아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Discussion
Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crime. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: [6]
The essay addresses the task well - both views are discussed and the writer’s position is clearly stated. However, the student could have provided more detail in the body paragraphs to fully develop their arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion: [5]
Whilst both points of view are presented and the structure of the essay is clear, there are several sentences that could have been further elaborated for full coherence. More connective words and phrases could have been utilized to enhance cohesion.
Lexical Resource: [6]
The range of vocabulary is satisfactory with only minor errors. However, the misuse of some terms (for example, "fishing" instead of "phishing") slightly affected the understanding.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [5]
Grammar is reasonably accurate with some minor mistakes, such as missing prepositions and article usage. The sentences could be more complex to show a wider range of grammatical structure.
Overall: [5.5]
The essay meets the requirements of the task. To obtain higher scores, the student would be advised to improve on the usage of complex sentences and to expand the arguments in the paragraphs with more examples or details. Additionally, correction of minor lexical and grammatical mistakes could raise the overall score.
Task Response: [6]
The essay addresses the task well - both views are discussed and the writer’s position is clearly stated. However, the student could have provided more detail in the body paragraphs to fully develop their arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion: [5]
Whilst both points of view are presented and the structure of the essay is clear, there are several sentences that could have been further elaborated for full coherence. More connective words and phrases could have been utilized to enhance cohesion.
Lexical Resource: [6]
The range of vocabulary is satisfactory with only minor errors. However, the misuse of some terms (for example, "fishing" instead of "phishing") slightly affected the understanding.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [5]
Grammar is reasonably accurate with some minor mistakes, such as missing prepositions and article usage. The sentences could be more complex to show a wider range of grammatical structure.
Overall: [5.5]
The essay meets the requirements of the task. To obtain higher scores, the student would be advised to improve on the usage of complex sentences and to expand the arguments in the paragraphs with more examples or details. Additionally, correction of minor lexical and grammatical mistakes could raise the overall score.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crime.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Essay:
There is a persisting debate about the role of technological development in either escalating or reducing crime rates. While some argue that technology strengthens public safety, I am inclined to believe that it inadvertently contributes to an increase in crime.
Some individuals contend that technology enhances societal safety. This notion is underpinned by the ubiquitous presence of CCTVs, which, by actively monitoring traffic, buildings, and high-risk areas, act as reliable deterrents to crime. These devices also assist law enforcement by providing real-time tracking information during pursuits, aiding them to apprehend offenders efficiently. Studies have indicated that countries with extensive CCTV coverage tend to have lower crime rates, underscoring the efficacy of this innovation.
However, I hold the view that the advent of technology ushers in new forms of crime. For instance, the rise of cybercrime, including phishing scams carried out via phone calls and social media platforms, has led to significant financial losses for many victims. Moreover, instances of cyberbullying, predominantly in schools, have had serious psychological repercussions on victims. Additionally, hackers with increasingly sophisticated skills are mounting attacks not only on large corporations but also on government bodies.
In conclusion, despite the benefits of maintaining public safety associated with technological advancements, I believe this surge has inadvertently fostered numerous, more complex forms of crime.
Word count: 223
Essay translated in Korean:
기술 발전이 범죄율을 조장하는지 혹은 줄이는지에 대해 계속되는 논쟁이 있다. 일부는 기술이 공공 안전을 강화한다고 주장하지만, 나는 이가 무심코 범죄 증가에 기여한다고 믿는다.
일부 사람들은 기술이 사회 안전을 강화한다고 주장한다. 이 개념은 교통, 건물, 그리고 높은 위험 지역을 활발하게 모니터링하는 CCTV의 만천하게 존재하는 것에 의해 뒷받침된다. 이 장치들은 또한 추격 중의 실시간 추적 정보를 제공함으로써 범죄조직한테 도움을 준다. 많은 CCTV를 가진 나라들은 더 낮은 범죄율을 가지는 것이 연구되어지는 것은 이 혁신의 효과를 강조해준다.
하지만, 나는 기술이 새로운 형태의 범죄를 초래한다는 견해를 갖고 있다. 예를 들어, 전화 통화 및 소셜 미디어 플랫폼을 통해 이루어진 피싱 사기를 포함한 사이버 범죄의 급증은 많은 피해자로 인해 상당한 금전적 손실을 초래했다. 또한, 학교에서의 사이버 불링 사례는 피해자에게 심각한 심리적 영향을 미친다. 더우기, 점점 더 복잡한 기술을 가진 해커들은 대형회사 뿐만 아니라 정부 기관에 공격을 가하고 있다.
결론적으로, 기술 발전과 함께 공공 안전 유지의 이점에도 불구하고, 나는 이 돌풍이 무심코 더욱 복잡한 형태의 범죄를 촉진하고 있다고 믿는다.
Good expressions:
1. "ubiquitous presence" - 만천하게 존재하는 것
2. "reliable deterrents to crime" - 신뢰할 수 있는 범죄억제수단
3. "underpinned by" - ~에 의해 뒷받침된다
4. "advent of technology"- 기술의 도래
5. "financial losses"- 금전적 손실
6. "psychological repercussions"- 심리적 영향
7. "mounting attacks"- 공격을 가하다
8. "inadvertently fostered"- 무심코 촉진하다
There is a persisting debate about the role of technological development in either escalating or reducing crime rates. While some argue that technology strengthens public safety, I am inclined to believe that it inadvertently contributes to an increase in crime.
