아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Problem and Solution
As countries develop, their populations tend to live individually or in small family units. What are the causes of this trend and what are the effects on society?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: [6]
The essay responds to the task, identifying and explaining both causes and effects. However, it would be strengthened by exploring these issues in more depth and detail. The conclusion could be more robust, summarizing the main points more effectively and powerfully.
Coherence & Cohesion: [6]
Ideas are logically sequenced and there is clear progression throughout. Paragraphs are used to structure ideas, but not always effectively. Several sentences are awkwardly phrased, and transitional phrases could be better used to enhance flow.
Lexical Resource: [6]
The writer demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision, although there are several awkward or unclear word choices, and some noticeable repetition. Also, regarding the term usage such as 'changer urbanization,' which is incorrect yet tried to show higher lexical range.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [5]
The essay shows a moderately varied use of sentence structures but also features several noticeable grammatical errors, such as missing articles, incorrect verb use, poor usage of prepositions, awkward phrases, and issues with subject-verb agreement.
Overall: [6]
Overall, the essay provides a clear response to the task, has a good structure and demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary and grammar usage. However, the frequent errors and occasional lack of clarity limit the effectiveness of the response and the score it achieves.
Task Response: [6]
The essay responds to the task, identifying and explaining both causes and effects. However, it would be strengthened by exploring these issues in more depth and detail. The conclusion could be more robust, summarizing the main points more effectively and powerfully.
Coherence & Cohesion: [6]
Ideas are logically sequenced and there is clear progression throughout. Paragraphs are used to structure ideas, but not always effectively. Several sentences are awkwardly phrased, and transitional phrases could be better used to enhance flow.
Lexical Resource: [6]
The writer demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision, although there are several awkward or unclear word choices, and some noticeable repetition. Also, regarding the term usage such as 'changer urbanization,' which is incorrect yet tried to show higher lexical range.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [5]
The essay shows a moderately varied use of sentence structures but also features several noticeable grammatical errors, such as missing articles, incorrect verb use, poor usage of prepositions, awkward phrases, and issues with subject-verb agreement.
Overall: [6]
Overall, the essay provides a clear response to the task, has a good structure and demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary and grammar usage. However, the frequent errors and occasional lack of clarity limit the effectiveness of the response and the score it achieves.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
As countries develop, their populations tend to live individually or in small family units. What are the causes of this trend and what are the effects on society?
Essay:
As the progression of nations continues to advance, there is a noticeable trend towards individuals or small family units living separately. This phenomenon, an outcome of the societal growth, holds a myriad of implications for both people and society as a whole.
The societal advancement cornerstones the reason why people prefer living individually or in smaller families. Improved accessibility to opportunities serves as a catalyst for this transition. Whether it's education or jobs, the option to relocate and operate from distant locations, even foreign countries, has become an increasingly viable choice. With the emergence of a variety of activities and hobbies, personal space and individual time have become treasured commodities. A prime example of this shift can be seen in South Korea, where industrialization has drawn numerous people from rural areas to the urban sprawl, often leaving their extended families behind.
However, this shift is not without its negative undertones. As societal tethering loosens, individuals may slide into isolation, fostering a sense of selfishness and independence. Increased relocation of younger generations, for instance, often results in their aging parents living alone, causing depression and unhappiness. As a byproduct, governments start to roll-back initiatives beneficial for larger households, causing deterioration in familial relationships and a decline in birth rates, which could lead to demographic imbalances.
In conclusion, as countries evolve, a shift in family dynamics is an unavoidable corollary. While this change ostensibly presents lifestyle benefits, it also causes detriments to the basic fabric of society, which calls for measures to balance progress and tradition.
Word count: 262
Essay translated in Korean:
국가 진보가 계속되면서 개인 또는 작은 가족 단위가 별개로 생활하는 경향을 볼 수 있다. 이 현상은 사회적 성장의 결과로, 사람들과 사회 전체에 다양한 시사점을 쥐고 있다.
사회적 발전이 사람들이 개별적으로 또는 작은 가족 내에서 생활하는 것을 선호하는 이유를 제공한다. 향상된 기회 접근성이 이런 전환을 촉진하는 데 일조한다. 교육이건 일자리건, 거리가 먼 위치에서, 심지어 외국에서 이동하고 작업하는 것이 점점 실현 가능한 선택이 되고 있다. 다양한 활동과 취미의 등장으로 개인의 공간과 시간이 소중한 자산이 되었다. 이러한 변화의 대표적인 예로는 산업화를 통해 사람들을 시골에서 도시로 끌어들이면서 종종 그들의 확장 가족을 뒤로 남겨둔 한국을 들 수 있다.
그러나 이런 전환은 부정적인 의미를 안고 있다. 사회적 연결이 풀리면서 개인들은 고립으로 미끄러져 독립성과 이기심을 부추길 수 있다. 예를 들어, 젊은 세대의 이동이 늘어나면 그들의 노화된 부모님들이 혼자 살게 되어 우울증과 불행을 초래한다. 이로 인해 정부는 대가족에게 유리한 정책을 축소시켜 가족 간 관계가 악화되고 출생률이 감소하는 현상을 초래하며, 인구 불균형을 초래할 수 있다.
결론적으로, 국가가 발전함에 따라 가족 역학의 변화는 불가피한 부가결과다. 이 변화는 겉보기에는 생활 혜택을 제공하지만, 사회의 기본 직물에 해를 끼치기도 하므로 진보와 전통을 균형있게 조화시키는 조치가 필요하다.
