아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Discussion
Some people believe that the personal information of violent criminals should be made available to the public. Others think this information should be protected. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 8
The student clearly understood the task, presented a relevant response, and added their opinion at the end. The answer fully covers the question and supports its argument elaborately. It offers specific details to validate points argued on.
Coherence & Cohesion: 8
The essay is logically organized. The ideas flow with necessary linking devices. There are cohesive elements such as “initially”, “moreover”, and “in summation” to guide the reader and aid in understanding the logical progression of the writer's argument. Each paragraph has a clear focus, as does the entire essay.
Lexical Resource: 7
The writer displays a broad lexical resource with some complex words and phrases. However, there are a few words used inappropriately, such as the phrase 'savage crimes', which may not be fitting, and some sentences perhaps could be expressed in a more natural way in English.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7.5
The writer demonstrates a reasonable range of structures. Plenty of complex sentence structures, including clauses, are used. But occasional errors or small slips, for example the confusion of the use of apostrophe in "criminal’s information", might detract from its overall clarity or fluency.
Overall: 7.5
Task Response: 8
The student clearly understood the task, presented a relevant response, and added their opinion at the end. The answer fully covers the question and supports its argument elaborately. It offers specific details to validate points argued on.
Coherence & Cohesion: 8
The essay is logically organized. The ideas flow with necessary linking devices. There are cohesive elements such as “initially”, “moreover”, and “in summation” to guide the reader and aid in understanding the logical progression of the writer's argument. Each paragraph has a clear focus, as does the entire essay.
Lexical Resource: 7
The writer displays a broad lexical resource with some complex words and phrases. However, there are a few words used inappropriately, such as the phrase 'savage crimes', which may not be fitting, and some sentences perhaps could be expressed in a more natural way in English.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7.5
The writer demonstrates a reasonable range of structures. Plenty of complex sentence structures, including clauses, are used. But occasional errors or small slips, for example the confusion of the use of apostrophe in "criminal’s information", might detract from its overall clarity or fluency.
Overall: 7.5
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some people believe that the personal information of violent criminals should be made available to the public. Others think this information should be protected. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Essay:
The issue of whether personal information of violent criminals should be made public or kept confidential has become a topic of intense debate in recent times. While some argue that safety and prevention could be enhanced by public disclosure, others maintain that even serious criminals have a right to privacy. Personally, I am in favor of limited protection of such information for several reasons.
Firstly, public knowledge about previous offenders can act as a valuable tool in self-guarding for individuals and their families. It is often seen that many criminals are repeat offenders, and making their identities known to the public can deter them from committing further crimes. A typical example can be seen in the case of sexual predators, where studies have shown that the knowledge of offenders living in the vicinity could significantly reduce the risk of becoming a victim.
Secondly, revealing the identities of violent criminals could exert psychological pressure on them to avoid repeating their actions. Since people are essentially social beings, the fear of their misdeeds becoming public knowledge could act as a powerful deterrent. An illustrative example of this is the confession of a man in South Korea who brutally murdered his brother-in-law, admitting that he dreads his family finding out about his atrocious act, thus proving that public shaming can indeed have an impactful effect on criminals.
In conclusion, while the right to privacy is important, in the case of violent criminals, it becomes necessary to reveal their identities for the protection and prevention of society. Limiting protection can safeguard vulnerable populations, pressure the criminals, and ultimately decrease serious crimes.
Word count: 256
Essay translated in Korean:
폭력 범죄자의 개인 정보를 공개하는 것이 대중에게 알려져야하는지 아니면 기밀 유지해야하는지에 대한 문제는 최근에 히트를 치고 있습니다. 일부 사람들은 사실 공개를 통해 안전 및 예방이 향상될 수 있다고 주장하는 반면, 다른 일부는 심각한 범죄자도 개인 정보 보호권이 있다고 주장합니다. 개인적으로 이러한 정보의 보호는 주로 몇 가지 이유로 제한된다고 생각합니다.
