아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
Some people say that the feeling of competition should be encouraged in children others say they should be taught to become cooperative. What is your opinion?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 7
The writer clearly addressed the question and presented both views on the subject. In the introduction, the writer outlined their approach and gave a clear personal viewpoint in the conclusion. However, the writer could have better-organized their argument by explaining the advantages and disadvantages of both perspectives, and substantiated their points with more appropriate examples.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay is well-arranged with an adequate flow of ideas. Yet, the writer misused some linking words which hampered the flow of the argument. Moreover, some sentences could use rephrasing for clarity of thought.
Lexical Resource: 7
The writer demonstrated an impressive range of vocabulary and showed a good command of academic and idiomatic language. Nonetheless, some words were used incorrectly, which affected the overall clarity of the argument.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
While the student’s essay shows a good range of sentence structures and some complex grammatical constructions, there are errors, like "owing major firm" which should be "owning a major firm". These mistakes compromise the accuracy of their writing.
Overall: 6.5
The writer presents a decent understanding of the issues and clearly expresses their opinion, but the effectiveness of their argument is lessened by inadequate use of linking words, occasional grammatical errors, and improper word selection.
Task Response: 7
The writer clearly addressed the question and presented both views on the subject. In the introduction, the writer outlined their approach and gave a clear personal viewpoint in the conclusion. However, the writer could have better-organized their argument by explaining the advantages and disadvantages of both perspectives, and substantiated their points with more appropriate examples.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay is well-arranged with an adequate flow of ideas. Yet, the writer misused some linking words which hampered the flow of the argument. Moreover, some sentences could use rephrasing for clarity of thought.
Lexical Resource: 7
The writer demonstrated an impressive range of vocabulary and showed a good command of academic and idiomatic language. Nonetheless, some words were used incorrectly, which affected the overall clarity of the argument.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
While the student’s essay shows a good range of sentence structures and some complex grammatical constructions, there are errors, like "owing major firm" which should be "owning a major firm". These mistakes compromise the accuracy of their writing.
Overall: 6.5
The writer presents a decent understanding of the issues and clearly expresses their opinion, but the effectiveness of their argument is lessened by inadequate use of linking words, occasional grammatical errors, and improper word selection.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some people say that the feeling of competition should be encouraged in children others say they should be taught to become cooperative. What is your opinion?
Essay:
In today's society, differing perspectives exist on whether we should foster competitive or cooperative traits in children. The purpose of this essay is to evaluate these contrasting views and propose my personal position.
One school of thought supports competition, deeming it crucial to children's development. Advocates stress that competing instills a drive for excellence in young learners. This invigorating, healthy competition can indeed encourage pupils to delve into their subjects, thereby expanding their knowledge and understanding. A nation's economy may also benefit from this. A case in point is South Korea where persistent competition for good university entry or jobs has played a significant role in the country's ‘miracle of Han River’ economic transformation.
Contrastingly, others assert that the burden of competition can be destructive. They argue that the relentless pressure to outperform peers may lead to overwhelming disappointment, with worst-case scenarios even culminating in suicide. Encouraging cooperative learning, in this view, would lessen such pressure while allowing students to engage more comfortably in their studies.
Upon consideration, although cooperative methods can decrease students' stress levels, I am of the belief that a certain level of competition should be encouraged. If channeled properly, competition can not only enhance personal development and academic success, but also catalyze national economic growth.
Word count: 256
Essay translated to Korean:
오늘날의 사회에서는 우리가 어린이에게 경쟁적인 성향을 두려울지 협동적인 특성을 두려울지에 대한 다른 시각이 존재합니다. 이 논문의 목적은 이러한 대조적인 견해를 평가하고 개인적인 위치를 제안하는 것입니다.
일부 사람들은 경쟁을 지지하며, 이것이 어린이의 발전에 필수적이라고 주장합니다. 지지자들은 경쟁이 어린 학습자에게 우수성을 추구하는 열망을 갖게한다고 강조합니다. 이렇게 생기있는 건강한 경쟁은 학생들이 그들의 주제에 더 심취하게하고, 그로 인해 그들의 지식과 이해를 확대할 수 있습니다. 나라의 경제도 이로 인해 혜택을 볼 수 있습니다. 한 예는 거대한 대학 입학이나 일자리를 위한 지속적인 경쟁이 한강의 기적이라고 불리는 한국의 경제 변혁에서 중요한 역할을 했다는 것입니다.
반대로, 다른 사람들은 경쟁의 부담이 파괴적일 수 있다고 주장합니다. 그들은 끊임없는 경쟁에서 발생하는 압박으로 인해 아주 실망하는 사람들도 있고, 최악의 사례는 심지어 자해에 이를 수 있다고 이야기합니다. 이러한 견해에서는, 협동적 학습을 권장하면 이런 압박을 줄일 수 있으면서 학생들이 더 편안하게 공부를할 수 있게 해줍니다.
심사숙고한 결과, 협동 방법은 학생들의 스트레스 수준을 줄일 수 있으나, 경쟁은 일정 수준으로 장려되어야 한다고 생각합니다. 제대로 채널되면, 경쟁은 개인적인 발전과 학업 성공을 강화할 뿐 아니라 국가 경제 성장을 촉진하는 데도 기여할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. One school of thought: 한가지 견해
2. A case in point: 대표적인 사례
3. Upon consideration: 심사 숙고한 결과
4. Catalyze national economic growth: 국가 경제 성장을 촉진하기
5. worst-case scenarios: 최악의 사례
6. drive for excellence: 우수성 추구의 열망.
