아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Etc
There are more fathers involved in parenting these days, and many mothers are working. Why has this phenomenon occurred, and is it a positive or negative development?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The essay partially addressed and developed the ideas about the issue. There was a clear position maintained throughout the essay and while it does present sides of an argument, it could benefit from a more explicit discussion on why this phenomenon occurred and whether it is a positive or negative development.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The work is logically organized with a clear structure, but there could be more cohesion between the arguments made.
Lexical Resource: 7
The writer uses a good amount of vocabulary to discuss their ideas and make arguments, demonstrating not only an understanding but also an ability to utilize a range of vocabulary.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 5
The essay includes a reasonable range of structures. However, there are grammatical errors and unusual use of some words and phrases that could sometimes cause some confusion for the reader.
Overall: 6
Overall, the essay has its strengths, particularly in lexical resource, but there are areas where it could improve, particularly in terms of answering each part of the question more thoroughly and correcting grammar issues.
Task Response: 6
The essay partially addressed and developed the ideas about the issue. There was a clear position maintained throughout the essay and while it does present sides of an argument, it could benefit from a more explicit discussion on why this phenomenon occurred and whether it is a positive or negative development.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The work is logically organized with a clear structure, but there could be more cohesion between the arguments made.
Lexical Resource: 7
The writer uses a good amount of vocabulary to discuss their ideas and make arguments, demonstrating not only an understanding but also an ability to utilize a range of vocabulary.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 5
The essay includes a reasonable range of structures. However, there are grammatical errors and unusual use of some words and phrases that could sometimes cause some confusion for the reader.
Overall: 6
Overall, the essay has its strengths, particularly in lexical resource, but there are areas where it could improve, particularly in terms of answering each part of the question more thoroughly and correcting grammar issues.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
There are more fathers involved in parenting these days, and many mothers are working. Why has this phenomenon occurred, and is it a positive or negative development?
Essay:
In contemporary society, it has become increasingly common to find fathers assuming a more active role in childcare, whilst mothers step into the workforce. This development has sparked a significant debate.
Firstly, this shift in traditional roles can be attributed to evolving societal norms and policies. Women today are pursuing higher education at length and are empowered by employment, giving them not only a means of livelihood but also a sense of personal achievement. This trend is also supported by progressive policies such as those in Norway, where fathers are mandated to partake in three months of compulsory parental leave. Such policies promote the understanding that child-rearing is the shared responsibility of both parents and society as a whole.
Secondly, while there are varying opinions as to the benefits of fathers becoming more engaged in childcare, it is posited that the positives outweigh the perceived negatives. Critics may suggest that men lack the caregiving instinct traditionally associated with motherhood, viewing it as a waste of time and talent. However, it can be argued that there are invaluable benefits to be reaped. For instance, this can lead to a stronger familial bond as fathers gain a firsthand understanding of the challenges of parenting. This empathy can serve to deepen their appreciation for their partners, bringing them closer together and consequently, creating a happier and healthier family dynamic.
To conclude, whilst the idea of fathers’ involvement in child-rearing may be deemed controversial by some, it stands to reason that the outcome can potentially lead to a more harmonious and balanced society.
Word count: 243 words.
Essay translated in Korean:
현대 사회에서는 아버지가 아이들을 더욱 적극적으로 돌보는 현상이 증가하고, 엄마들이 경제활동을 하는 것이 더 이상 희한한 일이 아닙니다. 이러한 변화는 주요한 논의를 불러일으키고 있습니다.
첫째로, 전통적인 역할의 이러한 전환은 진화하는 사회적 규범과 정책에 의해 구체화되고 있습니다. 오늘날 여성들은 학력을 향상시키고 고용을 통해 자신들을 강화하며, 이는 그들에게 생계 수단뿐만 아니라 개인적인 성취감을 줍니다. 노르웨이와 같은 진보적인 정책도 이러한 추세를 지지하고 있습니다. 노르웨이에서는 아버지들이 3개월 간의 의무적인 육아휴직을 가져야 합니다. 이러한 정책들은 양육이 두 부모와 사회 전체의 공동 책임임을 이해할 수 있게 해줍니다.