우선 대중이 이전의 범죄자에 대한 정보를 알고 있다면 이는 개개인과 그들의 가족이 자신을 지킬 수 있는 소중한 도구가 될 수 있습니다. 많은 범죄자들이 반복적인 범죄자인 것으로 종종 확인되며, 그들의 신원을 대중에게 알리는 것이 추가적인 범죄를 저지하는 데 방해가 될 수 있습니다. 성범죄자의 경우 흔히 보이는 대표적인 예가 있습니다. 연구에 따르면 주변에 범죄자가 살고 있음을 알게 된다면 이는 피해자가 되는 위험을 상당히 줄일 수 있습니다.
둘째로, 폭력 범죄자의 신원을 공개하는 것은 그들이 동일한 행동을 재발하는 것을 피하도록 심리적 압박을 가할 수 있습니다. 사람들이 기본적으로 사회 적인 존재이기 때문에 그들의 잘못된 행동이 대중에게 알려질 두려움이 강력한 억제력이 될 수 있습니다. 이를 예로 들면, 대한민국에서 자신의 매형을 잔혹하게 살해한 남자의 고백이 있습니다. 그는 가족이 그의 무시무시한 행동을 알게 될 것을 두려워했고, 이는 따라서 대중의 모욕이 범죄자에게 실제로 영향을 미칠 수 있다는 것을 증명합니다.
결론적으로, 프라이버시 권리는 중요하지만, 폭력 범죄자의 경우, 사회의 보호와 예방을 위해 그들의 정체를 공개하는 것이 필요해집니다. 보호를 제한함으로써 취약 상황에 있는 사람들을 보호하고 범죄자에게 압박을 가하여 결국 심각한 범죄를 줄일 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. A topic of intense debate - 격렬한 논란의 주제
2. Valuable tool in self-guarding - 자기 방어에 가치 있는 도구
3. Significantly reduce the risk - 위험을 크게 줄이다
4. Powerful deterrent - 강력한 억제력
5. The confession of a man - 한 남자의 고백
6. Public shaming - 대중의 모욕
The issue of whether personal information of violent criminals should be made public or kept confidential has become a topic of intense debate in recent times. While some argue that safety and prevention could be enhanced by public disclosure, others maintain that even serious criminals have a right to privacy. Personally, I am in favor of limited protection of such information for several reasons.
Firstly, public knowledge about previous offenders can act as a valuable tool in self-guarding for individuals and their families. It is often seen that many criminals are repeat offenders, and making their identities known to the public can deter them from committing further crimes. A typical example can be seen in the case of sexual predators, where studies have shown that the knowledge of offenders living in the vicinity could significantly reduce the risk of becoming a victim.
Secondly, revealing the identities of violent criminals could exert psychological pressure on them to avoid repeating their actions. Since people are essentially social beings, the fear of their misdeeds becoming public knowledge could act as a powerful deterrent. An illustrative example of this is the confession of a man in South Korea who brutally murdered his brother-in-law, admitting that he dreads his family finding out about his atrocious act, thus proving that public shaming can indeed have an impactful effect on criminals.
In conclusion, while the right to privacy is important, in the case of violent criminals, it becomes necessary to reveal their identities for the protection and prevention of society. Limiting protection can safeguard vulnerable populations, pressure the criminals, and ultimately decrease serious crimes.
Word count: 256
Essay translated in Korean:
폭력 범죄자의 개인 정보를 공개하는 것이 대중에게 알려져야하는지 아니면 기밀 유지해야하는지에 대한 문제는 최근에 히트를 치고 있습니다. 일부 사람들은 사실 공개를 통해 안전 및 예방이 향상될 수 있다고 주장하는 반면, 다른 일부는 심각한 범죄자도 개인 정보 보호권이 있다고 주장합니다. 개인적으로 이러한 정보의 보호는 주로 몇 가지 이유로 제한된다고 생각합니다.
우선 대중이 이전의 범죄자에 대한 정보를 알고 있다면 이는 개개인과 그들의 가족이 자신을 지킬 수 있는 소중한 도구가 될 수 있습니다. 많은 범죄자들이 반복적인 범죄자인 것으로 종종 확인되며, 그들의 신원을 대중에게 알리는 것이 추가적인 범죄를 저지하는 데 방해가 될 수 있습니다. 성범죄자의 경우 흔히 보이는 대표적인 예가 있습니다. 연구에 따르면 주변에 범죄자가 살고 있음을 알게 된다면 이는 피해자가 되는 위험을 상당히 줄일 수 있습니다.
