아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Discussion
Some people believe that the personal information of violent criminals should be made available to the public. Others think this information should be protected. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6.5
The essay successfully addresses the task, by discussing both perspectives and giving a personal viewpoint. Arguments are well supported with reasons and examples, although some details could be further elaborated.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay is logically organized with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Transitions mostly help in moving from one idea to another. There are some cohesion issues, however, with some unclear or repetitive statements and transitions might be improved.
Lexical Resource: 7
An adequate range of vocabulary is used. There are a few uncommon and more sophisticated phrases, showing a competent handle of language. Nevertheless, there are a few instances of inappropriate or incorrect word choice.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
A range of complex grammatical structures is used, but there are some errors that make some of the sentences difficult to understand, thus undermining the clarity of the arguments.
Overall: 6.5
The essay fulfills the requirements of the task and presents arguments coherently, albeit with some issues in cohesion and grammar, and minor issues with vocabulary choice. The essay demonstrates an adequate understanding and ability to discuss the given topic.
Task Response: 6.5
The essay successfully addresses the task, by discussing both perspectives and giving a personal viewpoint. Arguments are well supported with reasons and examples, although some details could be further elaborated.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay is logically organized with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Transitions mostly help in moving from one idea to another. There are some cohesion issues, however, with some unclear or repetitive statements and transitions might be improved.
Lexical Resource: 7
An adequate range of vocabulary is used. There are a few uncommon and more sophisticated phrases, showing a competent handle of language. Nevertheless, there are a few instances of inappropriate or incorrect word choice.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
A range of complex grammatical structures is used, but there are some errors that make some of the sentences difficult to understand, thus undermining the clarity of the arguments.
Overall: 6.5
The essay fulfills the requirements of the task and presents arguments coherently, albeit with some issues in cohesion and grammar, and minor issues with vocabulary choice. The essay demonstrates an adequate understanding and ability to discuss the given topic.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some people believe that the personal information of violent criminals should be made available to the public. Others think this information should be protected.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Essay:
The debate over whether the personal information of violent criminals should be publicized or kept confidential remains contentious. My opinion aligns with the notion that such data ought to be accessible by the public, albeit under certain restrictions.
On one hand, opponents argue that the personal information of criminals, violent or otherwise, should be kept confidential. They place significant importance on upholding the law, which categorically protects the privacy of every individual. Indeed, there could be instances where a person is wrongly castigated and sentenced, which could potentially happen due to fallible human judgement. In such a case, publicizing their personal information might lead to unjust societal backlash, thus highlighting the importance of safeguarding personal details.
On the contrary, proponents for making criminals' personal information public emphasize the potential for recidivism. Studies indicate that past criminals sometimes re-offend, thereby posing a public safety risk. They argue that early access to such information can serve as a valuable preventive measure, minimizing chances of victimization. Additionally, knowledge of criminals' whereabouts can significantly reduce societal anxiety and fear.
In conclusion, drawing on both perspectives, while the need to protect personal information is pertinent, the public’s right to safety is paramount. Thus, I believe, provided the right restrictions are in place, that personal information of offenders should selectively be accessible to the public.
Word count: 249
Essay translated in Korean:
불법적인 활동을 한 범인들의 개인 정보를 공개해야하는지 아니면 비공개로 유지해야 하는지는 아직도 논란이 되고있습니다. 나의 의견은 이러한 정보는 일정한 제한 하에 공공에게 접근 가능해야 한다는 것입니다.
한편, 반대하는 사람들은 범죄자들, 심지어는 폭력 범죄자들의 개인 정보를 비밀로 유지 해야한다고 주장합니다. 그들은 모든 개인의 개인 정보 보호를 강조한다. 실제로 잘못된 판결로 비난 받고 실형을 선고 받는 사건이 발생할 수 있습니다. 이와 같은 경우 개인 정보를 공개하면 사회적 반발을 초래할 수 있으므로 개인 정보를 보호하는 것이 중요하다는 것을 보여줍니다.
반면, 범죄자의 개인 정보를 공개해야 한다고 주장하는 사람들은 재범의 가능성을 강조합니다. 연구 결과, 이전 범죄자들이 때때로 재범하는 경향이 있으므로 공공 안전을 위협하게됩니다. 그들은 이러한 정보를 조기에 얻는 것이 중요한 예방 조치가 될 수 있다고 주장합니다. 또한 범인들의 소재를 알고 있으면 사회적인 불안과 두려움을 크게 줄일 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 양면적인 관점에서 보면 개인 정보를 보호하는 필요성이 있지만, 공공의 안전을 위한 권리가 우선합니다. 따라서, 제대로 된 제한 조치가 있을 경우 범인들의 개인 정보는 선택적으로 공공에게 공개되어야 한다고 생각합니다.
Good expressions:
1. remains contentious - 논란이 되고 있다.
2. fallible human judgement - 틀릴 수 있는 사람의 판단
3. a public safety risk - 공공 안전을 위협
4. chances of victimization - 피해를 입을 가능성
5. societal anxiety and fear - 사회적 불안감과 공포
6. the right restrictions are in place - 적절한 제한 조치가 있을 경우
7. selectively be accessible to the public - 선택적으로 공공에게 공개되어야 한다.
The debate over whether the personal information of violent criminals should be publicized or kept confidential remains contentious. My opinion aligns with the notion that such data ought to be accessible by the public, albeit under certain restrictions.
