아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Discussion
Some believe that all individuals who break the law should be placed in prison as a form of punishment. However, others hold the view that there are more effective alternatives to deal with lawbreakers.
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The student has discussed both views presented in the prompt and provided a personal opinion. However, the approach to dealing with the question could be balanced better. The analysis of each point of view is uneven, with less focus and argument development on the 'alternatives to prison' perspective.
Coherence & Cohesion: 5
The essay has a clear structure: introduction, two opposing viewpoints, and a conclusion. However, the argument development is uneven, and there are instances of confusing sentence constructions that disrupt the flow of ideas.
Lexical Resource: 6
The student uses a reasonable range of vocabulary but with some inaccuracies, such as the repeated misspelling of "criminals". They can work on their precision in language expression.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 5
Although the essay utilizes a mix of simple and complex sentences, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward constructions. For instance, phrases like 'criminners' community' and 'huge mount of public taxes' are incorrect and disrupt the reader’s comprehension.
Overall: 5.5
The student has demonstrated a fair understanding of the task, but the inconsistencies in coherence & cohesion and grammatical accuracy have impacted the overall score. To improve the score, the student is advised to be more careful with their grammar and vocabulary, and make sure all arguments are evenly developed.
Task Response: 6
The student has discussed both views presented in the prompt and provided a personal opinion. However, the approach to dealing with the question could be balanced better. The analysis of each point of view is uneven, with less focus and argument development on the 'alternatives to prison' perspective.
Coherence & Cohesion: 5
The essay has a clear structure: introduction, two opposing viewpoints, and a conclusion. However, the argument development is uneven, and there are instances of confusing sentence constructions that disrupt the flow of ideas.
Lexical Resource: 6
The student uses a reasonable range of vocabulary but with some inaccuracies, such as the repeated misspelling of "criminals". They can work on their precision in language expression.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 5
Although the essay utilizes a mix of simple and complex sentences, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward constructions. For instance, phrases like 'criminners' community' and 'huge mount of public taxes' are incorrect and disrupt the reader’s comprehension.
Overall: 5.5
The student has demonstrated a fair understanding of the task, but the inconsistencies in coherence & cohesion and grammatical accuracy have impacted the overall score. To improve the score, the student is advised to be more careful with their grammar and vocabulary, and make sure all arguments are evenly developed.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Some believe that all individuals who break the law should be placed in prison as a form of punishment. However, others hold the view that there are more effective alternatives to deal with lawbreakers.
Essay:
The wisdom of confining all law offenders in prison has sparked fervent debates in recent times. Although critics argue for alternative measures, I am of the belief that sending lawbreakers to jail stands as the best deterrent.
Prison, as a method of correction, has its flaws. People violating the law, when confined in the same space, can, inevitably, exchange crime strategies, exacerbating the overall crime rate upon their release. This was brought to light by a crime expert, who affirmed that criminal collaborations within prisons increased the crime rate significantly after their release. Furthermore, maintaining a prison facility necessitates considerable public funds, leading to public dissatisfaction. The potential for the imprisonment of incorrectly accused individuals is another issue that deserves attention.
Nevertheless, I maintain that imprisoning criminals is vital for public safety. The imposition of such stern consequences serves as a strong warning, acting as a deterrence that would reduce the probability of further criminal behavior. Moreover, the potential for rehabilitation inside the prison system is substantial. Such programs not only facilitate the reintroduction of these individuals into society, but also inhibit repeated offenses. A potent illustration of this is the extraordinary success of a rehabilitation baking program in Korea, which had a profound influence on the mindsets of offenders.
In conclusion, although the discussion surrounding the effectiveness of alternative punishment strategies is ongoing, I firmly believe that all law transgressors should endure prison sentences as a mode of retribution.
Word count: 263
Essay translated in Korean:
범죄를 저지른 모든 사람들을 감옥에 가두는 것에 대한 지혜는 최근에 뜨거운 토론을 불러 일으켰습니다. 비평가들은 대체책을 주장하지만, 저는 범죄자들을 감옥에 보내는 것이 가장 좋은 금지 물라고 믿고 있습니다.
