아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Two parts
nowadays, more teenagers want to become famous actors or singers. Why do you think this is happening? Is this a positive or negative development?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The student has adequately addressed the task by explaining why teenagers want to become famous and whether it is positive or negative. However, the argument could be more fully developed. For example, the student stated that there are benefits to this trend but did not elaborate on these.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The student has succeeded in organising ideas and information, and has used linking devices ('While', 'For example'). However, there is a lack of cohesion in some sentences where the connection between ideas is not clear.
Lexical Resource: 6
The student used a good range of vocabulary ('luxurious', 'enthusiastically', 'idols', 'mimic'). However, there are some words that are not used appropriately ('satisfied lifestyle', 'exposed').
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
The student used a variety of sentence structures. But there are errors in sentences that affect the meaning ('most of them who tried to become famous in their childhood didn't actually be a celebrity', 'On top ot that, it makes schoolchildren less concentrate on their academic performance.').
Overall: 6
The student demonstrated an adequate to good understanding of the task, using a generally adequate range of lexis and grammar. However, more attention to developing the argument fully and to improving grammatical accuracy can help to increase the score.
Task Response: 6
The student has adequately addressed the task by explaining why teenagers want to become famous and whether it is positive or negative. However, the argument could be more fully developed. For example, the student stated that there are benefits to this trend but did not elaborate on these.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The student has succeeded in organising ideas and information, and has used linking devices ('While', 'For example'). However, there is a lack of cohesion in some sentences where the connection between ideas is not clear.
Lexical Resource: 6
The student used a good range of vocabulary ('luxurious', 'enthusiastically', 'idols', 'mimic'). However, there are some words that are not used appropriately ('satisfied lifestyle', 'exposed').
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
The student used a variety of sentence structures. But there are errors in sentences that affect the meaning ('most of them who tried to become famous in their childhood didn't actually be a celebrity', 'On top ot that, it makes schoolchildren less concentrate on their academic performance.').
Overall: 6
The student demonstrated an adequate to good understanding of the task, using a generally adequate range of lexis and grammar. However, more attention to developing the argument fully and to improving grammatical accuracy can help to increase the score.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
nowadays, more teenagers want to become famous actors or singers.
Why do you think this is happening?
Is this a positive or negative development?
Essay:
Indeed, it is increasingly apparent that today's teenagers are being lured by the glamour and ostentation of celebrity life. This phenomenon can largely be attributed to the intense exposure of youngsters to media which portrays the glitz and sparkle of stardom, enticing them to dream of similar fame and opulence. However, I firmly hold the opinion that this trend is majorly detrimental for the youth, potentially diverting their focus away from other equally important aspects of life.
The charm and allure of celebrity life typically emanates from incessant media coverage, showcasing their extravagant lifestyles and envious popularity. Often, adolescents are captivated by this, aspiring to attain such an elevated social status and the accompanying luxurious life. This obsession with imitating their favourite stars can result in less emphasis on academic performance, as a recent survey revealing that over fifty percent of students wished to emulate TV personalities' lifestyles indicates.
Although some argue that this trend has its merits, I firmly believe it is more problematic than beneficial. An uncritical pursuit of fame may lead teenagers to overlook the importance of preparing for an alternative career in their twenties should they fail to achieve their dream of stardom. A lack of a fallback career could result in a less fulfilling lifestyle in comparison to their peers who duly pursued formal education. For instance, adolescents who entirely focused on mimicking their idols could face difficulties securing jobs in other fields due to lack of necessary skills acquired through formal education.
In conclusion, despite the overwhelming attraction of celebrities' lives for many young people, the downsides far outweigh the perceived glamour as it can lead to less balanced and fulfilling lives in the long run.
Word count: 263
Essay translated in Korean:
오늘날의 청소년들이 유명인의 화려하고 과시적인 생활에 이끌리는 것이 늘어나는 것은 사실입니다. 이 현상은 대부분 청소년들이 미디어 노출이 강하며, 그것이 스타들의 화려함과 빛을 보여주어 이와 비슷한 명성과 부를 꿈꾸게 만드는 데 크게 기여합니다. 그러나, 저는 이러한 추세가 청소년에게 주로 해로울 뿐만 아니라, 다른 중요한 삶의 측면에 대한 집중력을 흐트릴 수 있다는 견해를 강하게 지지합니다.