Good expressions:
1. Progression of nations continues to advance- 국가의 발전이 계속 진행되다
2. Myriad of implications - 수많은 함의
3. Emergence of a variety of activities - 다양한 활동의 등장
4. Unavoidable corollary - 피할 수 없는 필연적 결과
5. Ostensibly presents lifestyle benefits - 겉보기에는 생활 혜택을 제공한다.
As the progression of nations continues to advance, there is a noticeable trend towards individuals or small family units living separately. This phenomenon, an outcome of the societal growth, holds a myriad of implications for both people and society as a whole.
The societal advancement cornerstones the reason why people prefer living individually or in smaller families. Improved accessibility to opportunities serves as a catalyst for this transition. Whether it's education or jobs, the option to relocate and operate from distant locations, even foreign countries, has become an increasingly viable choice. With the emergence of a variety of activities and hobbies, personal space and individual time have become treasured commodities. A prime example of this shift can be seen in South Korea, where industrialization has drawn numerous people from rural areas to the urban sprawl, often leaving their extended families behind.
However, this shift is not without its negative undertones. As societal tethering loosens, individuals may slide into isolation, fostering a sense of selfishness and independence. Increased relocation of younger generations, for instance, often results in their aging parents living alone, causing depression and unhappiness. As a byproduct, governments start to roll-back initiatives beneficial for larger households, causing deterioration in familial relationships and a decline in birth rates, which could lead to demographic imbalances.
In conclusion, as countries evolve, a shift in family dynamics is an unavoidable corollary. While this change ostensibly presents lifestyle benefits, it also causes detriments to the basic fabric of society, which calls for measures to balance progress and tradition.
Word count: 262
Essay translated in Korean:
국가 진보가 계속되면서 개인 또는 작은 가족 단위가 별개로 생활하는 경향을 볼 수 있다. 이 현상은 사회적 성장의 결과로, 사람들과 사회 전체에 다양한 시사점을 쥐고 있다.
사회적 발전이 사람들이 개별적으로 또는 작은 가족 내에서 생활하는 것을 선호하는 이유를 제공한다. 향상된 기회 접근성이 이런 전환을 촉진하는 데 일조한다. 교육이건 일자리건, 거리가 먼 위치에서, 심지어 외국에서 이동하고 작업하는 것이 점점 실현 가능한 선택이 되고 있다. 다양한 활동과 취미의 등장으로 개인의 공간과 시간이 소중한 자산이 되었다. 이러한 변화의 대표적인 예로는 산업화를 통해 사람들을 시골에서 도시로 끌어들이면서 종종 그들의 확장 가족을 뒤로 남겨둔 한국을 들 수 있다.
그러나 이런 전환은 부정적인 의미를 안고 있다. 사회적 연결이 풀리면서 개인들은 고립으로 미끄러져 독립성과 이기심을 부추길 수 있다. 예를 들어, 젊은 세대의 이동이 늘어나면 그들의 노화된 부모님들이 혼자 살게 되어 우울증과 불행을 초래한다. 이로 인해 정부는 대가족에게 유리한 정책을 축소시켜 가족 간 관계가 악화되고 출생률이 감소하는 현상을 초래하며, 인구 불균형을 초래할 수 있다.
결론적으로, 국가가 발전함에 따라 가족 역학의 변화는 불가피한 부가결과다. 이 변화는 겉보기에는 생활 혜택을 제공하지만, 사회의 기본 직물에 해를 끼치기도 하므로 진보와 전통을 균형있게 조화시키는 조치가 필요하다.
Good expressions:
1. Progression of nations continues to advance- 국가의 발전이 계속 진행되다
2. Myriad of implications - 수많은 함의
3. Emergence of a variety of activities - 다양한 활동의 등장
4. Unavoidable corollary - 피할 수 없는 필연적 결과
5. Ostensibly presents lifestyle benefits - 겉보기에는 생활 혜택을 제공한다.
제출한 라이팅
It is clear that some individuals prefer to live individually or in small family units due to state improvement. Generally speaking, there are many underlying causes for this trend, which I believe can have some effect on society.
By all accounts, there are many kinds of opportunities to people according to develop society. It starts to make family units. For starters, we can study or work from the hometown to so far, even abroad. Additionally, there are various activities, habits compare to the past. It means that people prefer personal time rather than with the family. Consequently, there is changer urbanization, it makes family units change from big to small or individual. This is why, according to a survey, compared with the past and now in South Korea, they achieve many industrializations, which means many people leave hometowns and work in urban areas without other families.
With all due consideration, these opportunities cause many problems. Essentially speaking, there become worse to societal isolation. It means that societies have a tendency of independence and selfishness. For example, the younger generation move so far from their hometown, their parents live alone. It makes their parents depression, unhappy. Secondly, governments will decrease policies for big families, and focus on small group units or individuals. All in all, governments face big problems that decrease birth rates and poor relationships with each other.
In conclusion, there are many changes of family units due to developing states. It is a good influence on lifestyles, but also has bad effects on family members. Therefore, we need to try to keep families.
By all accounts, there are many kinds of opportunities to people according to develop society. It starts to make family units. For starters, we can study or work from the hometown to so far, even abroad. Additionally, there are various activities, habits compare to the past. It means that people prefer personal time rather than with the family. Consequently, there is changer urbanization, it makes family units change from big to small or individual. This is why, according to a survey, compared with the past and now in South Korea, they achieve many industrializations, which means many people leave hometowns and work in urban areas without other families.
With all due consideration, these opportunities cause many problems. Essentially speaking, there become worse to societal isolation. It means that societies have a tendency of independence and selfishness. For example, the younger generation move so far from their hometown, their parents live alone. It makes their parents depression, unhappy. Secondly, governments will decrease policies for big families, and focus on small group units or individuals. All in all, governments face big problems that decrease birth rates and poor relationships with each other.
In conclusion, there are many changes of family units due to developing states. It is a good influence on lifestyles, but also has bad effects on family members. Therefore, we need to try to keep families.
공유
목록으로 돌아가기 😎
