AI IELTS Writing AI Correction
- Discussion
People are less happy and satisfied today than people were in the past. Discuss some of the causes of this and suggest ways to improve people’s happiness
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 7
The essay responds adequately to the task, providing reasons as to why people might be less happy or satisfied nowadays compared to the past and suggesting possible solutions to improve people's happiness. However, the explanation for why people are less happy today didn't dive into other various factors such as increased stress, economic aspects, etc. which could have lengthened the discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion: 7
The essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs and logical progression of ideas. Use of connectors like "To begin with," "Therefore," etc. guide the reader through the discourse. However, ideas could be organized in a more cohesive manner linking closely to one another.
Lexical Resource: 8
The student has used a fair range of vocabulary and sight of relevant and appropriate use of synonyms and topic-specific words were noticed. However, some sentences could benefit from more varied and sophisticated vocabulary.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
The essay displays a reasonable control over a range of grammatical structures; however, a few awkward phrases and places where a better choice of words could have been used were observed. Work on punctuation would be beneficial.
Overall: 7.25
The essay is reasonably well-argued with relevant examples. The writer should work on exploring a wider range of factors and developing arguments in a more detailed and nuanced way. Improvement in areas of punctuation, grammar and vocabulary usage would enhance the quality even more.
Task Response: 7
The essay responds adequately to the task, providing reasons as to why people might be less happy or satisfied nowadays compared to the past and suggesting possible solutions to improve people's happiness. However, the explanation for why people are less happy today didn't dive into other various factors such as increased stress, economic aspects, etc. which could have lengthened the discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion: 7
The essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs and logical progression of ideas. Use of connectors like "To begin with," "Therefore," etc. guide the reader through the discourse. However, ideas could be organized in a more cohesive manner linking closely to one another.
Lexical Resource: 8
The student has used a fair range of vocabulary and sight of relevant and appropriate use of synonyms and topic-specific words were noticed. However, some sentences could benefit from more varied and sophisticated vocabulary.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
The essay displays a reasonable control over a range of grammatical structures; however, a few awkward phrases and places where a better choice of words could have been used were observed. Work on punctuation would be beneficial.
Overall: 7.25
The essay is reasonably well-argued with relevant examples. The writer should work on exploring a wider range of factors and developing arguments in a more detailed and nuanced way. Improvement in areas of punctuation, grammar and vocabulary usage would enhance the quality even more.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
People are less happy and satisfied today than people were in the past.
Discuss some of the causes of this and suggest ways to improve people’s happiness
Essay:
Contrary to the past, contemporary society seems to be grappling with diminished happiness and satisfaction, a condition primarily driven by our changing lifestyles. This essay will explore some fundamental causes for this problem and suggest potential remedies.
Firstly, the rapid advent of technology has substantially altered human interaction. In the past, people spent ample time engaging in wholesome face-to-face conversations with friends or family, fostering a sense of community. However, today’s world sees individuals losing themselves in the digital sphere for an average of over 5 hours daily. This over-reliance on technology for communication, coupled with an increasingly individualistic society, threatens the traditional communal structure and, as a result, our collective happiness.
That said, the tide can still be turned if we adopt several solutions. One possible solution would be to orchestrate campaigns encouraging people to limit their smartphone use. Decreased reliance on digital conversations could reignite the warmth and depth of interpersonal communication. Additionally, the creation and promotion of social clubs, backed by government support, could bolster active participation in community activities and substantially nurture the spirit of togetherness. This balance of traditional and digital interaction could potentially invigorate a happier, more satisfied society.
To conclude, although our modern world is painted with individualistic strokes, several concerted efforts can reverse this trend. By striking a balance between embracing technology and nurturing our communal roots, society becomes poised for enriched happiness and satisfaction.
Word Count: 251
Essay translated in Korean:
과거와 비교하여 현대 사회는 우리의 변화하는 생활 방식에 주로 원인이 있는 행복과 만족이 줄어들고 있는 것처럼 보입니다. 이 논문은 이 문제의 몇 가지 근본적인 원인을 살펴보고 가능한 해결사항을 제안할 것입니다.
