아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: [6]
The student has addressed the task, presenting both sides of the argument and offering a clear viewpoint on the issue. However, there's a lack of fully developed and relevant supporting ideas, especially in the first paragraph.
Coherence & Cohesion: [5]
The essay has an identifiable structure with an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. Although, the information and ideas are not clearly sequenced and the connection between some ideas is unclear.
Lexical Resource: [6]
The writer utilizes a decent range of vocabulary to express opinions and ideas. However, there are instances of incorrect word usage and some repetition of words/phrases, which hampers communication.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [5]
The essay demonstrates a moderate range of grammatical structures. There are various grammatical errors, notably in the use of articles, prepositions and verb tenses, which sometimes cause confusion.
Overall: [5.5]
The student needs to work on presenting clearer arguments, sentence construction and grammatical accuracy to improve the overall coherence and quality of the essay. The essay also has to be more engaging and persuasive to reach a higher band score.
Task Response: [6]
The student has addressed the task, presenting both sides of the argument and offering a clear viewpoint on the issue. However, there's a lack of fully developed and relevant supporting ideas, especially in the first paragraph.
Coherence & Cohesion: [5]
The essay has an identifiable structure with an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. Although, the information and ideas are not clearly sequenced and the connection between some ideas is unclear.
Lexical Resource: [6]
The writer utilizes a decent range of vocabulary to express opinions and ideas. However, there are instances of incorrect word usage and some repetition of words/phrases, which hampers communication.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [5]
The essay demonstrates a moderate range of grammatical structures. There are various grammatical errors, notably in the use of articles, prepositions and verb tenses, which sometimes cause confusion.
Overall: [5.5]
The student needs to work on presenting clearer arguments, sentence construction and grammatical accuracy to improve the overall coherence and quality of the essay. The essay also has to be more engaging and persuasive to reach a higher band score.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Essay:
Public health improvement is deserving of utmost attention. Developing sports facilities is considered by some to be the fortitude for this. However, others question its effectiveness and suggest more comprehensive measures be applied. I am inclined to agree with the latter perspective.
Increasing the number of sports facilities could be seen to enhance public health. People need accessible locations for exercise and wellness activities. The proximity of gyms, pools, and health centres could potentially encourage individuals to take up healthier habits. Furthermore, if these facilities are made universally accessible, it could encourage more frequent usage and subsequently, improved public health.
However, it's worth noting that more encompassing approaches might fare better in health improvements. Health can be bettered even without a sporting complex nearby. For instance, people can adopt outdoor activities such as jogging, walking, or soccer. Additionally, it often boils down to individual motivation. If one is decisive about improving one's health, the lack of gym facilities won't be a deterrent. Policies and incentives can function better in this perspective. If a government is truly invested in public health, providing benefits and incentives would be a more effective approach, alongside strategies such as implementing health taxes.
In a nutshell, although sports facilities may contribute to health promotion, more diversified and comprehensive measures should be the focus. Government policies and incentives may be the missing key to enhancing public health.
Word count: 260
Essay translated in Korean:
공공보건 향상은 가장 중요한 주의를 기울여야합니다. 일부에게는 스포츠 시설을 개발하는 것이 이를 위한 강점으로 간주됩니다. 그러나 다른 이들은 그 효과를 묻고 보다 종합적인 조치를 제안합니다. 나는 후자의 관점에 더 동의하고 있다.
스포츠 시설을 늘리는 것은 공공 건강을 향상시킬 수 있다고 볼 수 있습니다. 사람들은 운동과 웰니스 활동을 위한 접근 가능한 장소를 필요로 합니다. 체육관, 수영장, 보건소 등의 근접성은 개인들이 더 건강한 습관을 취하게 할 수 있습니다. 또한 이런 시설을 보편적으로 이용할 수 있게 만든다면, 더 자주 사용하고 따라서 공공 건강을 향상시킬 수 있습니다.
그러나 건강 개선에 있어 보다 포괄적인 접근법이 더 나을 수 있습니다. 스포츠 단지가 근처에 없어도 건강은 향상될 수 있습니다. 예를 들어, 사람들은 조깅, 걷기, 축구와 같은 야외 활동을 취할 수 있습니다. 또한, 여기에는 개인의 동기가 종종 연관되어 있습니다. 만약 누군가가 자신의 건강을 개선하려고 결심했다면, 체육관 시설의 부족은 방해가 되지 않을 것입니다. 정책과 인센티브가 이 관점에서 더 잘 작동할 수 있습니다. 정부가 정말로 공공 건강에 투자하려면, 보상과 인센티브를 제공하는 것이 더 효과적인 접근법으로 보입니다. 이와 함께 보건 세금을 실시하는 것과 같은 전략을 구현하는 것입니다.
간단히 말해서, 스포츠 시설은 건강 진흥에 기여할 수 있지만, 보다 다양하고 종합적인 조치가 초점이 되어야합니다. 정부 정책과 인센티브가 공공보건을 향상시키는 데 필요한 열쇠일 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. health improvements (건강 개선)
2. universally accessible (보편적으로 접근할 수 있는)
3. encompassing approaches (포괄적인 접근법)
4. individual motivation (개인의 동기)
5. providing benefits and incentives (보상과 인센티브를 제공하는)
6. implementing health taxes (보건 세금을 실시하는)
7. diversified and comprehensive measures (다양하고 종합적인 조치)
8. enhancing public health (공공보건 향상)
Public health improvement is deserving of utmost attention. Developing sports facilities is considered by some to be the fortitude for this. However, others question its effectiveness and suggest more comprehensive measures be applied. I am inclined to agree with the latter perspective.