On one hand, opponents argue that the personal information of criminals, violent or otherwise, should be kept confidential. They place significant importance on upholding the law, which categorically protects the privacy of every individual. Indeed, there could be instances where a person is wrongly castigated and sentenced, which could potentially happen due to fallible human judgement. In such a case, publicizing their personal information might lead to unjust societal backlash, thus highlighting the importance of safeguarding personal details.
On the contrary, proponents for making criminals' personal information public emphasize the potential for recidivism. Studies indicate that past criminals sometimes re-offend, thereby posing a public safety risk. They argue that early access to such information can serve as a valuable preventive measure, minimizing chances of victimization. Additionally, knowledge of criminals' whereabouts can significantly reduce societal anxiety and fear.
In conclusion, drawing on both perspectives, while the need to protect personal information is pertinent, the public’s right to safety is paramount. Thus, I believe, provided the right restrictions are in place, that personal information of offenders should selectively be accessible to the public.
Word count: 249
Essay translated in Korean:
불법적인 활동을 한 범인들의 개인 정보를 공개해야하는지 아니면 비공개로 유지해야 하는지는 아직도 논란이 되고있습니다. 나의 의견은 이러한 정보는 일정한 제한 하에 공공에게 접근 가능해야 한다는 것입니다.
한편, 반대하는 사람들은 범죄자들, 심지어는 폭력 범죄자들의 개인 정보를 비밀로 유지 해야한다고 주장합니다. 그들은 모든 개인의 개인 정보 보호를 강조한다. 실제로 잘못된 판결로 비난 받고 실형을 선고 받는 사건이 발생할 수 있습니다. 이와 같은 경우 개인 정보를 공개하면 사회적 반발을 초래할 수 있으므로 개인 정보를 보호하는 것이 중요하다는 것을 보여줍니다.
반면, 범죄자의 개인 정보를 공개해야 한다고 주장하는 사람들은 재범의 가능성을 강조합니다. 연구 결과, 이전 범죄자들이 때때로 재범하는 경향이 있으므로 공공 안전을 위협하게됩니다. 그들은 이러한 정보를 조기에 얻는 것이 중요한 예방 조치가 될 수 있다고 주장합니다. 또한 범인들의 소재를 알고 있으면 사회적인 불안과 두려움을 크게 줄일 수 있습니다.
결론적으로, 양면적인 관점에서 보면 개인 정보를 보호하는 필요성이 있지만, 공공의 안전을 위한 권리가 우선합니다. 따라서, 제대로 된 제한 조치가 있을 경우 범인들의 개인 정보는 선택적으로 공공에게 공개되어야 한다고 생각합니다.
Good expressions:
1. remains contentious - 논란이 되고 있다.
2. fallible human judgement - 틀릴 수 있는 사람의 판단
3. a public safety risk - 공공 안전을 위협
4. chances of victimization - 피해를 입을 가능성
5. societal anxiety and fear - 사회적 불안감과 공포
6. the right restrictions are in place - 적절한 제한 조치가 있을 경우
7. selectively be accessible to the public - 선택적으로 공공에게 공개되어야 한다.
제출한 라이팅
Some people argue that criminals’ personal information should be opened to the public, while others contend that society should protect this information. Both views can be persuasive, but I strongly agree with the former view.
To begin with, since criminals have rights that protected their personal information from society, it should not be made available. Additionally, some problems could occur if governments showed criminals personal information. Firstly, judgement in law could not be a fact. There is a situation that a criminal was framed with wrong judgement, and he spent much time in a prison. Since people sometimes make mistakes, such happen could occur in our society. Thus, personal information should not be opened easily, even if it is an offender’s information.
In other hand, protecting offender’s information is not rational because of the highest recurrence rate. As a research result, it is a higher possibility that offenders do criminal again. Thus, governments should prevent of those situations. If society can find out this information as possible as early, they could prevent themselves quickly. If personal information includes address and location, individuals can move to other areas for prevent be a victim. Additionally, people can get rid of their anxiety. If people do not know about criminal’s information at all, they will stay with anxiety in society due to whenever it occurs. Therefore, personal information of criminals should not be hidden to the public.
In conclusion, while some people believe that protecting criminal’s personal information is crucial, but I believe that governments should open this information for prevent recurrence of criminal.
To begin with, since criminals have rights that protected their personal information from society, it should not be made available. Additionally, some problems could occur if governments showed criminals personal information. Firstly, judgement in law could not be a fact. There is a situation that a criminal was framed with wrong judgement, and he spent much time in a prison. Since people sometimes make mistakes, such happen could occur in our society. Thus, personal information should not be opened easily, even if it is an offender’s information.
In other hand, protecting offender’s information is not rational because of the highest recurrence rate. As a research result, it is a higher possibility that offenders do criminal again. Thus, governments should prevent of those situations. If society can find out this information as possible as early, they could prevent themselves quickly. If personal information includes address and location, individuals can move to other areas for prevent be a victim. Additionally, people can get rid of their anxiety. If people do not know about criminal’s information at all, they will stay with anxiety in society due to whenever it occurs. Therefore, personal information of criminals should not be hidden to the public.
In conclusion, while some people believe that protecting criminal’s personal information is crucial, but I believe that governments should open this information for prevent recurrence of criminal.
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