아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The essay does indeed address the task and takes a clear position: it agrees that science should improve people, emphasizing especially on the elderly and the physically challenged. However, the argument is not as fully developed as it could be, and the writer could have given more specific examples or suggestions about how science and technology should adapt to the needs of these demographic groups.
Coherence & Cohesion: 5
The ideas are communicated in a relatively clear and systematic way, but the essay could have benefited from better paragraph structure. Some of the points seem somewhat disconnected, and the flow of ideas is hindered by unusual sentence structures that impede comprehension to some degree.
Lexical Resource: 6
The writer uses a satisfactory range of vocabulary for this level and there is some attempt to use less common words ('flourish', 'encounter'). However, word choice is occasionally incorrect ('isolated people') or repetitive ('people', 'technology').
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 5
The writer demonstrates a mixed level of control over grammar, with some accurate complex constructions, but also quite a few errors of verb tenses, pronouns, prepositions, and punctuation, which can make it difficult for readers to understand certain points made in the essay.
Overall: 5.5
The essay addresses the task and presents a firm position. However, the development of ideas, lexical choices and grammatical structures could have been better. It is also prevalent that some weaknesses, especially in coherence and grammar, somewhat impede the clarity of the message being delivered. The overall score, therefore, is a combination of the four criteria scores, rounded to the nearest half band.
Task Response: 6
The essay does indeed address the task and takes a clear position: it agrees that science should improve people, emphasizing especially on the elderly and the physically challenged. However, the argument is not as fully developed as it could be, and the writer could have given more specific examples or suggestions about how science and technology should adapt to the needs of these demographic groups.
Coherence & Cohesion: 5
The ideas are communicated in a relatively clear and systematic way, but the essay could have benefited from better paragraph structure. Some of the points seem somewhat disconnected, and the flow of ideas is hindered by unusual sentence structures that impede comprehension to some degree.
Lexical Resource: 6
The writer uses a satisfactory range of vocabulary for this level and there is some attempt to use less common words ('flourish', 'encounter'). However, word choice is occasionally incorrect ('isolated people') or repetitive ('people', 'technology').
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 5
The writer demonstrates a mixed level of control over grammar, with some accurate complex constructions, but also quite a few errors of verb tenses, pronouns, prepositions, and punctuation, which can make it difficult for readers to understand certain points made in the essay.
Overall: 5.5
The essay addresses the task and presents a firm position. However, the development of ideas, lexical choices and grammatical structures could have been better. It is also prevalent that some weaknesses, especially in coherence and grammar, somewhat impede the clarity of the message being delivered. The overall score, therefore, is a combination of the four criteria scores, rounded to the nearest half band.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Essay:
Technological advancements, as an embodiment of the field of science, hold the potential to transform lives. However, the main proposition of debate is whether the primary objective of these scientific progressions should lie in the betterment of people's lives.
Supporters of this notion firmly assert that the most intriguing aspect of scientific development should be its applicability to mankind. Scientific findings are invaluable resources that can enhance our quality of life. The elderly or people with disabilities, for instance, often face challenges that could be alleviated with the application of appropriate technologies. Yet, these developments pose problems when they fail to consider all sectors of society, particularly those not as tech-savvy, namely some old-aged individuals. For instance, while younger generations are able to swiftly adapt to technological changes, the elderly often struggle with new technology.
In light of this, an argument could be made that while scientific advancements are indeed essential, we must ensure their benefits reach everyone, rather than creating a divide. If we lose sight of this objective, there is a risk of straying from the original purpose of science and fostering socio-technological disparities. Hence, we ought to approach this progression with patience, taking care to include and educate those who feel alienated by the rapid speed of development. This way, we strengthen the fabric of our society and ensure our scientific advancements foster better inclusivity.
Word count: 260
Essay translated in Korean:
기술 발전은 과학 분야의 실현체로서, 생활을 변화시킬 수 있는 잠재력을 가지고 있습니다. 그러나 이러한 과학적 발전의 주요 목표가 사람들의 삶을 개선하는 데 있어야 하는지 고민할 수 있는 주장이 있습니다.
이 논리의 지지자들은 과학적 발전의 가장 흥미로운 측면은 그것이 얼마나 인류에게 적용할 수 있는지에게 있어야 한다고 엄청나게 주장하고 있습니다. 과학적 발견들은 우리의 삶의 질을 향상시킬 수 있는 대단히 소중한 자원들입니다. 예를 들어, 노약한 이나 장애인들은 적절한 기술 및 도구를 사용하여 완화될 수 있는 많은 도전에 직면하고 있습니다. 그러나 기술의 발전이 근본적으로 모든 사회구성원 고려하지 못할 때 이 발전은 문제가 됩니다.