유명인의 생활의 매력과 유혹은 대체로 끊임없는 미디어의 보도를 통해 비롯되며, 이는 그들의 호화로운 생활 방식과 시기하는 대중성을 보여줍니다. 자주, 청소년들은 이것에 매료되어, 이러한 높은 사회적 지위와 함께 딸려오는 호화로운 생활을 얻기를 소망합니다. 최근에 실시된 설문 조사에서 학생들의 50% 이상이 TV 인물들의 생활 방식을 모방하고 싶다고 밝혔습니다.
이러한 추세에는 그 장점이 있다고 주장하는 사람들이 있지만, 저는 이것이 이롭기보다는 문제가 더 많다고 확신합니다. 비판적이지 않은 명성 추구는 십대에서 이십대로 넘어가며 청소년들이 스타가 되지 못할 경우의 대체 경력 준비의 중요성을 간과하게 할 수 있습니다. 별다른 대안 경력이 없다면, 관련된 기술을 통해 공식적인 교육을 받아야 하는 다른 분야에서 일자리를 찾는 데 어려움을 겪을 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 많은 청소년들에게 유명인들의 생활에 대한 압도적인 매력에도 불구하고, 이것이 장기적으로 덜 균형 잡히고 만족스런 삶을 이끌 수 있으므로 그 단점이 두드러집니다.
Good expressions:
1. "being lured by the glamour and ostentation" - 화려함과 과시에 이끌리다
2. "an uncritical pursuit of fame" - 비판적이지 않은 명성 추구
3. "overlook the importance of" - ~의 중요성을 간과하다
4. "lack of a fallback career" - 대체 경력이 부족하다
5. "the downsides far outweigh the perceived glamour" - 단점이 인식되는 화려함을 훨씬 초과한다
Indeed, it is increasingly apparent that today's teenagers are being lured by the glamour and ostentation of celebrity life. This phenomenon can largely be attributed to the intense exposure of youngsters to media which portrays the glitz and sparkle of stardom, enticing them to dream of similar fame and opulence. However, I firmly hold the opinion that this trend is majorly detrimental for the youth, potentially diverting their focus away from other equally important aspects of life.
The charm and allure of celebrity life typically emanates from incessant media coverage, showcasing their extravagant lifestyles and envious popularity. Often, adolescents are captivated by this, aspiring to attain such an elevated social status and the accompanying luxurious life. This obsession with imitating their favourite stars can result in less emphasis on academic performance, as a recent survey revealing that over fifty percent of students wished to emulate TV personalities' lifestyles indicates.
Although some argue that this trend has its merits, I firmly believe it is more problematic than beneficial. An uncritical pursuit of fame may lead teenagers to overlook the importance of preparing for an alternative career in their twenties should they fail to achieve their dream of stardom. A lack of a fallback career could result in a less fulfilling lifestyle in comparison to their peers who duly pursued formal education. For instance, adolescents who entirely focused on mimicking their idols could face difficulties securing jobs in other fields due to lack of necessary skills acquired through formal education.
In conclusion, despite the overwhelming attraction of celebrities' lives for many young people, the downsides far outweigh the perceived glamour as it can lead to less balanced and fulfilling lives in the long run.
Word count: 263
Essay translated in Korean:
오늘날의 청소년들이 유명인의 화려하고 과시적인 생활에 이끌리는 것이 늘어나는 것은 사실입니다. 이 현상은 대부분 청소년들이 미디어 노출이 강하며, 그것이 스타들의 화려함과 빛을 보여주어 이와 비슷한 명성과 부를 꿈꾸게 만드는 데 크게 기여합니다. 그러나, 저는 이러한 추세가 청소년에게 주로 해로울 뿐만 아니라, 다른 중요한 삶의 측면에 대한 집중력을 흐트릴 수 있다는 견해를 강하게 지지합니다.