둘째로, 폭력 범죄자의 신원을 공개하는 것은 그들이 동일한 행동을 재발하는 것을 피하도록 심리적 압박을 가할 수 있습니다. 사람들이 기본적으로 사회 적인 존재이기 때문에 그들의 잘못된 행동이 대중에게 알려질 두려움이 강력한 억제력이 될 수 있습니다. 이를 예로 들면, 대한민국에서 자신의 매형을 잔혹하게 살해한 남자의 고백이 있습니다. 그는 가족이 그의 무시무시한 행동을 알게 될 것을 두려워했고, 이는 따라서 대중의 모욕이 범죄자에게 실제로 영향을 미칠 수 있다는 것을 증명합니다.
결론적으로, 프라이버시 권리는 중요하지만, 폭력 범죄자의 경우, 사회의 보호와 예방을 위해 그들의 정체를 공개하는 것이 필요해집니다. 보호를 제한함으로써 취약 상황에 있는 사람들을 보호하고 범죄자에게 압박을 가하여 결국 심각한 범죄를 줄일 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. A topic of intense debate - 격렬한 논란의 주제
2. Valuable tool in self-guarding - 자기 방어에 가치 있는 도구
3. Significantly reduce the risk - 위험을 크게 줄이다
4. Powerful deterrent - 강력한 억제력
5. The confession of a man - 한 남자의 고백
6. Public shaming - 대중의 모욕
제출한 라이팅
Some months ago, Korean media was blamed by countless citizens because they decided not to reveal an identity of a serial killer. On the contrary to this, some individuals argued that private information for all people must be protected in any situations. In my estimation, the protection of serious criminal’s information should be limited for the following reasons.
Initially, people can protect themselves and their family with this information. In fact, this kind of protection can take opportunities to live safely from citizens. Based on recent studies, numerous teenage girls have been raped by criminals who already have similar criminal records. Therefore, governments take measures to let their neighbors know who have records of savage crimes. This situation is worldwide. The information is an effective tool to prevent the violent criminals like rapists from doing that again.
Moreover, this measure to reveal violent criminal’s information is able to be a powerful tool to restrain that sort of serious crimes. Human beings are social, which has proven by a large number of experts for a long time. One of the facts that violent criminals are extremely afraid of is that their acquaintance and family may know what they have done. According to an interview from a killer who killed his brother-in-law with a brutal way, due to cheating issue in South Korea, he said that he only hoped that his mother and son did not know about his crime. This is not a perfect way. However, it can decrease crimes by giving pressure to persons who might be too violent in certain situations.
In summation, from my perspective, violent criminals’ private information is not required to be protective. This inhibits people and their family from being safe. Furthermore, revealing their information can prevent them from doing crimes. For these reasons, the protection of criminal’s private information is not necessary.
Initially, people can protect themselves and their family with this information. In fact, this kind of protection can take opportunities to live safely from citizens. Based on recent studies, numerous teenage girls have been raped by criminals who already have similar criminal records. Therefore, governments take measures to let their neighbors know who have records of savage crimes. This situation is worldwide. The information is an effective tool to prevent the violent criminals like rapists from doing that again.
Moreover, this measure to reveal violent criminal’s information is able to be a powerful tool to restrain that sort of serious crimes. Human beings are social, which has proven by a large number of experts for a long time. One of the facts that violent criminals are extremely afraid of is that their acquaintance and family may know what they have done. According to an interview from a killer who killed his brother-in-law with a brutal way, due to cheating issue in South Korea, he said that he only hoped that his mother and son did not know about his crime. This is not a perfect way. However, it can decrease crimes by giving pressure to persons who might be too violent in certain situations.
In summation, from my perspective, violent criminals’ private information is not required to be protective. This inhibits people and their family from being safe. Furthermore, revealing their information can prevent them from doing crimes. For these reasons, the protection of criminal’s private information is not necessary.
공유
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