아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Problem and Solution
Many young people today know more about international pop and movie stars than about famous people in the history in their country. Why is this? What can be done to increase their interest?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: [7]
The student attempts to cover all parts of the task, explains each side of the argument, and provides clear reasons for his/her argument. The conclusion is also in line with the student's opinion. However, the task question asks for the reasons why young people are disinterested in their country's history, but the student only vaguely outlines that international pop stars and entertainment have a bigger influence. The reasons could have been stated more explicitly.
Coherence & Cohesion: [7]
The arguments are well organized and sequenced with suitable paragraphing. The use of cohesive devices is observed, but could be improved with further variety and precision.
Lexical Resource: [7.5]
The student displays a good range of vocabulary and uses less common words and phrases. Nonetheless, there are some issues related to the correct use of certain words and phrases, such as 'rise interest', 'internation', 'multifaced', and 'main stream young people'.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [7]
There are no errors that hinder communication and a variety of structures have been used accurately. However, further attention to grammatical precision and correction of minor errors, like using singular 'person' instead of plural 'persons', could have improved the score.
Overall: [7.5]
Task Response: [7]
The student attempts to cover all parts of the task, explains each side of the argument, and provides clear reasons for his/her argument. The conclusion is also in line with the student's opinion. However, the task question asks for the reasons why young people are disinterested in their country's history, but the student only vaguely outlines that international pop stars and entertainment have a bigger influence. The reasons could have been stated more explicitly.
Coherence & Cohesion: [7]
The arguments are well organized and sequenced with suitable paragraphing. The use of cohesive devices is observed, but could be improved with further variety and precision.
Lexical Resource: [7.5]
The student displays a good range of vocabulary and uses less common words and phrases. Nonetheless, there are some issues related to the correct use of certain words and phrases, such as 'rise interest', 'internation', 'multifaced', and 'main stream young people'.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: [7]
There are no errors that hinder communication and a variety of structures have been used accurately. However, further attention to grammatical precision and correction of minor errors, like using singular 'person' instead of plural 'persons', could have improved the score.
Overall: [7.5]
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Many young people today know more about international pop and movie stars than about famous people in the history in their country. Why is this? What can be done to increase their interest?
Essay:
In recent times, there has been a noticeable shift in interest of young individuals from famous historical personalities in their country to international pop and movie celebrities. This change, largely attributed to various factors, has sparked important discussions to explore ways to reignite young people's interest in historical figures.
The increasing obsession with international pop and movie stars amongst the youth primarily stems from the widespread access to entertainment mediums. With platforms like Netflix and YouTube, young people have unlimited access to global entertainment, effectively leading them to become more engaged with international celebrities. The influence such celebrities exert over young people’s minds is undeniable. For instance, they tend to listen to their favorite pop stars often, exemplifying the impact these stars have on their lives. Such obsession, although considered natural due to the shift in media consumption trends, can overshadow the significance of knowing about personalities who've shaped their nation's history.
However, learning about historical figures is crucial, as it provides individuals with context about their country's past. Consequently, innovative strategies are required to pique young people's interest in these figures. Governments should consider investing heavily in creative educational methods, such as producing movies based on historical events or making comic books rich with historical content. These approaches would ensure that learning history is not seen as monotonous or dull, but equally enticing and engaging.
In conclusion, while the interest in global pop and movie stars among youth is understandable, efforts need to be directed towards cultivating a strong appreciation for national historical figures through engaging educational methods.
Word count: 260
Essay translated in Korean: 최근에는 젊은 사람들이 자국의 역사적 인물들에서 국제 팝과 영화 스타에 대한 관심을 돌리는 변화가 두드러지게 되었습니다. 이런 변화는 여러 가지 요인들로 인해 주로 발생하며, 역사적 인물들에 대한 젊은이들의 관심을 다시 불러일으키는 방법을 탐구하는 중요한 토론의 재료가 되었습니다.
넷플릭스와 유튜브와 같은 플랫폼으로 모든 사람들이 글로벌 엔터테인먼트에 무제한으로 접근할 수 있게 됨에 따라, 젊은 사람들이 국제 셀러리티에 더 많이 참여하게 되었습니다. 이런 셀럽들이 젊은이들의 마음에 미치는 영향은 부인할 수 없습니다.
Good expressions:
1. Noticeable shift - 두드러지는 변화
2. Widespread access - 무제한 접근
3. Equally enticing and engaging - 동등하게 매혹적이고 참여하고 싶게 만드는
4. Cultivating a strong appreciation - 강한 감사의식을 기르다
In recent times, there has been a noticeable shift in interest of young individuals from famous historical personalities in their country to international pop and movie celebrities. This change, largely attributed to various factors, has sparked important discussions to explore ways to reignite young people's interest in historical figures.