먼저, 기술의 급속한 출현은 인간 상호 작용을 상당히 바꾸었습니다. 과거에는 사람들이 친구나 가족과 얼굴을 마주 하며 대화를 나누는 데 충분한 시간을 보냈으며, 이는 공동체 의식을 촉진해왔습니다. 그러나 오늘날 세계는 개인들이 디지털 분야에서 하루에 평균 5시간 이상을 보내는 것을 당연시한다. 이러한 기술에 대한 과도한 의존은 점차 개인주의의 사회가 되어가며 전통적인 공동체 구조와 그 결과로 우리 모두의 행복을 위협합니다.
그렇다고 해서 몇 가지 해결책을 채택함으로서 여전히 바다를 넘을 수 있다. 하나로는 스마트폰 사용을 줄이도록 사람들을 격려하는 캠페인을 진행하는 것이 가능하다. 디지털 대화에 대한 의존도를 줄임으로써 인간 간의 대화의 따뜻함과 깊이를 다시 불러일으킬 수 있다. 추가적으로, 정부의 지원을 받은 사회 클럽의 창립과 촉진은 사회 활동에 적극적으로 참여하는 것을 증진하고 적극적으로 공동체 정신을 강화할 수 있다. 전통적인 대화와 디지털 상호 작용의 균형을 유지하면 사회가 행복하고 더 만족스러워질 수 있다.
결론적으로, 우리 현대 세계가 개인주의적인 붓을 물고 있다고 해도 여러 공동의 노력으로 이 추세를 반전시킬 수 있다. 기술을 받아들이면서도 우리의 공동체적 뿌리를 끊임없이 가꿔가면 사회는 더욱 풍요로운 행복과 만족을 위한 준비가 된다.
Good expressions:
1. grapple with diminished happiness - 행복이 줄어들고 있는 문제를 다루다.
2. rapid advent of technology - 기술의 급속한 출현
3. over-reliance on technology - 기술에 대한 과도한 의존
4. reignite the warmth and depth of interpersonal communication - 인간 간 소통의 따뜻함과 깊이를 다시 불러일으키다
5. bolster active participation in community activities - 사회 활동에 적극적으로 참여하도록 격려하다
6. invigorate a happier, more satisfied society - 행복하고 더 만족스러운 사회를 신장시키다
7. nurturing our communal roots - 우리의 공동체적인 뿌리를 가꾸는 것
Contrary to the past, contemporary society seems to be grappling with diminished happiness and satisfaction, a condition primarily driven by our changing lifestyles. This essay will explore some fundamental causes for this problem and suggest potential remedies.
Firstly, the rapid advent of technology has substantially altered human interaction. In the past, people spent ample time engaging in wholesome face-to-face conversations with friends or family, fostering a sense of community. However, today’s world sees individuals losing themselves in the digital sphere for an average of over 5 hours daily. This over-reliance on technology for communication, coupled with an increasingly individualistic society, threatens the traditional communal structure and, as a result, our collective happiness.
That said, the tide can still be turned if we adopt several solutions. One possible solution would be to orchestrate campaigns encouraging people to limit their smartphone use. Decreased reliance on digital conversations could reignite the warmth and depth of interpersonal communication. Additionally, the creation and promotion of social clubs, backed by government support, could bolster active participation in community activities and substantially nurture the spirit of togetherness. This balance of traditional and digital interaction could potentially invigorate a happier, more satisfied society.
To conclude, although our modern world is painted with individualistic strokes, several concerted efforts can reverse this trend. By striking a balance between embracing technology and nurturing our communal roots, society becomes poised for enriched happiness and satisfaction.
Word Count: 251
Essay translated in Korean:
과거와 비교하여 현대 사회는 우리의 변화하는 생활 방식에 주로 원인이 있는 행복과 만족이 줄어들고 있는 것처럼 보입니다. 이 논문은 이 문제의 몇 가지 근본적인 원인을 살펴보고 가능한 해결사항을 제안할 것입니다.
먼저, 기술의 급속한 출현은 인간 상호 작용을 상당히 바꾸었습니다. 과거에는 사람들이 친구나 가족과 얼굴을 마주 하며 대화를 나누는 데 충분한 시간을 보냈으며, 이는 공동체 의식을 촉진해왔습니다. 그러나 오늘날 세계는 개인들이 디지털 분야에서 하루에 평균 5시간 이상을 보내는 것을 당연시한다. 이러한 기술에 대한 과도한 의존은 점차 개인주의의 사회가 되어가며 전통적인 공동체 구조와 그 결과로 우리 모두의 행복을 위협합니다.
