아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Discussion
Today, more people put their prive information (address, telephone and plastic card numbers) online to do their daily activities (banking, shopping, socializing). Is it a positive or negative development?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views of the issue and the writer's opinion. However, the benefits and drawbacks could be expanded upon for a clearer understanding.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay has a logical flow with an introduction, body and conclusion. However, the linking of ideas could be improved, especially in the second paragraph.
Lexical Resource: 6
The essay makes use of an adequate range of vocabulary but some inaccurate word choice brings the score down slightly. For instance, 'shoppingmall' should be 'shopping mall', 'caution' is used incorrectly, 'side-effects' does not fit the context.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
While the essay displays a range of sentence structures, there are some errors such as 'it is a common trend that people write…so that participate', 'If some one did identification-theft'. Issues with word form ('convinient' should be 'convenient') and article use ('a bank account just a little data') are also apparent.
Overall: 6
The candidate has an adequate understanding of the task and sufficient command over the English language. However, there is room for improvement in aspects of vocabulary usage, grammar accuracy, and coherence.
Task Response: 6
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views of the issue and the writer's opinion. However, the benefits and drawbacks could be expanded upon for a clearer understanding.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay has a logical flow with an introduction, body and conclusion. However, the linking of ideas could be improved, especially in the second paragraph.
Lexical Resource: 6
The essay makes use of an adequate range of vocabulary but some inaccurate word choice brings the score down slightly. For instance, 'shoppingmall' should be 'shopping mall', 'caution' is used incorrectly, 'side-effects' does not fit the context.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
While the essay displays a range of sentence structures, there are some errors such as 'it is a common trend that people write…so that participate', 'If some one did identification-theft'. Issues with word form ('convinient' should be 'convenient') and article use ('a bank account just a little data') are also apparent.
Overall: 6
The candidate has an adequate understanding of the task and sufficient command over the English language. However, there is room for improvement in aspects of vocabulary usage, grammar accuracy, and coherence.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Today, more people put their prive information (address, telephone and plastic card numbers) online to do their daily activities (banking, shopping, socializing). Is it a positive or negative development?
Essay:
In modern society, technology has enabled individuals to disclose personal information online as part of their everyday activities. This essay will explore the advantages and disadvantages of this technological evolution, and present my views on the matter.
The first notable advantage of sharing private information online is the convenience it brings. For instance, when individuals input their personal data such as home address and bank details, it allows smooth transactions in e-commerce and banking platforms. This ease of transaction often leads to a time-saving experience and eliminates the need for manually typing in the details each time.
Regardless of these benefits, there are significant drawbacks to sharing personal information online. Foremost among these is the risk of data theft. For instance, as the ease of opening bank accounts online only requires a few inputs, cybercriminals could potentially misuse this information for nefarious activities, leading to both financial and emotional distress for the victims. Moreover, as citizens become accustomed to routinely sharing data online, they may develop less awareness towards the potential risks involved, undermining the need for prudent usage of their data.
In conclusion, while the convenience of online transactions is a clear benefit, it cannot overshadow the potential dangers posed by data breaches. Consequently, the sharing of personal information online is a double-edged sword that requires balanced and cautious use.
Word count: 260
Essay translated in Korean:
현대 사회에서는 기술이 사람들이 일상 활동의 일환으로 온라인에 개인 정보를 공개하게 해줍니다. 이 에세이에서는 이러한 기술 발전의 장단점을 탐구하고 이에 대한 저의 견해를 제시하겠습니다.
온라인에서 개인 정보를 공유하는 것의 첫 번째 명확한 이점은 그것이 가져다 주는 편리함입니다. 예를 들어, 개인이 집 주소나 은행 세부 정보와 같은 개인 데이터를 입력하면 이커머스 및 뱅킹 플랫폼에서 원활한 거래를 가능하게 합니다. 이러한 거래의 용이성은 종종 시간 절약 경험을 가져다주며, 매번 세부 정보를 수동으로 입력해야 하는 필요성을 없애줍니다.
이러한 이점에도 불구하고, 온라인에서 개인 정보를 공유하는 것에는 심각한 단점이 있습니다. 이 중 가장 중요한 것은 데이터 도난의 위험입니다. 예를 들어, 온라인으로 은행 계좌를 쉽게 개설할 수 있게 하는 것은 몇 가지 입력만 필요하기 때문에, 사이버 범죄자들은 이 정보를 악용하여 악의적인 활동을 수행할 수 있으며, 이로 인해 피해자들은 금전적, 정서적 고통을 겪게 될 수 있습니다. 또한, 시민들이 일상적으로 온라인에서 데이터를 공유하는 것에 익숙해지면서, 가능한 위험에 대한 인식이 점차 감소할 수 있으며, 그들의 데이터를 신중하게 사용해야 할 필요성을 저해할 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 온라인 거래의 편리성은 명백한 이점이지만, 데이터 유출에 의한 잠재적인 위험은 가릴 수 없습니다. 따라서, 온라인에서 개인 정보를 공유하는 것은 균형 잡힌 및 신중한 사용이 필요한 양날의 검입니다.
