아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Discussion
Individual greed and selfishness has been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community in order to create a better world to live in.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: [7]
The student has completely addressed the prompt by discussing the benefits of reinstating traditional values of family and community respect. They have also given examples and stated their opinion clearly.
Coherence & Cohesion: [6]
While the essay was logically organized, some of the sentences were difficult to understand due to awkward wording or phrasing. The use of cohesive devices is adequate.
Lexical Resource: [7]
The student's vocabulary is varied and, for the most part, used accurately. The range of vocabulary shows an ability to discuss the topic in depth, but some phrases like 'reside better' and 'make up a better world' are used awkwardly.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [6]
The essay shows a range of complex structures, but there are quite a few grammatical errors that impact the clarity of the writing. Examples include 'all generation need to respect' and 'the rate of satisfaction against to the society'.
Overall: [6.5]
The essay provides an adequate response to the task and shows some ability in coherent expression, vocabulary usage and grammatical complexity, but the frequent grammatical mistakes and some awkward language usage causes some coherence problems.
Task Response: [7]
The student has completely addressed the prompt by discussing the benefits of reinstating traditional values of family and community respect. They have also given examples and stated their opinion clearly.
Coherence & Cohesion: [6]
While the essay was logically organized, some of the sentences were difficult to understand due to awkward wording or phrasing. The use of cohesive devices is adequate.
Lexical Resource: [7]
The student's vocabulary is varied and, for the most part, used accurately. The range of vocabulary shows an ability to discuss the topic in depth, but some phrases like 'reside better' and 'make up a better world' are used awkwardly.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [6]
The essay shows a range of complex structures, but there are quite a few grammatical errors that impact the clarity of the writing. Examples include 'all generation need to respect' and 'the rate of satisfaction against to the society'.
Overall: [6.5]
The essay provides an adequate response to the task and shows some ability in coherent expression, vocabulary usage and grammatical complexity, but the frequent grammatical mistakes and some awkward language usage causes some coherence problems.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Individual greed and selfishness has been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community in order to create a better world to live in.
- Essay:
It is understandable that some people argue that the modern age is marked by a higher level of self-interest and greed than the past, believing that maintaining economic growth through self-fulfillment is beneficial. However, I assert wholeheartedly that embracing older, more traditional values such as respect for family and community can foster a better world in which to exist.
To start with, by fostering relationships within our families and local communities, individuals can sculpt their morals and develop emotionally. In doing so, we nurture a population better equipped to contribute positively to society. For instance, a study from Goethe University in Germany reveals that societal and life satisfaction was higher half a century ago, suggesting the impact of community ties and values on societal health.
Additionally, when we respect and learn from each other, we acquire tools to weather life’s challenges. Time-honored wisdom taught by the older generation, for example, can offer solutions in difficult times. Simultaneously, younger generations can educate elders about new technologies or platforms, helping to bridge the span between old and new. The resulting collective empowerment can shape a more compassionate and brighter future.
In conclusion, by nurturing familial and community relationships and learning from each other, individuals mature naturally and respect is fostered. Such balance between past wisdom and future innovations could lead to a society that thrives positively.
- Word count: 259
- Essay translated in Korean:
일부 사람들은 현대가 과거보다 자기 관심과 탐욕이 더 많이 드러나는 시대라고 주장하며, 자아를 충족시키는 것을 통해 경제 성장을 유지하는 것이 유익하다고 믿을 수 있습니다. 그러나 나는 양심적으로 가족과 지역 사회에 대한 존중과 같은 고전적이고 전통적인 가치를 받아들임으로써 더 나은 세계를 조성할 수 있다고 주장합니다.
먼저, 우리 가족과 지역 사회 내에서 관계를 형성함으로써 개인들은 도덕을 세공하고 감정적으로 발전할 수 있습니다. 이를 통해 우리는 사회에 긍정적으로 기여할 수 있는 인구를 길러 냅니다. 예를 들어, 독일의 괴테 대학의 한 연구에서는 50년 전의 사회적, 생활 만족도가 더 높았음을 보여주어, 지역 사회 간 연대와 가치가 사회 건강에 미치는 영향을 암시합니다.
또한, 우리가 서로를 존중하고 배우면, 우리는 인생의 도전에 대처할 수 있는 도구를 획득합니다. 예를 들어, 연령이 많은 세대의 시대를 초월한 지혜는 어려운 시기에 해결책을 제공할 수 있습니다. 동시에, 젊은 세대는 노년층에게 새로운 기술이나 플랫폼에 대해 교육을 제공하여 과거와 미래 사이의 차이를 연결하는 데 도움이 될 수 있습니다. 결과적으로 이루어지는 집단적 강화는 더 자비롭고 밝은 미래를 모양을 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 가족과 지역 사회의 관계를 길러내고 서로에서 배우면, 개인들은 자연스럽게 성숙해지고 존중이 키워집니다. 과거의 지혜와 미래의 혁신 사이의 균형은 긍정적으로 성장하는 사회를 이끌 수 있습니다.
- Good expressions:
1. It is understandable that - 어떤 사람들이 ~라고 주장하는 것은 이해할 수 있다
2. I assert wholeheartedly - 나는 강력하게 주장한다
3. can foster a better world - 더 나은 세상을 조성할 수 있다
4. by fostering relationships - 관계를 길러내는 것을 통해
5. when we respect and learn from each other - 서로를 존중하고 배울 때
6. can shape a more compassionate and brighter future - 더 자비롭고 밝은 미래를 형성할 수 있다
7. Such balance between past wisdom and future innovations could lead - 과거의 지형과 미래의 혁신 사이의 이러한 균형은 ~를 이끌 수 있다.
It is understandable that some people argue that the modern age is marked by a higher level of self-interest and greed than the past, believing that maintaining economic growth through self-fulfillment is beneficial. However, I assert wholeheartedly that embracing older, more traditional values such as respect for family and community can foster a better world in which to exist.