The increasing obsession with international pop and movie stars amongst the youth primarily stems from the widespread access to entertainment mediums. With platforms like Netflix and YouTube, young people have unlimited access to global entertainment, effectively leading them to become more engaged with international celebrities. The influence such celebrities exert over young people’s minds is undeniable. For instance, they tend to listen to their favorite pop stars often, exemplifying the impact these stars have on their lives. Such obsession, although considered natural due to the shift in media consumption trends, can overshadow the significance of knowing about personalities who've shaped their nation's history.
However, learning about historical figures is crucial, as it provides individuals with context about their country's past. Consequently, innovative strategies are required to pique young people's interest in these figures. Governments should consider investing heavily in creative educational methods, such as producing movies based on historical events or making comic books rich with historical content. These approaches would ensure that learning history is not seen as monotonous or dull, but equally enticing and engaging.
In conclusion, while the interest in global pop and movie stars among youth is understandable, efforts need to be directed towards cultivating a strong appreciation for national historical figures through engaging educational methods.
Word count: 260
Essay translated in Korean: 최근에는 젊은 사람들이 자국의 역사적 인물들에서 국제 팝과 영화 스타에 대한 관심을 돌리는 변화가 두드러지게 되었습니다. 이런 변화는 여러 가지 요인들로 인해 주로 발생하며, 역사적 인물들에 대한 젊은이들의 관심을 다시 불러일으키는 방법을 탐구하는 중요한 토론의 재료가 되었습니다.
넷플릭스와 유튜브와 같은 플랫폼으로 모든 사람들이 글로벌 엔터테인먼트에 무제한으로 접근할 수 있게 됨에 따라, 젊은 사람들이 국제 셀러리티에 더 많이 참여하게 되었습니다. 이런 셀럽들이 젊은이들의 마음에 미치는 영향은 부인할 수 없습니다.
Good expressions:
1. Noticeable shift - 두드러지는 변화
2. Widespread access - 무제한 접근
3. Equally enticing and engaging - 동등하게 매혹적이고 참여하고 싶게 만드는
4. Cultivating a strong appreciation - 강한 감사의식을 기르다
제출한 라이팅
Young people have been more interested in internation pop and movie stars than in famous persons in the history of their country. I contend that while the importance of the history does not decrease, some factors contribute this issue to some extent. This essay will examine compelling reasons and relevant ways to increase the interest in famous persons in the history of their country.
The rise interest in international pop and movies among young people has great relation with their life characters. One of the main reasons for this belief is that young people who are mindful of the entertainment tend to follow internation pop and movies stars, which means the influence of stars is bigger than we expected. For example, young people listen to their music wherever they go and they can watch movies more easily than before with a diverse range of methods such as Netflix and Youtube. This shift in their life has brought them to approach the entertainment without any restrictions. Therefore, it seems that showing this trend could be natural among majority of young people.
However, while the interest in the entertainment can be a main stream young people, this should not affect the attention to the history of their country. It is undeniable fact that the history is one of the most important knowledge of the country, as a citizen. The government has to focus more on the innovative education methods, bringing about interest among young people. We can make some movies, which may help young people understand the history interestingly. Also, the comic books full of historical contents will be an alternative to those people, who tend to get bored with text books. Therefore, to change this lifestyle among young people, a multifaced approach encompassing various attractive factors is essential to make them have interest in famous people in the history of their country. This requires more investments in the approachable channels to convey dull but essential learning especially among young people.
In conclusion, while increasing interest in pop and movie stars may boost the energy of young people, it is imperative to adopt a comprehensive strategy to foster attraction of young people to the famous people in history with exciting methods.
The rise interest in international pop and movies among young people has great relation with their life characters. One of the main reasons for this belief is that young people who are mindful of the entertainment tend to follow internation pop and movies stars, which means the influence of stars is bigger than we expected. For example, young people listen to their music wherever they go and they can watch movies more easily than before with a diverse range of methods such as Netflix and Youtube. This shift in their life has brought them to approach the entertainment without any restrictions. Therefore, it seems that showing this trend could be natural among majority of young people.
However, while the interest in the entertainment can be a main stream young people, this should not affect the attention to the history of their country. It is undeniable fact that the history is one of the most important knowledge of the country, as a citizen. The government has to focus more on the innovative education methods, bringing about interest among young people. We can make some movies, which may help young people understand the history interestingly. Also, the comic books full of historical contents will be an alternative to those people, who tend to get bored with text books. Therefore, to change this lifestyle among young people, a multifaced approach encompassing various attractive factors is essential to make them have interest in famous people in the history of their country. This requires more investments in the approachable channels to convey dull but essential learning especially among young people.
In conclusion, while increasing interest in pop and movie stars may boost the energy of young people, it is imperative to adopt a comprehensive strategy to foster attraction of young people to the famous people in history with exciting methods.
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