아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
Many women are in the workforce today, but only a few are in senior positions. What causes this phenomenon?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 7
The essay does address the task effectively, providing reasons for the lack of women in senior positions and proposing solutions. However, the introduction does not explicitly outline the essay's points, and some arguments aren't fully developed.
Coherence & Cohesion: 8
The essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphing and good use of cohesive devices and linking words. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother.
Lexical Resource: 8
The essay uses a good variety of vocabulary and demonstrates an ability to use less common words and phrases. However, there is some awkward word choice and slightly ineffective word usage at times.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and sentence structure. However, there are several minor grammatical errors and awkward constructions which slightly impede understanding.
Overall: 7.5
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, with clear organization and a reasonable range of vocabulary and grammatical structures. However, some improvements could be made in task response, lexical choice, and grammatical accuracy to score higher.
Task Response: 7
The essay does address the task effectively, providing reasons for the lack of women in senior positions and proposing solutions. However, the introduction does not explicitly outline the essay's points, and some arguments aren't fully developed.
Coherence & Cohesion: 8
The essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphing and good use of cohesive devices and linking words. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother.
Lexical Resource: 8
The essay uses a good variety of vocabulary and demonstrates an ability to use less common words and phrases. However, there is some awkward word choice and slightly ineffective word usage at times.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and sentence structure. However, there are several minor grammatical errors and awkward constructions which slightly impede understanding.
Overall: 7.5
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, with clear organization and a reasonable range of vocabulary and grammatical structures. However, some improvements could be made in task response, lexical choice, and grammatical accuracy to score higher.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Many women are in the workforce today, but only a few are in senior positions. What causes this phenomenon?
Essay:
In the modern workforce, women are often underrepresented at the top, an issue rooted in gender inequality. While many women excel in their respective fields, only a small proportion rise to executive positions, illustrating the prevalence of this problem.
One significant cause of female underrepresentation in senior roles is socio-cultural attitudes regarding gender roles. Often, women are pressured to prioritize domestic duties over career progression. For instance, in some cultures, they are expected to cease work when pregnant or married, thereby limiting their professional growth and allowing men to fill the void. Furthermore, men are often presented with more opportunities during women's breaks, which signifies that gender norms and inequalities distribute labor unfairly across the two sexes.
Nevertheless, a potential solution lies in nurturing greater awareness of gender issues, particularly within the workplace. Governments and organizations should take up the mantle to level the playing field, establishing initiatives and policies that foster gender equality. For example, public campaigns promoting women's equal rights and abilities in top positions could be significant. By doing so, the perception of female workers as competitors could be changed into one of colleagues. Ultimately this will help resolve some of the issues related to the underrepresentation of women in senior positions.
In conclusion, addressing these agendas will gradually alter the gender disparity at top management levels, benefitting societies in broader terms.
Word count: 261
Essay translated in Korean:
현대 노동시장에서 여성들은 종종 사회 정상에서 부족한 상황에 처해 있고, 이는 성평등에 뿌리를 둔 문제입니다. 많은 여성들이 각자의 분야에서 뛰어난 성과를 내고 있지만, 그 중 소수만이 경영진으로 올라가는 모습을 볼 수 있습니다.
여성이 선임 역할에서 빠진 주요 원인 중 하나는 성 역할에 대한 사회-문화적 태도입니다. 여성들은 종종 가정의 업무를 직업 발전보다 우선시하는 압력을 받습니다. 예를 들어, 어떤 문화에서는 결혼이나 임신 시 여성들이 일을 중단하도록 기대되어, 그들의 전문적 성장을 제한하고 남성이 그 공백을 채울 수 있게 합니다. 또한 남성들은 여성들의 휴식 기간 동안 더 많은 기회를 얻는 경우가 많아, 성별 규범과 불평등이 두 성 사이의 노동을 불공평하게 분배하는 것을 보여줍니다.
그러나 가능한 해결책은 직장 내에서 성 문제에 대한 이해도를 더욱 높이는 것에 있습니다. 정부와 조직은 평등한 경쟁을 위한 법률과 정책을 수립하고, 성 평등을 촉진하는 이니셔티브를 세우는 책임을 지어야 합니다. 예를 들어, 최고 직위에서 여성의 권리와 능력에 대한 공개 캠페인이 중요할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. "underrepresented at the top" (상위 직급에서 대표성이 부족하다)
2. "prevalence of this problem" (이 문제의 만연성)
3. "level the playing field" (경쟁 환경을 고르게 만들다)
4. "benefitting societies in broader terms" (보다 넓은 의미에서 사회에 이로움을 주다)
In the modern workforce, women are often underrepresented at the top, an issue rooted in gender inequality. While many women excel in their respective fields, only a small proportion rise to executive positions, illustrating the prevalence of this problem.
One significant cause of female underrepresentation in senior roles is socio-cultural attitudes regarding gender roles. Often, women are pressured to prioritize domestic duties over career progression. For instance, in some cultures, they are expected to cease work when pregnant or married, thereby limiting their professional growth and allowing men to fill the void. Furthermore, men are often presented with more opportunities during women's breaks, which signifies that gender norms and inequalities distribute labor unfairly across the two sexes.