둘째로, 아버지가 보다 활발하게 아동 보호에 참여하는 것의 이점에 대한 의견은 다양하지만, 그것은 긍정적인 효과가 인식된 부정적인 효과를 상쇄한다는 것이 주장 될 수 있습니다. 비평가들은 남성들이 전통적으로 모성과 연관된 보호 본능이 부족하다고 제시할 수 있으며, 이를 시간과 재능 낭비로 볼 수 있습니다. 그러나 여기에서 소중한 이익을 얻을 수 있다는 주장을 할 수 있습니다. 예를 들어, 이는 아버지가 아이 돌보기의 어려움을 직접 체험함으로써 더 강한 가족적 유대를 이룰 수 있게 합니다. 이러한 공감은 그들의 파트너에 대한 감사의 마음을 깊게 함으로써 그들을 더 가깝게 만들수 있고 결국 더 행복하고 건강한 가족 구조를 만들 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 아버지의 양육 참여라는 생각이 일부 사람들에게 논란이 될 수 있지만, 그 결과는 더욱 조화롭고 균형 잡힌 사회를 이끌어 낼 수 있다고 합리적으로 주장할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. assuming a more active role [더 적극적인 역할을 수행하다]
2. pursuing higher education at length [장기간 고등교육을 받다]
3. firsthand understanding [직접적인 이해]
4. familial bond [가족적 유대]
5. harmonious and balanced society [조화롭고 균형 잡힌 사회]
In contemporary society, it has become increasingly common to find fathers assuming a more active role in childcare, whilst mothers step into the workforce. This development has sparked a significant debate.
Firstly, this shift in traditional roles can be attributed to evolving societal norms and policies. Women today are pursuing higher education at length and are empowered by employment, giving them not only a means of livelihood but also a sense of personal achievement. This trend is also supported by progressive policies such as those in Norway, where fathers are mandated to partake in three months of compulsory parental leave. Such policies promote the understanding that child-rearing is the shared responsibility of both parents and society as a whole.
Secondly, while there are varying opinions as to the benefits of fathers becoming more engaged in childcare, it is posited that the positives outweigh the perceived negatives. Critics may suggest that men lack the caregiving instinct traditionally associated with motherhood, viewing it as a waste of time and talent. However, it can be argued that there are invaluable benefits to be reaped. For instance, this can lead to a stronger familial bond as fathers gain a firsthand understanding of the challenges of parenting. This empathy can serve to deepen their appreciation for their partners, bringing them closer together and consequently, creating a happier and healthier family dynamic.
To conclude, whilst the idea of fathers’ involvement in child-rearing may be deemed controversial by some, it stands to reason that the outcome can potentially lead to a more harmonious and balanced society.
Word count: 243 words.
Essay translated in Korean:
현대 사회에서는 아버지가 아이들을 더욱 적극적으로 돌보는 현상이 증가하고, 엄마들이 경제활동을 하는 것이 더 이상 희한한 일이 아닙니다. 이러한 변화는 주요한 논의를 불러일으키고 있습니다.
첫째로, 전통적인 역할의 이러한 전환은 진화하는 사회적 규범과 정책에 의해 구체화되고 있습니다. 오늘날 여성들은 학력을 향상시키고 고용을 통해 자신들을 강화하며, 이는 그들에게 생계 수단뿐만 아니라 개인적인 성취감을 줍니다. 노르웨이와 같은 진보적인 정책도 이러한 추세를 지지하고 있습니다. 노르웨이에서는 아버지들이 3개월 간의 의무적인 육아휴직을 가져야 합니다. 이러한 정책들은 양육이 두 부모와 사회 전체의 공동 책임임을 이해할 수 있게 해줍니다.
