아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Discussion
Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crime. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The essay generally addresses the task with a clear position. The illustrations are somewhat relevant but tend to be underdeveloped. Some assumptions are made without solid support (e.g. the assertion about cyber crimes costing victims a lot of money).
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs. However, some transitions could be smoother, and the conclusion could better encapsulate the arguments made within the essay.
Lexical Resource: 7
The student demonstrates a good command of vocabulary with some less common words and phrases used effectively. Use of field-specific language (CCTV, fishing, cyber bullying, hacker) shows an understanding of the topic.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
Despite a variety of structures used, grammatical errors do exist which slightly impedes understanding (e.g. "technology change" instead of "technological changes" or "pretending kidnap their children" instead of "pretending to kidnap their children"). Infrequent use of complex sentences.
Overall: 6.25
A solid effort, but improvements could be made in terms of providing more substantial evidence for their claims, improving sentence structure for enhanced coherence, and reducing grammatical errors.
Task Response: 6
The essay generally addresses the task with a clear position. The illustrations are somewhat relevant but tend to be underdeveloped. Some assumptions are made without solid support (e.g. the assertion about cyber crimes costing victims a lot of money).
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs. However, some transitions could be smoother, and the conclusion could better encapsulate the arguments made within the essay.
Lexical Resource: 7
The student demonstrates a good command of vocabulary with some less common words and phrases used effectively. Use of field-specific language (CCTV, fishing, cyber bullying, hacker) shows an understanding of the topic.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
Despite a variety of structures used, grammatical errors do exist which slightly impedes understanding (e.g. "technology change" instead of "technological changes" or "pretending kidnap their children" instead of "pretending to kidnap their children"). Infrequent use of complex sentences.
Overall: 6.25
A solid effort, but improvements could be made in terms of providing more substantial evidence for their claims, improving sentence structure for enhanced coherence, and reducing grammatical errors.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crime.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Essay:
Advancements in technology have generated a debate about their influence on the crime rate. There are contrasting views - some people argue that technology has contributed to a decrease in crime, whereas others assert that it has encouraged crime rates to enhance. This essay will discuss both perspectives before presenting my point of view.
In the first place, advocates of the viewpoint that technology has contributed to curbing crime highlight the instrumental use of CCTV cameras. These surveillance devices, which record public spaces 24/7, have become a cornerstone in the fight against crime. They not only deter potential lawbreakers but also assist in identifying and tracing criminals after the fact. For instance, countries that widely employ CCTV systems have seen a notable reduction in their overall crime rates.
Conversely, there is a concern that the rise of technology has yielded a proliferation of cyber crimes. The prevalence of scams on social media and over the phone exemplifies the susceptibility of unsuspecting users in the face of sophisticated criminal methods. Furthermore, the increasing sophistication of hackers only exacerbates this problem, with targets ranging from large corporations to governments. This suggests that advancements in technology may increase criminal activity in certain areas.
In conclusion, despite its role in reducing traditional crime, technology has also given birth to new types of crime. Therefore, it is critical to have a cautious approach while adopting new technologies to ensure safety.
Word count: 263
Essay translated in Korean:
기술의 발전은 범죄율에 대한 그 영향에 대해 논란을 불러일으켰습니다. 기술이 범죄 감소에 기여했다는 주장과 범죄율 증가를 부추겼다는 주장이 대립하고 있습니다. 이 에세이에서는 두 관점을 논의한 후 나의 의견을 제시하겠습니다.
먼저, 기술이 범죄 억제에 기여했다는 입장을 지지하는 사람들은 CCTV 카메라의 의미 있는 사용을 강조합니다. 이 감시 장치는 일상 생활을 24/7 녹화하며, 범죄와의 싸움에서 핵심 역할을합니다. 그들은 잠재적인 법을 어기는 사람들을 억제하는 것뿐만 아니라 범죄 후에 범인을 식별하고 추적하는 데 도움이 됩니다. 예를 들어, CCTV 시스템을 광범위하게 활용하는 나라들은 전체 범죄율의 뚜렷한 감소를 보았습니다.
반대로, 기술의 발전과 더불어 사이버 범죄의 급증이 있을 수 있다는 우려가 있습니다. SNS와 전화를 통한 사기의 유행은 지능적인 범죄 방법과 상대적으로 알지 못하는 사용자들의 취약성을 보여줍니다. 게다가, 해커들의 기교가 늘어남에 따라 이 문제는 더욱 악화되는 추세로, 타겟은 대형 기업부터 정부에 이르기까지 다양합니다. 이는 기술의 발전이 특정 분야에서의 범죄 활동을 증가시킬 수 있다는 것을 시사합니다.
결론적으로, 기술이 전통적인 범죄를 줄이는 역할에도 불구하고, 새로운 형태의 범죄를 만들어냈습니다. 따라서 새로운 기술을 받아들일 때는 안전성을 보장하기 위해 신중한 접근이 필요하다는 것입니다.
Good expressions:
1. cornerstone in the fight against crime - 범죄와의 싸움에서 핵심 역할
2. yield a proliferation of - 의 급증을 가져오다
3. unsuspecting users - 알지 못하는 사용자들
4. exacerbates this problem - 이 문제를 더욱 악화시킨다.
5. cautious approach - 신중한 접근
Advancements in technology have generated a debate about their influence on the crime rate. There are contrasting views - some people argue that technology has contributed to a decrease in crime, whereas others assert that it has encouraged crime rates to enhance. This essay will discuss both perspectives before presenting my point of view.
