아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
Some colleges encourage students to create business while they are still in school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
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Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The essay responds to the task of discussing the advantages and disadvantages of encouraging students to start businesses while still in school. The argument is led with a clear thesis that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. However, the examples and explanations to support this stance could be more specific and well-developed to fully meet the task requirements.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay displays logical paragraphing and links sentences well using cohesive devices. Notwithstanding, it occasionally exhibits issues with cohesion as some ideas seem to appear without proper linkage to the previous one, causing a few sentences to come off as abrupt.
Lexical Resource: 6
The writer displays a good range of vocabulary; however, there is a tendency to overcomplicate a few sentences and incorrect word usage does occur. This slightly impedes understanding.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 5
There is a fair range of complex sentence structures utilized, but many sentences have errors in grammatical structure and verb tense agreement. These errors often interfere with meaning, indicating a need for more focused grammar study and practice.
Overall: 5.75
The student demonstrates a basic understanding of the task and shows an ability to structure an essay with relevant points. However, accuracy issues in both language and grammar, and at times lack of clarity in the argument, hinder the overall score. The student needs to focus on these areas for improvement. This score is rounded down to the nearest half band, giving an overall band score of 5.5.
Task Response: 6
The essay responds to the task of discussing the advantages and disadvantages of encouraging students to start businesses while still in school. The argument is led with a clear thesis that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. However, the examples and explanations to support this stance could be more specific and well-developed to fully meet the task requirements.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6
The essay displays logical paragraphing and links sentences well using cohesive devices. Notwithstanding, it occasionally exhibits issues with cohesion as some ideas seem to appear without proper linkage to the previous one, causing a few sentences to come off as abrupt.
Lexical Resource: 6
The writer displays a good range of vocabulary; however, there is a tendency to overcomplicate a few sentences and incorrect word usage does occur. This slightly impedes understanding.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 5
There is a fair range of complex sentence structures utilized, but many sentences have errors in grammatical structure and verb tense agreement. These errors often interfere with meaning, indicating a need for more focused grammar study and practice.
Overall: 5.75
The student demonstrates a basic understanding of the task and shows an ability to structure an essay with relevant points. However, accuracy issues in both language and grammar, and at times lack of clarity in the argument, hinder the overall score. The student needs to focus on these areas for improvement. This score is rounded down to the nearest half band, giving an overall band score of 5.5.
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Some colleges encourage students to create business while they are still in school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Essay:
Some higher learning institutions presently stimulate the students to set up businesses while still pursuing education. This practice brings with it both pros and cons, but in my viewpoint, the disadvantages often outweigh the advantages.
To begin, the prime benefit of initiating a business at an early stage is the experiential learning it avails. It provides an opportunity for students to weather commercial challenges, consequently priming them for future careers. This business acumen, coupled with the theoretical knowledge obtained in college, can be a stepping stone, allowing them to readily acclimatize to the professional world. Indeed, having a functional business exposure in school offers a cornerstone for the students' eventual transition into the job sector.
However, it is essential to bear in mind the immense pressure it could put on students. Most students grapple with the daunting academic workload, leaving them with little or no time to spare for business. Given that studying is their main priority, it is natural for them to devote more energy to it. Moreover, the absence of business learning in a school setting wouldn't necessarily such a predicament, as it is not a vital element of an individual's life. Therefore, it would be more practical for them to focus mainly on their studies rather than split their attention between academics and business.
In conclusion, fostering a business environment in schools has merits, but it often infringes upon the primary objective of obtaining a sound education. This focus on academics should be championed and not compromised for secondary pursuits like business.
Word count: 260 words
Essay translated in Korean:
일부 고등 교육기관들은 현재 학생들이 교육을 계속 받으면서 사업을 설립하도록 자극하고 있습니다. 이런 실천은 장단점을 모두 가지고 있지만, 제 견해로는 보통 단점이 장점을 상회합니다.
