아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
Some colleges encourage students to create business while they are still in school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 8
The writer provides an in-depth and appropriate response to the question, developing a well-reasoned argument to support the given stance of prioritizing studies over business. However, examples are not given to fully support the arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion: 8
The essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction and conclusion, and paragraphs that are well-organised and focused on a single idea. However, using better connective words could have improved the cohesion further.
Lexical Resource: 7
A good variety of vocabulary is used with precision, which shows the writer has a solid understanding of the issue. However, some phrases are somewhat repetitive and could have been replaced with a wider range of vocabulary for better impact.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 8
The writer uses a variety of sentence structures and complexity effectively, demonstrating a good level of grammatical control, with only minor errors.
Overall: 7.75
This essay is largely well-written with a clear position and strong supporting arguments. The writer could improve by using more examples to support points and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition.
Task Response: 8
The writer provides an in-depth and appropriate response to the question, developing a well-reasoned argument to support the given stance of prioritizing studies over business. However, examples are not given to fully support the arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion: 8
The essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction and conclusion, and paragraphs that are well-organised and focused on a single idea. However, using better connective words could have improved the cohesion further.
Lexical Resource: 7
A good variety of vocabulary is used with precision, which shows the writer has a solid understanding of the issue. However, some phrases are somewhat repetitive and could have been replaced with a wider range of vocabulary for better impact.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 8
The writer uses a variety of sentence structures and complexity effectively, demonstrating a good level of grammatical control, with only minor errors.
Overall: 7.75
This essay is largely well-written with a clear position and strong supporting arguments. The writer could improve by using more examples to support points and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some colleges encourage students to create business while they are still in school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages
Essay:
Certain educational institutions today encourage students to establish their own business ventures while still in school. While this endeavor carries certain advantages, the disadvantages are arguably more pronounced.
The potential benefits that can be derived from this practice are indeed valuable. Schools that integrate business concepts into their curriculum offer their students a much-needed exposure to real world experiences. Developing entrepreneurial skills at a young age allows students to be better prepared for the professional world, by equipping them with practical knowledge on market trends and economic dynamics. The hands-on experience they acquire can have a substantial impact on their overall readiness for future careers.
However, the downsides of this approach cannot be overlooked. Students are already burdened with intense academic responsibilities. Adding business activities to their already packed schedule might impede their learning progress. The excessive stress resulting from managing both academics and businesses could lead to poor academic performance. Furthermore, it can be argued that there is plenty of time after schooling to learn about business and even implement entrepreneurial ideas.
In a nutshell, the experience gained through setting up a business while in school can be beneficial but ensuring a strong academic foundation should be the primary focus at this stage of life. After all, a solid academic background can significantly contribute to running a successful business in the future.
Word count: 263
Essay translated in Korean:
오늘날의 일부 교육 기관은 학생들에게 학교에서 아직도 자신의 사업을 설립하도록 권장합니다. 이러한 노력에는 일정한 이점이 있지만, 단점이 더욱 두드러질 수 있습니다.
이런 행위에서 얻을 수 있는 잠재적인 이점은 확실히 가치가 있습니다. 사업 개념을 교육과정에 통합하는 학교들은 실세계 경험에 대한 많이 필요한 노출을 학생들에게 제공합니다. 젊은 나이에 창업가 실력을 개발하면 학생들이 전문 세계에 더 잘 준비할 수 있도록 시장 트렌드와 경제 동향에 대한 실용적인 지식을 갖추게 됩니다. 그들이 쌓는 실질적인 경험은 그들의 미래 커리어에 전반적으로 준비도에 상당한 영향을 미칠 수 있습니다.
그러나, 이 접근법의 단점은 무시할 수 없습니다. 학생들은 이미 강도 높은 학문 책임에 직면해 있습니다. 이미 붐비는 그들의 일정에 사업 활동을 추가하는 것은 그들의 학습 진도를 방해할 수 있습니다. 학문적 요구사항과 사업을 동시에 관리하려는 과도한 스트레스는 학업 성적이 저하될 수 있습니다. 게다가, 학교에서의 사업에 대한 학습 이후에도 충분한 시간이 있고, 창업 아이디어를 실시할 수 있다고 주장할 수 있습니다.
간단히 말해서, 학교에서 사업을 설립함으로써 얻는 경험은 유익할 수 있지만, 이 생활 단계에서는 튼튼한 학문적 기반이 주요한 초점이어야 합니다. 결국, 확실한 학문적 배경은 미래에 성공적인 사업을 운영하는데 크게 기여할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. integrate business concepts into their curriculum - 교육과정에 사업 개념을 통합하다
2. a much-needed exposure to real world experiences - 실세계 경험에 대한 많이 필요한 노출
3. impede their learning progress - 그들의 학습 진도를 방해하다
4. excessive stress resulting from managing both - 학문적 요구사항과 사업을 동시에 관리하려는 과도한 스트레스
5. a solid academic background - 확실한 학문적 배경
Certain educational institutions today encourage students to establish their own business ventures while still in school. While this endeavor carries certain advantages, the disadvantages are arguably more pronounced.
