아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The essay has a clear overall view and addresses the task but could benefit from more cogent argumentation. Some parts of the essay discuss the task tangentially, making the main points less distinct.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
There is a logical organization to the essay and the points seem to link together fairly. However, there are areas, especially in the argument about risk, which could be better developed for clarity. Also, the conclusion does not seem to neatly sum up the essay's arguments.
Lexical Resource: 7
The student uses a good range of vocabulary including words such as 'apparent,' 'frustrated', 'recommend' and phrases like 'digital nomad', 'FIRE', 'earn their life.', which are appropriate for the topic.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
The essay displays a variety of complex structures. But, there are several errors affecting readability, like 'getting a risk', 'arguement', 'thesedays', and awry sentence structures
Overall: 6.25
The essay meets the requirements of the task to an extent. Improvement is needed in the coherence of the arguments, correction of grammatical errors and refining sentence structures for a higher score.
Task Response: 6
The essay has a clear overall view and addresses the task but could benefit from more cogent argumentation. Some parts of the essay discuss the task tangentially, making the main points less distinct.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
There is a logical organization to the essay and the points seem to link together fairly. However, there are areas, especially in the argument about risk, which could be better developed for clarity. Also, the conclusion does not seem to neatly sum up the essay's arguments.
Lexical Resource: 7
The student uses a good range of vocabulary including words such as 'apparent,' 'frustrated', 'recommend' and phrases like 'digital nomad', 'FIRE', 'earn their life.', which are appropriate for the topic.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
The essay displays a variety of complex structures. But, there are several errors affecting readability, like 'getting a risk', 'arguement', 'thesedays', and awry sentence structures
Overall: 6.25
The essay meets the requirements of the task to an extent. Improvement is needed in the coherence of the arguments, correction of grammatical errors and refining sentence structures for a higher score.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives.
Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?
Essay:
Many people fear the perceived peril of taking risks, whether in their personal lives or in their career decisions. However, the equally compelling belief asserts that risk can yield substantial rewards and even catalyze profound transformation.
The prevailing consensus is that individuals should strive for stability and safety in their lives, which offers them comfort and peace of mind about the future. Many are thus inclined to adopt a conventional lifestyle and pursue regular employment, knowing that deviation from the norm might leave them feeling alienated and apprehensive. The quest for tranquility is valued so highly that it is seen as a crucial component of success.
Contrarily, I hold that challenging norms and conventions can offer invaluable learning opportunities. The adage, "high risk can yield high return" is a well-acknowledged investment wisdom. For example, traditional bank savings are low risk but offer modest gains, around 5% annual interest. Conversely, riskier moves such as investing in Bitcoin have demonstrated potential for staggering profits, despite their volatility. Recent trends also see individuals leaving traditional employment early to live as digital nomads, or those emulating the FIRE lifestyle - Financial Independence, Retire Early. While they encounter criticism, these people report satisfaction and fulfillment in their unconventional living arrangements and income sources.
In conclusion, while risk-taking is often labeled as dangerous, its potential to induce substantial gains and catalyze personal growth is undeniable.
Word count: 261
Essay translated in Korean:
많은 사람들은 개인 생활이나 경력 결정에서 위험을 감수하는 것을 두려워하는 경향이 있습니다. 그러나 위험은 상당한 보상을 제공하고 심지어 깊은 변화를 촉발시킬 수 있다는 동등하게 설득력 있는 믿음이 있습니다.
일반적인 합의는, 사람들이 안정적이고 안전한 생활을 추구해야 하며, 이것이 미래에 대한 평화롭고 안심할 수 있는 생활을 제공한다는 것입니다. 따라서 많은 사람들은 보통의 생활 방식을 취하고 보통의 직업을 추구하려는 경향이 있습니다. 이로인해 정상에서 벗어나면 이방인감이나 불안감을 느낄 수 있습니다. 안정을 추구하는 것은 성공의 중요한 구성 요소로 여겨지는 정도로 중요하게 여겨집니다.
반면에, 제 생각엔, 규칙과 관습에 도전하는 것은 무가치할 수 없는 학습 기회를 제공할 수 있다고 생각합니다. "높은 위험은 높은 수익을 가져올 수 있다"는 격언은 잘 알려진 투자의 지혜입니다. 예를 들어, 전통적인 은행 저축은 위험이 낮지만 대략 5%의 연간 이자를 제공합니다. 반면에 비트코인에 투자하는 등의 위험한 행동은 변동성에도 불구하고 놀라운 이익을 제공할 수 있다는 것을 보여주었습니다. 최근의 경향으로는 일찍 일터를 떠나 디지털 노마드로 살거나 FIRE (자산 적립,일찍 퇴직)라이프스타일을 모방하는 사람들이 있습니다. 이들은 비판을 받지만, 이러한 비전통적인 생활 양식과 소득원에 만족하고 풍성을 보고있습니다.
결론적으로, 위험 감수는 종종 위험하다고 규정되지만, 상당한 이익을 가져오고 개인적 성장을 촉발시키는 잠재력은 부인할 수 없습니다.
Good expressions:
1. "perceived peril" - 인식되는 위험
2. "catalyze profound transformation" - 깊은 변화를 촉발시키다
3. "the quest for tranquility" - 평온을 향한 탐색
4. "adopt a conventional lifestyle" - 전통적인 생활 방식을 취하다
5. "yield substantial rewards" - 상당한 보상을 가져오다
6. "risky moves" - 위험한 움직임
7. "staggering profits" - 놀라운 이익
8. "demonstrated potential" - 보여진 잠재력
9. "emulating the FIRE lifestyle" - FIRE 라이프스타일을 모방
10. "encounter criticism" - 비판에 직면하다
Many people fear the perceived peril of taking risks, whether in their personal lives or in their career decisions. However, the equally compelling belief asserts that risk can yield substantial rewards and even catalyze profound transformation.