In today's society, differing perspectives exist on whether we should foster competitive or cooperative traits in children. The purpose of this essay is to evaluate these contrasting views and propose my personal position.
One school of thought supports competition, deeming it crucial to children's development. Advocates stress that competing instills a drive for excellence in young learners. This invigorating, healthy competition can indeed encourage pupils to delve into their subjects, thereby expanding their knowledge and understanding. A nation's economy may also benefit from this. A case in point is South Korea where persistent competition for good university entry or jobs has played a significant role in the country's ‘miracle of Han River’ economic transformation.
Contrastingly, others assert that the burden of competition can be destructive. They argue that the relentless pressure to outperform peers may lead to overwhelming disappointment, with worst-case scenarios even culminating in suicide. Encouraging cooperative learning, in this view, would lessen such pressure while allowing students to engage more comfortably in their studies.
Upon consideration, although cooperative methods can decrease students' stress levels, I am of the belief that a certain level of competition should be encouraged. If channeled properly, competition can not only enhance personal development and academic success, but also catalyze national economic growth.
Word count: 256
Essay translated to Korean:
오늘날의 사회에서는 우리가 어린이에게 경쟁적인 성향을 두려울지 협동적인 특성을 두려울지에 대한 다른 시각이 존재합니다. 이 논문의 목적은 이러한 대조적인 견해를 평가하고 개인적인 위치를 제안하는 것입니다.
일부 사람들은 경쟁을 지지하며, 이것이 어린이의 발전에 필수적이라고 주장합니다. 지지자들은 경쟁이 어린 학습자에게 우수성을 추구하는 열망을 갖게한다고 강조합니다. 이렇게 생기있는 건강한 경쟁은 학생들이 그들의 주제에 더 심취하게하고, 그로 인해 그들의 지식과 이해를 확대할 수 있습니다. 나라의 경제도 이로 인해 혜택을 볼 수 있습니다. 한 예는 거대한 대학 입학이나 일자리를 위한 지속적인 경쟁이 한강의 기적이라고 불리는 한국의 경제 변혁에서 중요한 역할을 했다는 것입니다.
반대로, 다른 사람들은 경쟁의 부담이 파괴적일 수 있다고 주장합니다. 그들은 끊임없는 경쟁에서 발생하는 압박으로 인해 아주 실망하는 사람들도 있고, 최악의 사례는 심지어 자해에 이를 수 있다고 이야기합니다. 이러한 견해에서는, 협동적 학습을 권장하면 이런 압박을 줄일 수 있으면서 학생들이 더 편안하게 공부를할 수 있게 해줍니다.
심사숙고한 결과, 협동 방법은 학생들의 스트레스 수준을 줄일 수 있으나, 경쟁은 일정 수준으로 장려되어야 한다고 생각합니다. 제대로 채널되면, 경쟁은 개인적인 발전과 학업 성공을 강화할 뿐 아니라 국가 경제 성장을 촉진하는 데도 기여할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. One school of thought: 한가지 견해
2. A case in point: 대표적인 사례
3. Upon consideration: 심사 숙고한 결과
4. Catalyze national economic growth: 국가 경제 성장을 촉진하기
5. worst-case scenarios: 최악의 사례
6. drive for excellence: 우수성 추구의 열망.
제출한 라이팅
Nowadays, some people believe that competition is inevitable for children to enable them to grow as a competitive people, whilst others insist that the pupils should be taught by using more cooperative ways. In this essay, I will examine the both views and then propose my conclusion.
There are several benefits of competing each other. The main one is that it can enable student to gain wider insight in their studies. What I mean by this is that the students make more efforts to obtain better grades then others and during this process, they can immerse themselves into studies, with broadening their understanding of specific subjects. Furthermore, it can raise national economic level. Take Korea for example, the majority of students, from the past, have been involved in competition to enter prestigious universities or gain jobs. After this, they have played a significant role in our society, like owing major firm. This enabled my country to accomplish shining development, called ‘The miracle of han-river’, with notable economical enhancement.
Having said that, some individuals assert that it can have detrimental impacts on children. The leading problem is that it can give an excessive burden to the adolescents. In other words, if they fail in competitions, they can feel a sense of lengthy and disappointment. Even, some of them often suicide because of their academic stress. In this circumstance, if educational trend allows the student to learn in cooperative ways, they can learn and study their task with more comfortable feelings.
In conclusion, although there is an argument that cooperative teaching method is better because it can reduce the burden of students, I personally believe that competition among the pupils should be encouraged for specific objectives, particularly with respect to broadening their insights and promoting economic growth
There are several benefits of competing each other. The main one is that it can enable student to gain wider insight in their studies. What I mean by this is that the students make more efforts to obtain better grades then others and during this process, they can immerse themselves into studies, with broadening their understanding of specific subjects. Furthermore, it can raise national economic level. Take Korea for example, the majority of students, from the past, have been involved in competition to enter prestigious universities or gain jobs. After this, they have played a significant role in our society, like owing major firm. This enabled my country to accomplish shining development, called ‘The miracle of han-river’, with notable economical enhancement.
Having said that, some individuals assert that it can have detrimental impacts on children. The leading problem is that it can give an excessive burden to the adolescents. In other words, if they fail in competitions, they can feel a sense of lengthy and disappointment. Even, some of them often suicide because of their academic stress. In this circumstance, if educational trend allows the student to learn in cooperative ways, they can learn and study their task with more comfortable feelings.
In conclusion, although there is an argument that cooperative teaching method is better because it can reduce the burden of students, I personally believe that competition among the pupils should be encouraged for specific objectives, particularly with respect to broadening their insights and promoting economic growth
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