첫째로, 초기 단계에서 사업을 시작하는 것의 주요 이익은 그것이 제공하는 경험적 학습입니다. 이는 학생들에게 상업적인 도전을 견디는 기회를 제공하며, 그들을 차후의 직업을 위해 대비시킵니다. 이런 비즈니스 지능은 대학에서 얻은 이론적 지식과 결합할 때, 그들이 전문 세계에 쉽게 적응할 수 있도록 보조 수단이 될 수 있습니다. 실제로 학교에서 실질적인 비즈니스 노출을 갖는 것은 학생들이 직업 섹터로 옮겨가는데 필수적인 토대를 제공합니다.
그러나, 그것이 학생들에게 가할 수 있는 엄청난 압력을 기억해야 합니다. 대부분의 학생들은 두려운 학업 부담에 허덕이며, 이로 인해 비즈니스를 위한 시간을 남기기 힘듭니다. 그들의 주요 우선사항이 공부이기 때문에, 그들이 그것에 더 많은 에너지를 투자하는 것은 자연스러웠습니다. 더욱이, 학교 환경에서 비즈니스 학습의 결여는 반드시 그런 곤란한 상황을 초래하지는 않겠습니다, 왜냐하면 그것은 개인의 삶에 있어 필수 요소가 아니기 때문입니다. 따라서, 그들이 학문과 비즈니스 사이에서 주의력을 나누는 것이 아니라 주로 그들의 공부에 집중하는 것이 더 현실적일 것입니다.
결론적으로, 학교에서 비즈니스 환경을 조성하는 것이 장점을 가지고 있지만, 그것은 자주 사운드 교육을 획득하는 주요 목표를 침해합니다. 이러한 학문에 대한 집중은 옹호되어야 하며 비즈니스와 같은 2차 추구를 위해 타협되어서는 안됩니다.
Good expressions:
1. weather commercial challenges - 상업적인 도전을 견디다
2. stepping stone - 발판
3. acclimatize to the professional world - 전문 세계에 적응하다
4. grapple with the daunting academic workload - 두려운 학업 부담에 허덕이다
5. split their attention - 주의력을 나누다
6. infringed upon the primary objective - 주요 목표를 침해하다
7. championed and not compromised - 옹호되어야 하며 타협되어서는 안됩니다
Some higher learning institutions presently stimulate the students to set up businesses while still pursuing education. This practice brings with it both pros and cons, but in my viewpoint, the disadvantages often outweigh the advantages.
To begin, the prime benefit of initiating a business at an early stage is the experiential learning it avails. It provides an opportunity for students to weather commercial challenges, consequently priming them for future careers. This business acumen, coupled with the theoretical knowledge obtained in college, can be a stepping stone, allowing them to readily acclimatize to the professional world. Indeed, having a functional business exposure in school offers a cornerstone for the students' eventual transition into the job sector.
However, it is essential to bear in mind the immense pressure it could put on students. Most students grapple with the daunting academic workload, leaving them with little or no time to spare for business. Given that studying is their main priority, it is natural for them to devote more energy to it. Moreover, the absence of business learning in a school setting wouldn't necessarily such a predicament, as it is not a vital element of an individual's life. Therefore, it would be more practical for them to focus mainly on their studies rather than split their attention between academics and business.
In conclusion, fostering a business environment in schools has merits, but it often infringes upon the primary objective of obtaining a sound education. This focus on academics should be championed and not compromised for secondary pursuits like business.
Word count: 260 words
Essay translated in Korean:
일부 고등 교육기관들은 현재 학생들이 교육을 계속 받으면서 사업을 설립하도록 자극하고 있습니다. 이런 실천은 장단점을 모두 가지고 있지만, 제 견해로는 보통 단점이 장점을 상회합니다.