To start with, by fostering relationships within our families and local communities, individuals can sculpt their morals and develop emotionally. In doing so, we nurture a population better equipped to contribute positively to society. For instance, a study from Goethe University in Germany reveals that societal and life satisfaction was higher half a century ago, suggesting the impact of community ties and values on societal health.
Additionally, when we respect and learn from each other, we acquire tools to weather life’s challenges. Time-honored wisdom taught by the older generation, for example, can offer solutions in difficult times. Simultaneously, younger generations can educate elders about new technologies or platforms, helping to bridge the span between old and new. The resulting collective empowerment can shape a more compassionate and brighter future.
In conclusion, by nurturing familial and community relationships and learning from each other, individuals mature naturally and respect is fostered. Such balance between past wisdom and future innovations could lead to a society that thrives positively.
- Word count: 259
- Essay translated in Korean:
일부 사람들은 현대가 과거보다 자기 관심과 탐욕이 더 많이 드러나는 시대라고 주장하며, 자아를 충족시키는 것을 통해 경제 성장을 유지하는 것이 유익하다고 믿을 수 있습니다. 그러나 나는 양심적으로 가족과 지역 사회에 대한 존중과 같은 고전적이고 전통적인 가치를 받아들임으로써 더 나은 세계를 조성할 수 있다고 주장합니다.
먼저, 우리 가족과 지역 사회 내에서 관계를 형성함으로써 개인들은 도덕을 세공하고 감정적으로 발전할 수 있습니다. 이를 통해 우리는 사회에 긍정적으로 기여할 수 있는 인구를 길러 냅니다. 예를 들어, 독일의 괴테 대학의 한 연구에서는 50년 전의 사회적, 생활 만족도가 더 높았음을 보여주어, 지역 사회 간 연대와 가치가 사회 건강에 미치는 영향을 암시합니다.
또한, 우리가 서로를 존중하고 배우면, 우리는 인생의 도전에 대처할 수 있는 도구를 획득합니다. 예를 들어, 연령이 많은 세대의 시대를 초월한 지혜는 어려운 시기에 해결책을 제공할 수 있습니다. 동시에, 젊은 세대는 노년층에게 새로운 기술이나 플랫폼에 대해 교육을 제공하여 과거와 미래 사이의 차이를 연결하는 데 도움이 될 수 있습니다. 결과적으로 이루어지는 집단적 강화는 더 자비롭고 밝은 미래를 모양을 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 가족과 지역 사회의 관계를 길러내고 서로에서 배우면, 개인들은 자연스럽게 성숙해지고 존중이 키워집니다. 과거의 지혜와 미래의 혁신 사이의 균형은 긍정적으로 성장하는 사회를 이끌 수 있습니다.
- Good expressions:
1. It is understandable that - 어떤 사람들이 ~라고 주장하는 것은 이해할 수 있다
2. I assert wholeheartedly - 나는 강력하게 주장한다
3. can foster a better world - 더 나은 세상을 조성할 수 있다
4. by fostering relationships - 관계를 길러내는 것을 통해
5. when we respect and learn from each other - 서로를 존중하고 배울 때
6. can shape a more compassionate and brighter future - 더 자비롭고 밝은 미래를 형성할 수 있다
7. Such balance between past wisdom and future innovations could lead - 과거의 지형과 미래의 혁신 사이의 이러한 균형은 ~를 이끌 수 있다.
제출한 라이팅
In this day and age, it seems true that individuals in modern society have greed and selfishness more than in older society. Some people contend it will create the world to live better because people want to fulfill their desire and wealth. This can thrive the world in economy way. Even so, it is my fundamental belief that all generation need to respect for the family and the local community which have older and more traditional values in order to make a better world. Because people can develop themselves mentally and learn the wisdom of life by respecting others in society.
To begin with, The primary reason that I feel this way is that individuals can be mature and develop their own inner side by getting along with family and socializing in the local community. Consequently, each individual can become a suitable member consisting of an world to reside better. For example, one research made at Geothe university in Germany demonstrates that the rate of satisfaction against to the society and life 50 years ago is higher than this year.
Furthermore, by respecting, individuals can learn from each other and get know-how to handle the hardships in life. For example, young generation can learn wisdom and advice from old generation when they have a challenge in life. On the other hand, young individuals can teach new technology such as digital gadgets and social networking to the elderly. They can fulfill each weakness and encourage one another. It will help people overcome all endeavors and make up a better world to live in.
To sum up, by getting along with other family members and learning how to dwell together in a community, the individuals can be mature and respect each other naturally. Furthermore, each generation can get know-how and wise from one another. It eventually leads our society to reside positively.
To begin with, The primary reason that I feel this way is that individuals can be mature and develop their own inner side by getting along with family and socializing in the local community. Consequently, each individual can become a suitable member consisting of an world to reside better. For example, one research made at Geothe university in Germany demonstrates that the rate of satisfaction against to the society and life 50 years ago is higher than this year.
Furthermore, by respecting, individuals can learn from each other and get know-how to handle the hardships in life. For example, young generation can learn wisdom and advice from old generation when they have a challenge in life. On the other hand, young individuals can teach new technology such as digital gadgets and social networking to the elderly. They can fulfill each weakness and encourage one another. It will help people overcome all endeavors and make up a better world to live in.
To sum up, by getting along with other family members and learning how to dwell together in a community, the individuals can be mature and respect each other naturally. Furthermore, each generation can get know-how and wise from one another. It eventually leads our society to reside positively.
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