둘째로, 아버지가 보다 활발하게 아동 보호에 참여하는 것의 이점에 대한 의견은 다양하지만, 그것은 긍정적인 효과가 인식된 부정적인 효과를 상쇄한다는 것이 주장 될 수 있습니다. 비평가들은 남성들이 전통적으로 모성과 연관된 보호 본능이 부족하다고 제시할 수 있으며, 이를 시간과 재능 낭비로 볼 수 있습니다. 그러나 여기에서 소중한 이익을 얻을 수 있다는 주장을 할 수 있습니다. 예를 들어, 이는 아버지가 아이 돌보기의 어려움을 직접 체험함으로써 더 강한 가족적 유대를 이룰 수 있게 합니다. 이러한 공감은 그들의 파트너에 대한 감사의 마음을 깊게 함으로써 그들을 더 가깝게 만들수 있고 결국 더 행복하고 건강한 가족 구조를 만들 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 아버지의 양육 참여라는 생각이 일부 사람들에게 논란이 될 수 있지만, 그 결과는 더욱 조화롭고 균형 잡힌 사회를 이끌어 낼 수 있다고 합리적으로 주장할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. assuming a more active role [더 적극적인 역할을 수행하다]
2. pursuing higher education at length [장기간 고등교육을 받다]
3. firsthand understanding [직접적인 이해]
4. familial bond [가족적 유대]
5. harmonious and balanced society [조화롭고 균형 잡힌 사회]
제출한 라이팅
In modern era, many fathers are parenting while mothers go to work, which is not too special thesedays. We can examinate this socail phenomenon easily and it is still a controversial issue.
Firstly, theseday many women study longer than before and they get their own job. So, women want to go to work not only for money, but also for a sense of accomplishment even though they have their children. Furthermore, many countries have policies for encouraging father's parenting. Take Norway for example. In Norway, every father should have their baby parenting vacation for 3 months complusory. According to the research, it is proved that this policy helped the family and it can change social perception about parenting. Rearing child is not only by mothers, but also by fathers and all society together.
Secondly, fathers' parenting has both advantages and disadvantages. Some people argue that women are good at parenting and men cannot surpass it. And as father's parenting, some evlauate that it is waste of time and talent. However, I firmly believe that father's parenting has many merits and it outweighs some negative effects.
Actually, fathers' parenting can make the family happier and healtier than before. In fact, it is hard to expect how hard to parenting without their own experience even though they are fathers. As parenting and staying all day long, they sincearly understand the difficulies of it and feel thanks for their wife, too. When they face many difficulties and hardship together, then the parents can be stronger and sticker.
To sum up, while some people agree that father's parenting has many disadvantages, I believe, ultimately, it can make happy family. Moreover, it can make healthy society.
Firstly, theseday many women study longer than before and they get their own job. So, women want to go to work not only for money, but also for a sense of accomplishment even though they have their children. Furthermore, many countries have policies for encouraging father's parenting. Take Norway for example. In Norway, every father should have their baby parenting vacation for 3 months complusory. According to the research, it is proved that this policy helped the family and it can change social perception about parenting. Rearing child is not only by mothers, but also by fathers and all society together.
Secondly, fathers' parenting has both advantages and disadvantages. Some people argue that women are good at parenting and men cannot surpass it. And as father's parenting, some evlauate that it is waste of time and talent. However, I firmly believe that father's parenting has many merits and it outweighs some negative effects.
Actually, fathers' parenting can make the family happier and healtier than before. In fact, it is hard to expect how hard to parenting without their own experience even though they are fathers. As parenting and staying all day long, they sincearly understand the difficulies of it and feel thanks for their wife, too. When they face many difficulties and hardship together, then the parents can be stronger and sticker.
To sum up, while some people agree that father's parenting has many disadvantages, I believe, ultimately, it can make happy family. Moreover, it can make healthy society.
공유
목록으로 돌아가기 😎
