인 시간을 줄였다. 과거에 확장 가족에 의존하던 사람들에 비해, 독립적인 생활을 촉진하는 산업 구조에서 태어난 핵가족과 단독 거주자의 수가 증가함으로써, 확장된 가족에 대한 의존성에서 명확하게 벗어나게 되었다.
반면, 나는 오늘날의 세계에서 가족 구조의 지속적인 적합성과 활력에 대해 인식하고 있다. 가족 단위는 여전히 필수적인 경제적 지원과 정서적 지원을 제공하며, 이는 정신 건강을 향상시키고 행복감과 목적감을 촉진하는 등 상당한 혜택을 가지고 있다. 최근의 연구는 강한 가족 유대를 유지하는 것의 유익한 결과를 밝혀내었으며, 특히 많은 시간을 함께 보내는 가족들에서 더 큰 평화와 정서적 만족을 찾을 수 있음을 강조하였다.
결론적으로, 산업화와 기술이 가족 역학에 영향을 미쳤지만, 가족이 개인의 복지에 여전히 중요한 역할을 하는 것이 분명해졌다.
Good expressions:
1. current school of thought - 현재 어학교육
2. geographic dispersal - 지리적으로 분산
3. ubiquitous presence - 보편적인 존재
4. beneficial consequences - 유익한 결과
5. familial dynamics - 가족 역학
6. individual well-being - 개인의 복지
제출한 라이팅
It is a common belief that having extended family is not as vital now as in the past because of the industrialization and changed values of family.
However, there is a more persuasive argument that family time is getting more crucial for modern people as technology and society continues to advance because it still provides family members with economic support and emotional attachment.
On the one hand, the advent of technological development and industrialized work has promoted subdivided work, causing each of family members to be spread across the other regions and to have nuclear family and live alone.
In addition to it, the increasing frequency of using smart devices such as tablets and mobile phones has continued to spend less time with their family.
Compared to people who had extended family in the past, contemporary social members tend to less rely on their family with stronger individuality due to the industrial structures which lead people to living alone getting away from family.
Nevertheless, i strongly insist that we have to spend quality time with family whether family units constitute extended or nuclear family because family still offers each of family members economic support and emotional security, which has quite good effects of improving mental health as well as affording a sense of happiness on modern people.
A research studying about the relationships with family has shown that family groups that spent much of time together responded that they felt more peace and emotional satisfaction than those who didn't allocate less time to being with family.
However, there is a more persuasive argument that family time is getting more crucial for modern people as technology and society continues to advance because it still provides family members with economic support and emotional attachment.
On the one hand, the advent of technological development and industrialized work has promoted subdivided work, causing each of family members to be spread across the other regions and to have nuclear family and live alone.
In addition to it, the increasing frequency of using smart devices such as tablets and mobile phones has continued to spend less time with their family.
Compared to people who had extended family in the past, contemporary social members tend to less rely on their family with stronger individuality due to the industrial structures which lead people to living alone getting away from family.
Nevertheless, i strongly insist that we have to spend quality time with family whether family units constitute extended or nuclear family because family still offers each of family members economic support and emotional security, which has quite good effects of improving mental health as well as affording a sense of happiness on modern people.
A research studying about the relationships with family has shown that family groups that spent much of time together responded that they felt more peace and emotional satisfaction than those who didn't allocate less time to being with family.
공유
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