Increasing the number of sports facilities could be seen to enhance public health. People need accessible locations for exercise and wellness activities. The proximity of gyms, pools, and health centres could potentially encourage individuals to take up healthier habits. Furthermore, if these facilities are made universally accessible, it could encourage more frequent usage and subsequently, improved public health.
However, it's worth noting that more encompassing approaches might fare better in health improvements. Health can be bettered even without a sporting complex nearby. For instance, people can adopt outdoor activities such as jogging, walking, or soccer. Additionally, it often boils down to individual motivation. If one is decisive about improving one's health, the lack of gym facilities won't be a deterrent. Policies and incentives can function better in this perspective. If a government is truly invested in public health, providing benefits and incentives would be a more effective approach, alongside strategies such as implementing health taxes.
In a nutshell, although sports facilities may contribute to health promotion, more diversified and comprehensive measures should be the focus. Government policies and incentives may be the missing key to enhancing public health.
Word count: 260
Essay translated in Korean:
공공보건 향상은 가장 중요한 주의를 기울여야합니다. 일부에게는 스포츠 시설을 개발하는 것이 이를 위한 강점으로 간주됩니다. 그러나 다른 이들은 그 효과를 묻고 보다 종합적인 조치를 제안합니다. 나는 후자의 관점에 더 동의하고 있다.
스포츠 시설을 늘리는 것은 공공 건강을 향상시킬 수 있다고 볼 수 있습니다. 사람들은 운동과 웰니스 활동을 위한 접근 가능한 장소를 필요로 합니다. 체육관, 수영장, 보건소 등의 근접성은 개인들이 더 건강한 습관을 취하게 할 수 있습니다. 또한 이런 시설을 보편적으로 이용할 수 있게 만든다면, 더 자주 사용하고 따라서 공공 건강을 향상시킬 수 있습니다.
그러나 건강 개선에 있어 보다 포괄적인 접근법이 더 나을 수 있습니다. 스포츠 단지가 근처에 없어도 건강은 향상될 수 있습니다. 예를 들어, 사람들은 조깅, 걷기, 축구와 같은 야외 활동을 취할 수 있습니다. 또한, 여기에는 개인의 동기가 종종 연관되어 있습니다. 만약 누군가가 자신의 건강을 개선하려고 결심했다면, 체육관 시설의 부족은 방해가 되지 않을 것입니다. 정책과 인센티브가 이 관점에서 더 잘 작동할 수 있습니다. 정부가 정말로 공공 건강에 투자하려면, 보상과 인센티브를 제공하는 것이 더 효과적인 접근법으로 보입니다. 이와 함께 보건 세금을 실시하는 것과 같은 전략을 구현하는 것입니다.
간단히 말해서, 스포츠 시설은 건강 진흥에 기여할 수 있지만, 보다 다양하고 종합적인 조치가 초점이 되어야합니다. 정부 정책과 인센티브가 공공보건을 향상시키는 데 필요한 열쇠일 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. health improvements (건강 개선)
2. universally accessible (보편적으로 접근할 수 있는)
3. encompassing approaches (포괄적인 접근법)
4. individual motivation (개인의 동기)
5. providing benefits and incentives (보상과 인센티브를 제공하는)
6. implementing health taxes (보건 세금을 실시하는)
7. diversified and comprehensive measures (다양하고 종합적인 조치)
8. enhancing public health (공공보건 향상)
제출한 라이팅
People often argue that increasing the number of sports facilities such as gym, pool, and health care centers can enable to develop public health. While others say that it is not effectiveness way to improve the health. Moreover, it is believed that the other approaches are needed. Both views will be discussed, and I believe that the latter view is more persuasive.
To begin with, a growth of the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve general health in countries. First of all, people need a place which can use to improve people’s health abilities. To illustrate, there will be provided to public, they think about to go to the places at least once. By placing, the facilities are near people’s life zone, they can remind the spaces. In addition, if the facilities can be provided to access anywhere, people can go more often.
Nevertheless, expanding the number of healthcare spaces is less effective to upgrade the public health. In general, there are many options to develop public’s health. Even if they do not have some exercising tools. For example, they can enjoy jogging, walking, and playing soccer. In addition, they have a mind to improve their health, they would go for it anywhere like gym or outside. In other words, other ways for improve general health are needed. To illustrate, policies or benefits can be examples. If governments worry about their public health, they can provide benefits. For instance, the governments provide good facilities for health for free, people try to go more for themselves. On the other hand, governments can collect health taxes like fat tax.
In conclusion, although, increasing the number of sports facilities can be the best way to improve general health, I believe that different measures are needed to enhance the public health. Thus, providing better benefits to the public should be encouraged.
To begin with, a growth of the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve general health in countries. First of all, people need a place which can use to improve people’s health abilities. To illustrate, there will be provided to public, they think about to go to the places at least once. By placing, the facilities are near people’s life zone, they can remind the spaces. In addition, if the facilities can be provided to access anywhere, people can go more often.
Nevertheless, expanding the number of healthcare spaces is less effective to upgrade the public health. In general, there are many options to develop public’s health. Even if they do not have some exercising tools. For example, they can enjoy jogging, walking, and playing soccer. In addition, they have a mind to improve their health, they would go for it anywhere like gym or outside. In other words, other ways for improve general health are needed. To illustrate, policies or benefits can be examples. If governments worry about their public health, they can provide benefits. For instance, the governments provide good facilities for health for free, people try to go more for themselves. On the other hand, governments can collect health taxes like fat tax.
In conclusion, although, increasing the number of sports facilities can be the best way to improve general health, I believe that different measures are needed to enhance the public health. Thus, providing better benefits to the public should be encouraged.
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