The potential benefits that can be derived from this practice are indeed valuable. Schools that integrate business concepts into their curriculum offer their students a much-needed exposure to real world experiences. Developing entrepreneurial skills at a young age allows students to be better prepared for the professional world, by equipping them with practical knowledge on market trends and economic dynamics. The hands-on experience they acquire can have a substantial impact on their overall readiness for future careers.
However, the downsides of this approach cannot be overlooked. Students are already burdened with intense academic responsibilities. Adding business activities to their already packed schedule might impede their learning progress. The excessive stress resulting from managing both academics and businesses could lead to poor academic performance. Furthermore, it can be argued that there is plenty of time after schooling to learn about business and even implement entrepreneurial ideas.
In a nutshell, the experience gained through setting up a business while in school can be beneficial but ensuring a strong academic foundation should be the primary focus at this stage of life. After all, a solid academic background can significantly contribute to running a successful business in the future.
Word count: 263
Essay translated in Korean:
오늘날의 일부 교육 기관은 학생들에게 학교에서 아직도 자신의 사업을 설립하도록 권장합니다. 이러한 노력에는 일정한 이점이 있지만, 단점이 더욱 두드러질 수 있습니다.
이런 행위에서 얻을 수 있는 잠재적인 이점은 확실히 가치가 있습니다. 사업 개념을 교육과정에 통합하는 학교들은 실세계 경험에 대한 많이 필요한 노출을 학생들에게 제공합니다. 젊은 나이에 창업가 실력을 개발하면 학생들이 전문 세계에 더 잘 준비할 수 있도록 시장 트렌드와 경제 동향에 대한 실용적인 지식을 갖추게 됩니다. 그들이 쌓는 실질적인 경험은 그들의 미래 커리어에 전반적으로 준비도에 상당한 영향을 미칠 수 있습니다.
그러나, 이 접근법의 단점은 무시할 수 없습니다. 학생들은 이미 강도 높은 학문 책임에 직면해 있습니다. 이미 붐비는 그들의 일정에 사업 활동을 추가하는 것은 그들의 학습 진도를 방해할 수 있습니다. 학문적 요구사항과 사업을 동시에 관리하려는 과도한 스트레스는 학업 성적이 저하될 수 있습니다. 게다가, 학교에서의 사업에 대한 학습 이후에도 충분한 시간이 있고, 창업 아이디어를 실시할 수 있다고 주장할 수 있습니다.
간단히 말해서, 학교에서 사업을 설립함으로써 얻는 경험은 유익할 수 있지만, 이 생활 단계에서는 튼튼한 학문적 기반이 주요한 초점이어야 합니다. 결국, 확실한 학문적 배경은 미래에 성공적인 사업을 운영하는데 크게 기여할 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. integrate business concepts into their curriculum - 교육과정에 사업 개념을 통합하다
2. a much-needed exposure to real world experiences - 실세계 경험에 대한 많이 필요한 노출
3. impede their learning progress - 그들의 학습 진도를 방해하다
4. excessive stress resulting from managing both - 학문적 요구사항과 사업을 동시에 관리하려는 과도한 스트레스
5. a solid academic background - 확실한 학문적 배경
제출한 라이팅
"It is observed that some colleges and universities attempt to incorporate business into their curriculum. This issue presents persuasive arguments with both merits and demerits, but I believe that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.
To begin with, integrating business into the student experience at colleges helps them gain valuable social and economic experience for their future in society. By gaining this experience early on, students can adapt more quickly to the demands of the workforce. All learning acquired during school serves as the foundation for contributing to society, and by building upon this foundation, students can enhance their skills more rapidly. Therefore, fostering a business-oriented environment is crucial.
On the other hand, students already struggle with numerous tasks such as assignments and additional studies. Consequently, they often lack the time to engage in business activities. Learning about business requires a significant time commitment from students. Since their primary focus should be on learning and studying, they ought to prioritize their academic pursuits over business endeavors. Furthermore, if students do not learn about business in school, it is unlikely to cause significant issues in their lives. Therefore, I believe that students should prioritize their studies over learning about business in school.
In conclusion, while there are merits to gaining early exposure to business concepts, I believe that the most significant priority in school should be dedicated to students' own studies. Acquiring knowledge about business in society can be pursued later, but the opportunity to focus solely on academic pursuits is unique to the school period. Thus, students should be encouraged to prioritize their existing subjects over business studies."
To begin with, integrating business into the student experience at colleges helps them gain valuable social and economic experience for their future in society. By gaining this experience early on, students can adapt more quickly to the demands of the workforce. All learning acquired during school serves as the foundation for contributing to society, and by building upon this foundation, students can enhance their skills more rapidly. Therefore, fostering a business-oriented environment is crucial.
On the other hand, students already struggle with numerous tasks such as assignments and additional studies. Consequently, they often lack the time to engage in business activities. Learning about business requires a significant time commitment from students. Since their primary focus should be on learning and studying, they ought to prioritize their academic pursuits over business endeavors. Furthermore, if students do not learn about business in school, it is unlikely to cause significant issues in their lives. Therefore, I believe that students should prioritize their studies over learning about business in school.
In conclusion, while there are merits to gaining early exposure to business concepts, I believe that the most significant priority in school should be dedicated to students' own studies. Acquiring knowledge about business in society can be pursued later, but the opportunity to focus solely on academic pursuits is unique to the school period. Thus, students should be encouraged to prioritize their existing subjects over business studies."
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