유명인의 생활의 매력과 유혹은 대체로 끊임없는 미디어의 보도를 통해 비롯되며, 이는 그들의 호화로운 생활 방식과 시기하는 대중성을 보여줍니다. 자주, 청소년들은 이것에 매료되어, 이러한 높은 사회적 지위와 함께 딸려오는 호화로운 생활을 얻기를 소망합니다. 최근에 실시된 설문 조사에서 학생들의 50% 이상이 TV 인물들의 생활 방식을 모방하고 싶다고 밝혔습니다.
이러한 추세에는 그 장점이 있다고 주장하는 사람들이 있지만, 저는 이것이 이롭기보다는 문제가 더 많다고 확신합니다. 비판적이지 않은 명성 추구는 십대에서 이십대로 넘어가며 청소년들이 스타가 되지 못할 경우의 대체 경력 준비의 중요성을 간과하게 할 수 있습니다. 별다른 대안 경력이 없다면, 관련된 기술을 통해 공식적인 교육을 받아야 하는 다른 분야에서 일자리를 찾는 데 어려움을 겪을 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 많은 청소년들에게 유명인들의 생활에 대한 압도적인 매력에도 불구하고, 이것이 장기적으로 덜 균형 잡히고 만족스런 삶을 이끌 수 있으므로 그 단점이 두드러집니다.
Good expressions:
1. "being lured by the glamour and ostentation" - 화려함과 과시에 이끌리다
2. "an uncritical pursuit of fame" - 비판적이지 않은 명성 추구
3. "overlook the importance of" - ~의 중요성을 간과하다
4. "lack of a fallback career" - 대체 경력이 부족하다
5. "the downsides far outweigh the perceived glamour" - 단점이 인식되는 화려함을 훨씬 초과한다
제출한 라이팅
It is true that a growing number of teenagers hope to live celebrities' lives.
While there are some reasons that they feel this way, i firmly believe that it has more negative effects on children because most of them who tried to become famous in their childhood didn't actually be a celebrity.
The main cause of teenagers wanting to be a famous one it that they get exposure to the mass media which frequently shows celebrities' luxurious and popular lives.
Many children often react to the gorgeous livelihood enthusiastically and dream of belonging to the celebrities. it leads them to behaving like idols that they worship.
On top ot that, it makes schoolchildren less concentrate on their academic performance.
A survey conducted by some schools has shown that nearly over half of students per a class stated that they really are into people who appear in Tv programs, and want to mimic their lifestyles.
While there are some benefits to people in teens, i support the idea that following the celebrities would affect the way of living they have in quite a negative way.
When the majority of children pursuing a celebrity's life prepare to be a famous one, they never think about their careers in twenties in case they can't attain their dream.
It can ultimately result in a less satisfied lifestyle compared to their peers who normally completed formal education in the future.
For example, teenagers who didn't build other careers due to the pursuit of the idols were not easy to get a job in other fields because they had to spend most of their time in teens getting famous.
To sum up, it is clear that many chiildren get exposed to the lives of celebrities, causing them to follow the lives, negative impacts on teens far outweigh their pure passion.
While there are some reasons that they feel this way, i firmly believe that it has more negative effects on children because most of them who tried to become famous in their childhood didn't actually be a celebrity.
The main cause of teenagers wanting to be a famous one it that they get exposure to the mass media which frequently shows celebrities' luxurious and popular lives.
Many children often react to the gorgeous livelihood enthusiastically and dream of belonging to the celebrities. it leads them to behaving like idols that they worship.
On top ot that, it makes schoolchildren less concentrate on their academic performance.
A survey conducted by some schools has shown that nearly over half of students per a class stated that they really are into people who appear in Tv programs, and want to mimic their lifestyles.
While there are some benefits to people in teens, i support the idea that following the celebrities would affect the way of living they have in quite a negative way.
When the majority of children pursuing a celebrity's life prepare to be a famous one, they never think about their careers in twenties in case they can't attain their dream.
It can ultimately result in a less satisfied lifestyle compared to their peers who normally completed formal education in the future.
For example, teenagers who didn't build other careers due to the pursuit of the idols were not easy to get a job in other fields because they had to spend most of their time in teens getting famous.
To sum up, it is clear that many chiildren get exposed to the lives of celebrities, causing them to follow the lives, negative impacts on teens far outweigh their pure passion.
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