In the first place, advocates of the viewpoint that technology has contributed to curbing crime highlight the instrumental use of CCTV cameras. These surveillance devices, which record public spaces 24/7, have become a cornerstone in the fight against crime. They not only deter potential lawbreakers but also assist in identifying and tracing criminals after the fact. For instance, countries that widely employ CCTV systems have seen a notable reduction in their overall crime rates.
Conversely, there is a concern that the rise of technology has yielded a proliferation of cyber crimes. The prevalence of scams on social media and over the phone exemplifies the susceptibility of unsuspecting users in the face of sophisticated criminal methods. Furthermore, the increasing sophistication of hackers only exacerbates this problem, with targets ranging from large corporations to governments. This suggests that advancements in technology may increase criminal activity in certain areas.
In conclusion, despite its role in reducing traditional crime, technology has also given birth to new types of crime. Therefore, it is critical to have a cautious approach while adopting new technologies to ensure safety.
Word count: 263
Essay translated in Korean:
기술의 발전은 범죄율에 대한 그 영향에 대해 논란을 불러일으켰습니다. 기술이 범죄 감소에 기여했다는 주장과 범죄율 증가를 부추겼다는 주장이 대립하고 있습니다. 이 에세이에서는 두 관점을 논의한 후 나의 의견을 제시하겠습니다.
먼저, 기술이 범죄 억제에 기여했다는 입장을 지지하는 사람들은 CCTV 카메라의 의미 있는 사용을 강조합니다. 이 감시 장치는 일상 생활을 24/7 녹화하며, 범죄와의 싸움에서 핵심 역할을합니다. 그들은 잠재적인 법을 어기는 사람들을 억제하는 것뿐만 아니라 범죄 후에 범인을 식별하고 추적하는 데 도움이 됩니다. 예를 들어, CCTV 시스템을 광범위하게 활용하는 나라들은 전체 범죄율의 뚜렷한 감소를 보았습니다.
반대로, 기술의 발전과 더불어 사이버 범죄의 급증이 있을 수 있다는 우려가 있습니다. SNS와 전화를 통한 사기의 유행은 지능적인 범죄 방법과 상대적으로 알지 못하는 사용자들의 취약성을 보여줍니다. 게다가, 해커들의 기교가 늘어남에 따라 이 문제는 더욱 악화되는 추세로, 타겟은 대형 기업부터 정부에 이르기까지 다양합니다. 이는 기술의 발전이 특정 분야에서의 범죄 활동을 증가시킬 수 있다는 것을 시사합니다.
결론적으로, 기술이 전통적인 범죄를 줄이는 역할에도 불구하고, 새로운 형태의 범죄를 만들어냈습니다. 따라서 새로운 기술을 받아들일 때는 안전성을 보장하기 위해 신중한 접근이 필요하다는 것입니다.
Good expressions:
1. cornerstone in the fight against crime - 범죄와의 싸움에서 핵심 역할
2. yield a proliferation of - 의 급증을 가져오다
3. unsuspecting users - 알지 못하는 사용자들
4. exacerbates this problem - 이 문제를 더욱 악화시킨다.
5. cautious approach - 신중한 접근
제출한 라이팅
There is an argument whether technology advancement impacts on reducing the crime rate, or increasing. While some people insist that technology change helps decrease crime, I believe that this development fosters crime rate.
On the one hand, some people believe that in fact, technology innovation improves community safety. This safety is delivered by cctv surrounding us which monitors 24/7 all passengers, roads, buildings and especially dangerous areas in the night time. Moreover cctv provides detectors about criminals’ direction information when they chase offenders, but no one knows about the location. If there is no real time monitoring system, police officers would miss to catch many criminals then they would repeat committing the crime. For example, according to the research, countries which encourage installing cctv everywhere have lower crime rates, compared to other countries.
On the other hand, I think there are a variety of types of crime in cyber environment. Firstly, these days the most common crime is fishing using telephone and social media which requires a lot of money to victims. For example, cyber criminals call parents by pretending kidnap their children and ask enormous money in condition of release them. In addition, in the schools students who have bad behaviour do cyber bullying to weaker classmates using social media or text which impact on mental health. Finally, hacker skills become more elaborate so that they target not only big companies but also governments.
In conclusion, even if there are advantages in line with technology advancement which helps reducing the percentage of crime, I believe this advantage creates a lot of other forms of crimes.
On the one hand, some people believe that in fact, technology innovation improves community safety. This safety is delivered by cctv surrounding us which monitors 24/7 all passengers, roads, buildings and especially dangerous areas in the night time. Moreover cctv provides detectors about criminals’ direction information when they chase offenders, but no one knows about the location. If there is no real time monitoring system, police officers would miss to catch many criminals then they would repeat committing the crime. For example, according to the research, countries which encourage installing cctv everywhere have lower crime rates, compared to other countries.
On the other hand, I think there are a variety of types of crime in cyber environment. Firstly, these days the most common crime is fishing using telephone and social media which requires a lot of money to victims. For example, cyber criminals call parents by pretending kidnap their children and ask enormous money in condition of release them. In addition, in the schools students who have bad behaviour do cyber bullying to weaker classmates using social media or text which impact on mental health. Finally, hacker skills become more elaborate so that they target not only big companies but also governments.
In conclusion, even if there are advantages in line with technology advancement which helps reducing the percentage of crime, I believe this advantage creates a lot of other forms of crimes.
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