The prevailing consensus is that individuals should strive for stability and safety in their lives, which offers them comfort and peace of mind about the future. Many are thus inclined to adopt a conventional lifestyle and pursue regular employment, knowing that deviation from the norm might leave them feeling alienated and apprehensive. The quest for tranquility is valued so highly that it is seen as a crucial component of success.
Contrarily, I hold that challenging norms and conventions can offer invaluable learning opportunities. The adage, "high risk can yield high return" is a well-acknowledged investment wisdom. For example, traditional bank savings are low risk but offer modest gains, around 5% annual interest. Conversely, riskier moves such as investing in Bitcoin have demonstrated potential for staggering profits, despite their volatility. Recent trends also see individuals leaving traditional employment early to live as digital nomads, or those emulating the FIRE lifestyle - Financial Independence, Retire Early. While they encounter criticism, these people report satisfaction and fulfillment in their unconventional living arrangements and income sources.
In conclusion, while risk-taking is often labeled as dangerous, its potential to induce substantial gains and catalyze personal growth is undeniable.
Word count: 261
Essay translated in Korean:
많은 사람들은 개인 생활이나 경력 결정에서 위험을 감수하는 것을 두려워하는 경향이 있습니다. 그러나 위험은 상당한 보상을 제공하고 심지어 깊은 변화를 촉발시킬 수 있다는 동등하게 설득력 있는 믿음이 있습니다.
일반적인 합의는, 사람들이 안정적이고 안전한 생활을 추구해야 하며, 이것이 미래에 대한 평화롭고 안심할 수 있는 생활을 제공한다는 것입니다. 따라서 많은 사람들은 보통의 생활 방식을 취하고 보통의 직업을 추구하려는 경향이 있습니다. 이로인해 정상에서 벗어나면 이방인감이나 불안감을 느낄 수 있습니다. 안정을 추구하는 것은 성공의 중요한 구성 요소로 여겨지는 정도로 중요하게 여겨집니다.
반면에, 제 생각엔, 규칙과 관습에 도전하는 것은 무가치할 수 없는 학습 기회를 제공할 수 있다고 생각합니다. "높은 위험은 높은 수익을 가져올 수 있다"는 격언은 잘 알려진 투자의 지혜입니다. 예를 들어, 전통적인 은행 저축은 위험이 낮지만 대략 5%의 연간 이자를 제공합니다. 반면에 비트코인에 투자하는 등의 위험한 행동은 변동성에도 불구하고 놀라운 이익을 제공할 수 있다는 것을 보여주었습니다. 최근의 경향으로는 일찍 일터를 떠나 디지털 노마드로 살거나 FIRE (자산 적립,일찍 퇴직)라이프스타일을 모방하는 사람들이 있습니다. 이들은 비판을 받지만, 이러한 비전통적인 생활 양식과 소득원에 만족하고 풍성을 보고있습니다.
결론적으로, 위험 감수는 종종 위험하다고 규정되지만, 상당한 이익을 가져오고 개인적 성장을 촉발시키는 잠재력은 부인할 수 없습니다.
Good expressions:
1. "perceived peril" - 인식되는 위험
2. "catalyze profound transformation" - 깊은 변화를 촉발시키다
3. "the quest for tranquility" - 평온을 향한 탐색
4. "adopt a conventional lifestyle" - 전통적인 생활 방식을 취하다
5. "yield substantial rewards" - 상당한 보상을 가져오다
6. "risky moves" - 위험한 움직임
7. "staggering profits" - 놀라운 이익
8. "demonstrated potential" - 보여진 잠재력
9. "emulating the FIRE lifestyle" - FIRE 라이프스타일을 모방
10. "encounter criticism" - 비판에 직면하다
제출한 라이팅
It is a common belief that getting a risk is detrimental not only for job but also for individual lives. However, there is a more persuasive arguement that to take risk makes many benefits and it can make a revolution.
On the one hand, it is apparent that people tend to pursue stable and safe life. It can make them feel comfortable and don't need to worry for their future. That's why many people want to get a common employment and follow smiliar life cycle with others. If they don't follow this, they can feel they are so strange and frustrated. So, some people estimate it is very significant part of success.
On the other hand, in my view, if we challenge the norm, then we can learn from that adventure. "High risk can give us high return." It is a famous investing advice. For instance, bank savings are safe but it can give us just 5% annual interest profit. In contrast, investing bitcoin gives us tremendous fortune like 300%, 500% profit even though it is too dangerous. In thesedays, some people quit their job early and become digital nomad or FIRE who retire early and enjoy their life. Despite of other's worries, they feel satisfied with their choice and they can find their special life style and routes for earning money.
In conclude, while some people argue that to take risks have bigger negative side than positive aspects, it is undeniable that it has many merits and can cause real development.
On the one hand, it is apparent that people tend to pursue stable and safe life. It can make them feel comfortable and don't need to worry for their future. That's why many people want to get a common employment and follow smiliar life cycle with others. If they don't follow this, they can feel they are so strange and frustrated. So, some people estimate it is very significant part of success.
On the other hand, in my view, if we challenge the norm, then we can learn from that adventure. "High risk can give us high return." It is a famous investing advice. For instance, bank savings are safe but it can give us just 5% annual interest profit. In contrast, investing bitcoin gives us tremendous fortune like 300%, 500% profit even though it is too dangerous. In thesedays, some people quit their job early and become digital nomad or FIRE who retire early and enjoy their life. Despite of other's worries, they feel satisfied with their choice and they can find their special life style and routes for earning money.
In conclude, while some people argue that to take risks have bigger negative side than positive aspects, it is undeniable that it has many merits and can cause real development.
공유
목록으로 돌아가기 😎