Nevertheless, a potential solution lies in nurturing greater awareness of gender issues, particularly within the workplace. Governments and organizations should take up the mantle to level the playing field, establishing initiatives and policies that foster gender equality. For example, public campaigns promoting women's equal rights and abilities in top positions could be significant. By doing so, the perception of female workers as competitors could be changed into one of colleagues. Ultimately this will help resolve some of the issues related to the underrepresentation of women in senior positions.
In conclusion, addressing these agendas will gradually alter the gender disparity at top management levels, benefitting societies in broader terms.
Word count: 261
Essay translated in Korean:
현대 노동시장에서 여성들은 종종 사회 정상에서 부족한 상황에 처해 있고, 이는 성평등에 뿌리를 둔 문제입니다. 많은 여성들이 각자의 분야에서 뛰어난 성과를 내고 있지만, 그 중 소수만이 경영진으로 올라가는 모습을 볼 수 있습니다.
여성이 선임 역할에서 빠진 주요 원인 중 하나는 성 역할에 대한 사회-문화적 태도입니다. 여성들은 종종 가정의 업무를 직업 발전보다 우선시하는 압력을 받습니다. 예를 들어, 어떤 문화에서는 결혼이나 임신 시 여성들이 일을 중단하도록 기대되어, 그들의 전문적 성장을 제한하고 남성이 그 공백을 채울 수 있게 합니다. 또한 남성들은 여성들의 휴식 기간 동안 더 많은 기회를 얻는 경우가 많아, 성별 규범과 불평등이 두 성 사이의 노동을 불공평하게 분배하는 것을 보여줍니다.
그러나 가능한 해결책은 직장 내에서 성 문제에 대한 이해도를 더욱 높이는 것에 있습니다. 정부와 조직은 평등한 경쟁을 위한 법률과 정책을 수립하고, 성 평등을 촉진하는 이니셔티브를 세우는 책임을 지어야 합니다. 예를 들어, 최고 직위에서 여성의 권리와 능력에 대한 공개 캠페인이 중요할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. "underrepresented at the top" (상위 직급에서 대표성이 부족하다)
2. "prevalence of this problem" (이 문제의 만연성)
3. "level the playing field" (경쟁 환경을 고르게 만들다)
4. "benefitting societies in broader terms" (보다 넓은 의미에서 사회에 이로움을 주다)
제출한 라이팅
Even though a lack of women in senior positions has led to complex issues, these problems can be solved if society actively tries to promote awareness about gender issues.
Firstly, it is true that a lack of women in senior positions is caused by gender issues such as the fact that leaders in the office are mostly men. This is because some experts say that women's roles are household chores such as caring for children and housekeeping. In South Korea, for example, many married and pregnant women are stopped from working. Furthermore, men obtain more opportunities during women's breaks. This shows that a lack of working women in senior positions can stem from unequal domestic tasks.
However, to alleviate the prevalent cause of a lack of women in high-level positions, the government should raise awareness among coworkers about equal rights in the workforce regardless of gender. Moreover, encouraging employers to gain knowledge about the importance of fair rights regardless of sex can help to prevent companies from underutilizing female abilities in the workplace. For example, various public campaigns that aim to promote gender equality in top positions could effectively show companies that it is essential to have fair opportunities for all workers. As a result of this innovative method, male workers will begin to consider their female coworkers as colleagues instead of competitors. In addition, this demonstrates that implementing effective campaigns can solve the widespread problem of reducing females in top positions.
In conclusion, society should immediately address the issue of reducing females in senior-level areas in the workplace by creating effective policies that implement solutions that are centered on these factors. Actively addressing the issue of decreasing working women who have high abilities in the workforce in this way will ensure that society's future will gradually improve.
Firstly, it is true that a lack of women in senior positions is caused by gender issues such as the fact that leaders in the office are mostly men. This is because some experts say that women's roles are household chores such as caring for children and housekeeping. In South Korea, for example, many married and pregnant women are stopped from working. Furthermore, men obtain more opportunities during women's breaks. This shows that a lack of working women in senior positions can stem from unequal domestic tasks.
However, to alleviate the prevalent cause of a lack of women in high-level positions, the government should raise awareness among coworkers about equal rights in the workforce regardless of gender. Moreover, encouraging employers to gain knowledge about the importance of fair rights regardless of sex can help to prevent companies from underutilizing female abilities in the workplace. For example, various public campaigns that aim to promote gender equality in top positions could effectively show companies that it is essential to have fair opportunities for all workers. As a result of this innovative method, male workers will begin to consider their female coworkers as colleagues instead of competitors. In addition, this demonstrates that implementing effective campaigns can solve the widespread problem of reducing females in top positions.
In conclusion, society should immediately address the issue of reducing females in senior-level areas in the workplace by creating effective policies that implement solutions that are centered on these factors. Actively addressing the issue of decreasing working women who have high abilities in the workforce in this way will ensure that society's future will gradually improve.
공유
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