사형제는 단정벌법의 방법임에도 불구하고 결점이 있습니다. 법을 어기는 사람들이 같은 공간에서 고립되면 범죄 전략을 널리 퍼트려 엄중한 범죄율을 증가시킬 수 있습니다. 이것은 범죄 전문가에게 발각되었으며, 그는 감옥 내부의 범죄 협력이 감소 후 범죄율을 크게 증가시켰다고 확인했습니다. 또한, 감옥 시설을 유지하기 위해서는 상당한 공공자금이 필요하며, 이로 인해 대중의 불만이 일어나게 됩니다. 잘못 기소된 개인이 감옥에 가두어져야하는 문제는 다른 주목할 만한 문제입니다.
그럼에도 불구하고, 저는 범죄자를 감옥에 가두는 것이 공공 안전을 위해 필수적이라고 주장합니다. 이러한 엄격한 결과의 부과는 강력한 경고 역할을 하는 동시에, 범죄 행동을 줄일 가능성을 제시합니다. 게다가, 감옥 시스템 내에서 재활의 가능성은 상당합니다. 이러한 프로그램들은 이들 개인들을 사회로 재통합시키는데 도움을 주는 데 더해, 재범을 억제합니다. 이에 대한 강력한 사례는, 한국의 재활 베이킹 프로그램의 놀라운 성공이며, 이는 범죄자의 사고방식에 큰 영향을 미쳤습니다.
결론적으로, 대체 처벌 전략의 효과성을 둘러싼 토론은 지속되고 있지만, 법을 어긴 모든 사람들이 처벌의 일종으로 감옥의 문을 넘어서야한다고 확신하고 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. The wisdom of confining all law offenders in prison - 범죄를 저지른 모든 사람들을 감옥에 가두는 것에 대한 지혜
2. I am of the belief that - 저는 ...라고 믿습니다
3. potential for rehabilitation inside the prison system - 감옥 시스템 내에서의 재활의 가능성
4. endure prison sentences as a mode of retribution - 처벌의 일종으로 감옥형을 감내하다
5. brought to light - 발각되었다
6. exacerbating the overall crime rate - 전체적인 범죄율을 악화시키다
7. public dissatisfaction - 대중의 불만
8. facilitate the reintroduction of these individuals into society - 이들 개인들을 사회로 재통합시키는 데 도움을 주다
9. profound influence on the mindsets - 사고방식에 큰 영향을 미치다
10. extraordinary success - 놀라운 성공
The wisdom of confining all law offenders in prison has sparked fervent debates in recent times. Although critics argue for alternative measures, I am of the belief that sending lawbreakers to jail stands as the best deterrent.
Prison, as a method of correction, has its flaws. People violating the law, when confined in the same space, can, inevitably, exchange crime strategies, exacerbating the overall crime rate upon their release. This was brought to light by a crime expert, who affirmed that criminal collaborations within prisons increased the crime rate significantly after their release. Furthermore, maintaining a prison facility necessitates considerable public funds, leading to public dissatisfaction. The potential for the imprisonment of incorrectly accused individuals is another issue that deserves attention.
Nevertheless, I maintain that imprisoning criminals is vital for public safety. The imposition of such stern consequences serves as a strong warning, acting as a deterrence that would reduce the probability of further criminal behavior. Moreover, the potential for rehabilitation inside the prison system is substantial. Such programs not only facilitate the reintroduction of these individuals into society, but also inhibit repeated offenses. A potent illustration of this is the extraordinary success of a rehabilitation baking program in Korea, which had a profound influence on the mindsets of offenders.
In conclusion, although the discussion surrounding the effectiveness of alternative punishment strategies is ongoing, I firmly believe that all law transgressors should endure prison sentences as a mode of retribution.
Word count: 263
Essay translated in Korean:
범죄를 저지른 모든 사람들을 감옥에 가두는 것에 대한 지혜는 최근에 뜨거운 토론을 불러 일으켰습니다. 비평가들은 대체책을 주장하지만, 저는 범죄자들을 감옥에 보내는 것이 가장 좋은 금지 물라고 믿고 있습니다.
사형제는 단정벌법의 방법임에도 불구하고 결점이 있습니다. 법을 어기는 사람들이 같은 공간에서 고립되면 범죄 전략을 널리 퍼트려 엄중한 범죄율을 증가시킬 수 있습니다. 이것은 범죄 전문가에게 발각되었으며, 그는 감옥 내부의 범죄 협력이 감소 후 범죄율을 크게 증가시켰다고 확인했습니다. 또한, 감옥 시설을 유지하기 위해서는 상당한 공공자금이 필요하며, 이로 인해 대중의 불만이 일어나게 됩니다. 잘못 기소된 개인이 감옥에 가두어져야하는 문제는 다른 주목할 만한 문제입니다.