Some individuals contend that technology enhances societal safety. This notion is underpinned by the ubiquitous presence of CCTVs, which, by actively monitoring traffic, buildings, and high-risk areas, act as reliable deterrents to crime. These devices also assist law enforcement by providing real-time tracking information during pursuits, aiding them to apprehend offenders efficiently. Studies have indicated that countries with extensive CCTV coverage tend to have lower crime rates, underscoring the efficacy of this innovation.
However, I hold the view that the advent of technology ushers in new forms of crime. For instance, the rise of cybercrime, including phishing scams carried out via phone calls and social media platforms, has led to significant financial losses for many victims. Moreover, instances of cyberbullying, predominantly in schools, have had serious psychological repercussions on victims. Additionally, hackers with increasingly sophisticated skills are mounting attacks not only on large corporations but also on government bodies.
In conclusion, despite the benefits of maintaining public safety associated with technological advancements, I believe this surge has inadvertently fostered numerous, more complex forms of crime.
Word count: 223
Essay translated in Korean:
기술 발전이 범죄율을 조장하는지 혹은 줄이는지에 대해 계속되는 논쟁이 있다. 일부는 기술이 공공 안전을 강화한다고 주장하지만, 나는 이가 무심코 범죄 증가에 기여한다고 믿는다.
일부 사람들은 기술이 사회 안전을 강화한다고 주장한다. 이 개념은 교통, 건물, 그리고 높은 위험 지역을 활발하게 모니터링하는 CCTV의 만천하게 존재하는 것에 의해 뒷받침된다. 이 장치들은 또한 추격 중의 실시간 추적 정보를 제공함으로써 범죄조직한테 도움을 준다. 많은 CCTV를 가진 나라들은 더 낮은 범죄율을 가지는 것이 연구되어지는 것은 이 혁신의 효과를 강조해준다.
하지만, 나는 기술이 새로운 형태의 범죄를 초래한다는 견해를 갖고 있다. 예를 들어, 전화 통화 및 소셜 미디어 플랫폼을 통해 이루어진 피싱 사기를 포함한 사이버 범죄의 급증은 많은 피해자로 인해 상당한 금전적 손실을 초래했다. 또한, 학교에서의 사이버 불링 사례는 피해자에게 심각한 심리적 영향을 미친다. 더우기, 점점 더 복잡한 기술을 가진 해커들은 대형회사 뿐만 아니라 정부 기관에 공격을 가하고 있다.
결론적으로, 기술 발전과 함께 공공 안전 유지의 이점에도 불구하고, 나는 이 돌풍이 무심코 더욱 복잡한 형태의 범죄를 촉진하고 있다고 믿는다.
Good expressions:
1. "ubiquitous presence" - 만천하게 존재하는 것
2. "reliable deterrents to crime" - 신뢰할 수 있는 범죄억제수단
3. "underpinned by" - ~에 의해 뒷받침된다
4. "advent of technology"- 기술의 도래
5. "financial losses"- 금전적 손실
6. "psychological repercussions"- 심리적 영향
7. "mounting attacks"- 공격을 가하다
8. "inadvertently fostered"- 무심코 촉진하다
제출한 라이팅
There is an argument whether technology advancement impacts on reducing the crime rate, or increasing. While some people insist that technology change helps decrease crime, I believe that this development fosters crime rate.
On the one hand, some people believe that in fact, technology innovation improves community safety. This safety delivered by cctv surrounding us which monitors 24/7 all passengers road, building and especially dangerous areas in the night time. Moreover cctv provides detectors about criminals’ direction information when they chase offenders, but no one knows about the location. If there is no real time monitoring system, police officers would miss to catch many criminals then they would repeat committing the crime. For example, according to the research, countries which encourage install cctv everywhere has lower crime rate, compared to other countries.
On the other hand, I think there are a variety type of crime in cyber environment. Firstly, these days the most common crime is fishing using telephone and social media which requires a lot of money to victims. For example, cyber criminals call parents by pretending kidnap their children and ask enormous money in condition of release them. In addition, in the schools students who have bad behaviour do cyber bullying to weeker classmates using social media or text which impact on mental health. Finally, hacker skills become more elaborate so that they target not only big companies but also governments.
In conclusion, even if there are advantages in line with technology advancement which helps reducing the percentage of crime, but I believe this advantage create a lot of other forms of crimes.
On the one hand, some people believe that in fact, technology innovation improves community safety. This safety delivered by cctv surrounding us which monitors 24/7 all passengers road, building and especially dangerous areas in the night time. Moreover cctv provides detectors about criminals’ direction information when they chase offenders, but no one knows about the location. If there is no real time monitoring system, police officers would miss to catch many criminals then they would repeat committing the crime. For example, according to the research, countries which encourage install cctv everywhere has lower crime rate, compared to other countries.
On the other hand, I think there are a variety type of crime in cyber environment. Firstly, these days the most common crime is fishing using telephone and social media which requires a lot of money to victims. For example, cyber criminals call parents by pretending kidnap their children and ask enormous money in condition of release them. In addition, in the schools students who have bad behaviour do cyber bullying to weeker classmates using social media or text which impact on mental health. Finally, hacker skills become more elaborate so that they target not only big companies but also governments.
In conclusion, even if there are advantages in line with technology advancement which helps reducing the percentage of crime, but I believe this advantage create a lot of other forms of crimes.
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