따라서, 과학적인 발전이 필요하긴 하지만, 그 이점이 모두에게 도달하여 따라갈 수 없는 이들을 배제하지 않도록 해야 한다는 주장을 할 수 있습니다. 만약 우리가 이 목표를 잃어버린다면, 과학의 원래 목적에서 벗어나 사회적 기술 격차를 조장하는 위험이 있습니다. 따라서, 우리는 이 발전을 차분히 접근해야 하며, 개발의 빠른 속도에 소외감을 느끼는 이들을 포함하고 교육하는 것을 주의해야 합니다. 이렇게 하면, 우리는 사회의 기반을 강화하고 과학적 발전이 보다 포괄적이게 되도록 할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. embodiment of the field of science - 과학 분야의 실현체
2. socio-technological disparities - 사회적 기술격차
3. foster better inclusivity - 더 나은 포괄성을 증진시키다
4. strengthen the fabric of our society - 우리 사회의 기반을 강화하다
5. alienated by the rapid speed of development - 개발의 빠른 속도에 소외감을 느끼다
Technological advancements, as an embodiment of the field of science, hold the potential to transform lives. However, the main proposition of debate is whether the primary objective of these scientific progressions should lie in the betterment of people's lives.
Supporters of this notion firmly assert that the most intriguing aspect of scientific development should be its applicability to mankind. Scientific findings are invaluable resources that can enhance our quality of life. The elderly or people with disabilities, for instance, often face challenges that could be alleviated with the application of appropriate technologies. Yet, these developments pose problems when they fail to consider all sectors of society, particularly those not as tech-savvy, namely some old-aged individuals. For instance, while younger generations are able to swiftly adapt to technological changes, the elderly often struggle with new technology.
In light of this, an argument could be made that while scientific advancements are indeed essential, we must ensure their benefits reach everyone, rather than creating a divide. If we lose sight of this objective, there is a risk of straying from the original purpose of science and fostering socio-technological disparities. Hence, we ought to approach this progression with patience, taking care to include and educate those who feel alienated by the rapid speed of development. This way, we strengthen the fabric of our society and ensure our scientific advancements foster better inclusivity.
Word count: 260
Essay translated in Korean:
기술 발전은 과학 분야의 실현체로서, 생활을 변화시킬 수 있는 잠재력을 가지고 있습니다. 그러나 이러한 과학적 발전의 주요 목표가 사람들의 삶을 개선하는 데 있어야 하는지 고민할 수 있는 주장이 있습니다.
이 논리의 지지자들은 과학적 발전의 가장 흥미로운 측면은 그것이 얼마나 인류에게 적용할 수 있는지에게 있어야 한다고 엄청나게 주장하고 있습니다. 과학적 발견들은 우리의 삶의 질을 향상시킬 수 있는 대단히 소중한 자원들입니다. 예를 들어, 노약한 이나 장애인들은 적절한 기술 및 도구를 사용하여 완화될 수 있는 많은 도전에 직면하고 있습니다. 그러나 기술의 발전이 근본적으로 모든 사회구성원 고려하지 못할 때 이 발전은 문제가 됩니다.
따라서, 과학적인 발전이 필요하긴 하지만, 그 이점이 모두에게 도달하여 따라갈 수 없는 이들을 배제하지 않도록 해야 한다는 주장을 할 수 있습니다. 만약 우리가 이 목표를 잃어버린다면, 과학의 원래 목적에서 벗어나 사회적 기술 격차를 조장하는 위험이 있습니다. 따라서, 우리는 이 발전을 차분히 접근해야 하며, 개발의 빠른 속도에 소외감을 느끼는 이들을 포함하고 교육하는 것을 주의해야 합니다. 이렇게 하면, 우리는 사회의 기반을 강화하고 과학적 발전이 보다 포괄적이게 되도록 할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. embodiment of the field of science - 과학 분야의 실현체
2. socio-technological disparities - 사회적 기술격차
3. foster better inclusivity - 더 나은 포괄성을 증진시키다
4. strengthen the fabric of our society - 우리 사회의 기반을 강화하다
5. alienated by the rapid speed of development - 개발의 빠른 속도에 소외감을 느끼다
제출한 라이팅
Development of science is very necessary for our future. And it needs to be for people who encounter hurdles in their life like disable or elderly people. Science is always exist in this earth, and we found out. That means we can use it as a good resources. There are lots of sector of science, but i'd like to treat about technology. The technology make flourish for our life quality. But the other hand, some people are struggling with this speed of development like elderly people. My parents are over 60 age. And it is a big problem in our society. Young people have ability to follow and understand the change of technology. They can even adjust very fast. But old people is not the same us. The more technology develop, the more they avoid its benefit and rather choose to old method for all of things. The science and technology should be for human. But it doesn't consider to particular people among us. So improving science is important, but the more important is who it is for. We keep should remember what we aim at first. If not, it will occur some discrimination between people. Then it will go out from our initial purpose. In my opinion, we should take it slow and look around the isolated people from our technology, and keep encourage and lead them to the first purpose why it make for. This is going to make our foundation of society strongly, then our improvement will be better.
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