Good expressions:
1. double-edged sword - 양날의 검
2. technological evolution - 기술의 발전
3. potential dangers - 잠재적인 위험
4. significant drawbacks - 중요한 단점
5. smooth transactions - 원활한 거래
6. data breaches - 데이터 유출
7. data theft - 데이터 도날
8. balanced and cautious use - 균형 잡힌 및 신중한 사용
9. nefarious activities - 악의적인 활동
10. emotional distress - 정서적 고통
In modern society, technology has enabled individuals to disclose personal information online as part of their everyday activities. This essay will explore the advantages and disadvantages of this technological evolution, and present my views on the matter.
The first notable advantage of sharing private information online is the convenience it brings. For instance, when individuals input their personal data such as home address and bank details, it allows smooth transactions in e-commerce and banking platforms. This ease of transaction often leads to a time-saving experience and eliminates the need for manually typing in the details each time.
Regardless of these benefits, there are significant drawbacks to sharing personal information online. Foremost among these is the risk of data theft. For instance, as the ease of opening bank accounts online only requires a few inputs, cybercriminals could potentially misuse this information for nefarious activities, leading to both financial and emotional distress for the victims. Moreover, as citizens become accustomed to routinely sharing data online, they may develop less awareness towards the potential risks involved, undermining the need for prudent usage of their data.
In conclusion, while the convenience of online transactions is a clear benefit, it cannot overshadow the potential dangers posed by data breaches. Consequently, the sharing of personal information online is a double-edged sword that requires balanced and cautious use.
Word count: 260
Essay translated in Korean:
현대 사회에서는 기술이 사람들이 일상 활동의 일환으로 온라인에 개인 정보를 공개하게 해줍니다. 이 에세이에서는 이러한 기술 발전의 장단점을 탐구하고 이에 대한 저의 견해를 제시하겠습니다.
온라인에서 개인 정보를 공유하는 것의 첫 번째 명확한 이점은 그것이 가져다 주는 편리함입니다. 예를 들어, 개인이 집 주소나 은행 세부 정보와 같은 개인 데이터를 입력하면 이커머스 및 뱅킹 플랫폼에서 원활한 거래를 가능하게 합니다. 이러한 거래의 용이성은 종종 시간 절약 경험을 가져다주며, 매번 세부 정보를 수동으로 입력해야 하는 필요성을 없애줍니다.
이러한 이점에도 불구하고, 온라인에서 개인 정보를 공유하는 것에는 심각한 단점이 있습니다. 이 중 가장 중요한 것은 데이터 도난의 위험입니다. 예를 들어, 온라인으로 은행 계좌를 쉽게 개설할 수 있게 하는 것은 몇 가지 입력만 필요하기 때문에, 사이버 범죄자들은 이 정보를 악용하여 악의적인 활동을 수행할 수 있으며, 이로 인해 피해자들은 금전적, 정서적 고통을 겪게 될 수 있습니다. 또한, 시민들이 일상적으로 온라인에서 데이터를 공유하는 것에 익숙해지면서, 가능한 위험에 대한 인식이 점차 감소할 수 있으며, 그들의 데이터를 신중하게 사용해야 할 필요성을 저해할 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 온라인 거래의 편리성은 명백한 이점이지만, 데이터 유출에 의한 잠재적인 위험은 가릴 수 없습니다. 따라서, 온라인에서 개인 정보를 공유하는 것은 균형 잡힌 및 신중한 사용이 필요한 양날의 검입니다.
Good expressions:
1. double-edged sword - 양날의 검
2. technological evolution - 기술의 발전
3. potential dangers - 잠재적인 위험
4. significant drawbacks - 중요한 단점
5. smooth transactions - 원활한 거래
6. data breaches - 데이터 유출
7. data theft - 데이터 도날
8. balanced and cautious use - 균형 잡힌 및 신중한 사용
9. nefarious activities - 악의적인 활동
10. emotional distress - 정서적 고통
제출한 라이팅
In recent days, it is a common trend that people write their personal information on the Internet so that participate in daily activities. However, it has both advantages and disadvantages. I will discuss both views and give my opinion of this issue.
On the one hand, people have become very convinient to join many fields by filling in the blank. With using their personal information, everyone can easily become a member of shoppingmall, bank, social club and so on. By easy processing, people can save their time and effort. In addition, they don't need to remember all details since it can be filled automatically.
However, in my view, even though it is very easy to use and access, there are a number of drawbacks, too. It can cause not only personal problems, but also social issues. For instance, we can make bank account just a little data. If some one did identification-theft, it can be used for crime, which can bring out economical and mental damage. Furthermore, too frequent using of information makes people unaware of caution. Therefore, the personal information is essential and everyone should protect and use it in right ways.
To sum up, while it is clear that using information online has many benefits, it is undeniable that the abuse of data can bring many serious problems. So, people should be careful to address their private information and always keep in mind this side-effects.
On the one hand, people have become very convinient to join many fields by filling in the blank. With using their personal information, everyone can easily become a member of shoppingmall, bank, social club and so on. By easy processing, people can save their time and effort. In addition, they don't need to remember all details since it can be filled automatically.
However, in my view, even though it is very easy to use and access, there are a number of drawbacks, too. It can cause not only personal problems, but also social issues. For instance, we can make bank account just a little data. If some one did identification-theft, it can be used for crime, which can bring out economical and mental damage. Furthermore, too frequent using of information makes people unaware of caution. Therefore, the personal information is essential and everyone should protect and use it in right ways.
To sum up, while it is clear that using information online has many benefits, it is undeniable that the abuse of data can bring many serious problems. So, people should be careful to address their private information and always keep in mind this side-effects.
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