그렇다고 해서 몇 가지 해결책을 채택함으로서 여전히 바다를 넘을 수 있다. 하나로는 스마트폰 사용을 줄이도록 사람들을 격려하는 캠페인을 진행하는 것이 가능하다. 디지털 대화에 대한 의존도를 줄임으로써 인간 간의 대화의 따뜻함과 깊이를 다시 불러일으킬 수 있다. 추가적으로, 정부의 지원을 받은 사회 클럽의 창립과 촉진은 사회 활동에 적극적으로 참여하는 것을 증진하고 적극적으로 공동체 정신을 강화할 수 있다. 전통적인 대화와 디지털 상호 작용의 균형을 유지하면 사회가 행복하고 더 만족스러워질 수 있다.
결론적으로, 우리 현대 세계가 개인주의적인 붓을 물고 있다고 해도 여러 공동의 노력으로 이 추세를 반전시킬 수 있다. 기술을 받아들이면서도 우리의 공동체적 뿌리를 끊임없이 가꿔가면 사회는 더욱 풍요로운 행복과 만족을 위한 준비가 된다.
Good expressions:
1. grapple with diminished happiness - 행복이 줄어들고 있는 문제를 다루다.
2. rapid advent of technology - 기술의 급속한 출현
3. over-reliance on technology - 기술에 대한 과도한 의존
4. reignite the warmth and depth of interpersonal communication - 인간 간 소통의 따뜻함과 깊이를 다시 불러일으키다
5. bolster active participation in community activities - 사회 활동에 적극적으로 참여하도록 격려하다
6. invigorate a happier, more satisfied society - 행복하고 더 만족스러운 사회를 신장시키다
7. nurturing our communal roots - 우리의 공동체적인 뿌리를 가꾸는 것
제출한 라이팅
It is observed that people who in the past are happier and more satisfied than today’s people. There are several reasons why this phenomenon occurs, but there are also solutions to tackle this issue.
To begin with, as eras change, so people’s personalities also changed. In the past, without technology such as the Internet and social media, people usually spent much time with friends or family, fostering a friendly atmosphere in society. Although, current people also spend time with their friends and family, the way they spend it is different. Nowadays, individuals use smartphones average of over 5 hours a day, chatting with friends and family by social media. I believe that people must belong to cooperative society, then they could feel satisfaction and happiness. However, since people live in a more individualistic society, where they may not care for each other as much, they are less happy and satisfied.
There are some solutions to address this problem. Firstly, campaigns can be launched to encourage less smartphone usage a day. If people can control their smartphone usage, they will try to conversations each other without relying on social media, thereby fostering a sense of belonging to a cooperative group. Secondly, various social group can be created in society such as football club, board game club and like hobby club. If governments support these clubs, people could naturally join social activities, promoting a cooperative culture in society. Therefore, governments should encourage various social activities and reduce smartphone usage. This will lead to people being happier and more satisfied through group activities in society.
In conclusion, although people live in an increasingly individualistic society nowadays, I believe that this problem can be addressed with several efforts. Thus, I hope that people can come together, live happier lives, and feel more satisfied than the present.
To begin with, as eras change, so people’s personalities also changed. In the past, without technology such as the Internet and social media, people usually spent much time with friends or family, fostering a friendly atmosphere in society. Although, current people also spend time with their friends and family, the way they spend it is different. Nowadays, individuals use smartphones average of over 5 hours a day, chatting with friends and family by social media. I believe that people must belong to cooperative society, then they could feel satisfaction and happiness. However, since people live in a more individualistic society, where they may not care for each other as much, they are less happy and satisfied.
There are some solutions to address this problem. Firstly, campaigns can be launched to encourage less smartphone usage a day. If people can control their smartphone usage, they will try to conversations each other without relying on social media, thereby fostering a sense of belonging to a cooperative group. Secondly, various social group can be created in society such as football club, board game club and like hobby club. If governments support these clubs, people could naturally join social activities, promoting a cooperative culture in society. Therefore, governments should encourage various social activities and reduce smartphone usage. This will lead to people being happier and more satisfied through group activities in society.
In conclusion, although people live in an increasingly individualistic society nowadays, I believe that this problem can be addressed with several efforts. Thus, I hope that people can come together, live happier lives, and feel more satisfied than the present.
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