첫째로, 초기 단계에서 사업을 시작하는 것의 주요 이익은 그것이 제공하는 경험적 학습입니다. 이는 학생들에게 상업적인 도전을 견디는 기회를 제공하며, 그들을 차후의 직업을 위해 대비시킵니다. 이런 비즈니스 지능은 대학에서 얻은 이론적 지식과 결합할 때, 그들이 전문 세계에 쉽게 적응할 수 있도록 보조 수단이 될 수 있습니다. 실제로 학교에서 실질적인 비즈니스 노출을 갖는 것은 학생들이 직업 섹터로 옮겨가는데 필수적인 토대를 제공합니다.
그러나, 그것이 학생들에게 가할 수 있는 엄청난 압력을 기억해야 합니다. 대부분의 학생들은 두려운 학업 부담에 허덕이며, 이로 인해 비즈니스를 위한 시간을 남기기 힘듭니다. 그들의 주요 우선사항이 공부이기 때문에, 그들이 그것에 더 많은 에너지를 투자하는 것은 자연스러웠습니다. 더욱이, 학교 환경에서 비즈니스 학습의 결여는 반드시 그런 곤란한 상황을 초래하지는 않겠습니다, 왜냐하면 그것은 개인의 삶에 있어 필수 요소가 아니기 때문입니다. 따라서, 그들이 학문과 비즈니스 사이에서 주의력을 나누는 것이 아니라 주로 그들의 공부에 집중하는 것이 더 현실적일 것입니다.
결론적으로, 학교에서 비즈니스 환경을 조성하는 것이 장점을 가지고 있지만, 그것은 자주 사운드 교육을 획득하는 주요 목표를 침해합니다. 이러한 학문에 대한 집중은 옹호되어야 하며 비즈니스와 같은 2차 추구를 위해 타협되어서는 안됩니다.
Good expressions:
1. weather commercial challenges - 상업적인 도전을 견디다
2. stepping stone - 발판
3. acclimatize to the professional world - 전문 세계에 적응하다
4. grapple with the daunting academic workload - 두려운 학업 부담에 허덕이다
5. split their attention - 주의력을 나누다
6. infringed upon the primary objective - 주요 목표를 침해하다
7. championed and not compromised - 옹호되어야 하며 타협되어서는 안됩니다
제출한 라이팅
It is observed that some colleges and universities try to make a business in school. This issue is persuasive argument that have merits and demerits, but I believe that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.
To begin with, creating business for students while study in colleges helps them to experience socially and economically for the future society. To experience this in advance, students can adjust more quickly than they did not experience in school. All learning progresses from school are the basis of working to society, and based on learning school, students can improve their qualities more quickly. For these reasons, fostering business environment is one of the crucial factors.
On the other hand, students have struggled with a lot of tasks such as assignments and extra study. Thus, they do not have much time to spend on business. Learning business programs should be spent massive time by students. Since, priority of students is the learning and studying, they should concentrate on study than business. Additionally, if they do not learn business in school, there will not occur problems because it is not a significant factor in people’s lives. Thus, I believe that focusing on their own study must be efficiently than learning business in school.
In conclusion, there are some merits to learn and acquire about business in advance, but I believe that the most significant one in school is that spending time their own study. Since acquiring business knowledge in society is not late, their own study can be applied only the school period. Thus, students should be encouraged to study the existing subjects than the business.
To begin with, creating business for students while study in colleges helps them to experience socially and economically for the future society. To experience this in advance, students can adjust more quickly than they did not experience in school. All learning progresses from school are the basis of working to society, and based on learning school, students can improve their qualities more quickly. For these reasons, fostering business environment is one of the crucial factors.
On the other hand, students have struggled with a lot of tasks such as assignments and extra study. Thus, they do not have much time to spend on business. Learning business programs should be spent massive time by students. Since, priority of students is the learning and studying, they should concentrate on study than business. Additionally, if they do not learn business in school, there will not occur problems because it is not a significant factor in people’s lives. Thus, I believe that focusing on their own study must be efficiently than learning business in school.
In conclusion, there are some merits to learn and acquire about business in advance, but I believe that the most significant one in school is that spending time their own study. Since acquiring business knowledge in society is not late, their own study can be applied only the school period. Thus, students should be encouraged to study the existing subjects than the business.
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