그럼에도 불구하고, 저는 범죄자를 감옥에 가두는 것이 공공 안전을 위해 필수적이라고 주장합니다. 이러한 엄격한 결과의 부과는 강력한 경고 역할을 하는 동시에, 범죄 행동을 줄일 가능성을 제시합니다. 게다가, 감옥 시스템 내에서 재활의 가능성은 상당합니다. 이러한 프로그램들은 이들 개인들을 사회로 재통합시키는데 도움을 주는 데 더해, 재범을 억제합니다. 이에 대한 강력한 사례는, 한국의 재활 베이킹 프로그램의 놀라운 성공이며, 이는 범죄자의 사고방식에 큰 영향을 미쳤습니다.
결론적으로, 대체 처벌 전략의 효과성을 둘러싼 토론은 지속되고 있지만, 법을 어긴 모든 사람들이 처벌의 일종으로 감옥의 문을 넘어서야한다고 확신하고 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. The wisdom of confining all law offenders in prison - 범죄를 저지른 모든 사람들을 감옥에 가두는 것에 대한 지혜
2. I am of the belief that - 저는 ...라고 믿습니다
3. potential for rehabilitation inside the prison system - 감옥 시스템 내에서의 재활의 가능성
4. endure prison sentences as a mode of retribution - 처벌의 일종으로 감옥형을 감내하다
5. brought to light - 발각되었다
6. exacerbating the overall crime rate - 전체적인 범죄율을 악화시키다
7. public dissatisfaction - 대중의 불만
8. facilitate the reintroduction of these individuals into society - 이들 개인들을 사회로 재통합시키는 데 도움을 주다
9. profound influence on the mindsets - 사고방식에 큰 영향을 미치다
10. extraordinary success - 놀라운 성공
제출한 라이팅
In recent years, there have been a lot of controversies regarding people who commit crimes against the law should be locked in prison as a punishment. While some people argue that there are other possible solutions for criminners, I would believe that the most effective way to deal with criminners is to go to prison.
On the one hand, there are many disadvantages about prison when individuals are placed in prison. To begin with, the prison can be a place of criminners’ community, as all lawbreakers are put together and it is possible that they share about method of crime. For example, according to the crime specialist, the percentage of crime dramatically rose after offenders who make a team in the prison release together. Second, to maintain prison facility, huge mount of public taxes are used and citizens complain about this expenditure. Finally, it is possible that innocent person can be put into prison as a victim.
On the other hand, I think criminners should be put and locked in prison for community’s safety. The example of cases that all criminners go to prison can be a warning, and crime rate would decrease. Otherwise, lawbreakers consider that they would not go to the prison even though they commit bad behaviour which results in increasing crime rate and threat citizens’ safety. Moreover, rehabilitation can be positive solution that helps lawbreakers to reintegrate into social community by doing not offend crime again. For example, consider the success of rehabilitation’s baking program in Korea, which serves as a compelling example of the positive impact of changing on criminners’ mind.
In conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for and against there are possible better way to deal with criminners, but I believe that all lawbreakers have to go to prison as a punishment.
On the one hand, there are many disadvantages about prison when individuals are placed in prison. To begin with, the prison can be a place of criminners’ community, as all lawbreakers are put together and it is possible that they share about method of crime. For example, according to the crime specialist, the percentage of crime dramatically rose after offenders who make a team in the prison release together. Second, to maintain prison facility, huge mount of public taxes are used and citizens complain about this expenditure. Finally, it is possible that innocent person can be put into prison as a victim.
On the other hand, I think criminners should be put and locked in prison for community’s safety. The example of cases that all criminners go to prison can be a warning, and crime rate would decrease. Otherwise, lawbreakers consider that they would not go to the prison even though they commit bad behaviour which results in increasing crime rate and threat citizens’ safety. Moreover, rehabilitation can be positive solution that helps lawbreakers to reintegrate into social community by doing not offend crime again. For example, consider the success of rehabilitation’s baking program in Korea, which serves as a compelling example of the positive impact of changing on criminners’ mind.
In conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for and against there are possible better way to deal with criminners, but I believe that all lawbreakers have to go to prison as a punishment.
공유
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