아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all societies, and some suggest that children should learn them at school. Do you think art and music still have a place in today’s modern world of technology?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 7.5
The student has addressed the task well by introducing the topic, presenting both sides of the argument, and clearly stating his point of view. He also supported his argument with a reasonable example. There could have been a more solid argument for music's relevance, but the essay addresses the task well overall.
Coherence & Cohedence: 7.5
The essay is logically organized, linking ideas appropriately. Paragraphs are well defined and connected to each other following a clear line of thought. The conclusion is well written and summarizes the main points argued in the essay.
Lexical Resource: 8
The student has used a diverse and effective range of vocabulary. Some complex words and phrases are used correctly and add nuance to the argument. However, there's minor room for improvement and precision.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
The student demonstrates a good grammatical range and generally accurate usage. While there are a few mistakes, they don't impede understanding.
Overall: 7.5
The essay has addressed the task effectively, is well organised, and uses a good range of lexical resources and varied sentence structures. There are some errors, but they do not impede understanding. The argument could have been more balanced if music was focused on in more detail.
Task Response: 7.5
The student has addressed the task well by introducing the topic, presenting both sides of the argument, and clearly stating his point of view. He also supported his argument with a reasonable example. There could have been a more solid argument for music's relevance, but the essay addresses the task well overall.
Coherence & Cohedence: 7.5
The essay is logically organized, linking ideas appropriately. Paragraphs are well defined and connected to each other following a clear line of thought. The conclusion is well written and summarizes the main points argued in the essay.
Lexical Resource: 8
The student has used a diverse and effective range of vocabulary. Some complex words and phrases are used correctly and add nuance to the argument. However, there's minor room for improvement and precision.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7
The student demonstrates a good grammatical range and generally accurate usage. While there are a few mistakes, they don't impede understanding.
Overall: 7.5
The essay has addressed the task effectively, is well organised, and uses a good range of lexical resources and varied sentence structures. There are some errors, but they do not impede understanding. The argument could have been more balanced if music was focused on in more detail.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all societies, and some suggest that children should learn them at school.
Do you think art and music still have a place in today’s modern world of technology?
Essay:
The debate surrounding the relevance of art and music in an increasingly technological society warrants exploration. While some argue for the dwindling value of these art forms, I contend that they maintain a vital spot in our evolving world.
A school of thought posits that the importance of art and music has diminished since their prime several centuries ago, thus rendering it unnecessary for children to study them. Proponents of this view suggest that these disciplines have been overshadowed by more practical fields like mathematics, economics and engineering, which provide clear career paths and better earning potential. This notion is further supported by the preference of most students to major in these fields when entering university.
Nevertheless, the critical importance of art and music in contemporary society cannot be overemphasized. Even though these subjects may not yield massive financial gains, they contribute immensely to the human experience and foster a balanced perspective on life. Notable thinkers and experts have expressed concern about the rise of materialism and underline the need for a revival of appreciation for art to counteract this. Indeed, engaging with arts and music is said to cultivate empathy, broaden understanding, and promote well-being, potentially reducing the surge in materialistic tendencies and the resultant crime rates.
In conclusion, despite the growing predisposition towards utilitarian subjects, it is crucial that the intrinsic value of arts and music is recognized, reiterating their important role in society and necessitating their inclusion in school curriculums.
Word count: 262
Essay translated in Korean:
기술이 발달하는 사회에서 예술과 음악의 관련성에 대한 논쟁은 탐험이 필요합니다. 이러한 예술 형태의 가치가 줄어들었다는 일부의 주장에 반해, 저는 그들이 우리의 발전하는 세상에서 중요한 위치를 유지하고 있다고 주장합니다.
어떤 이들은 예술과 음악의 중요성이 수 세기 전의 절정기 이후로 감소하여, 아이들이 공부할 필요가 없다고 보고 있습니다. 이런 생각을 가진 사람들은 이러한 학문 분야가 수학, 경제, 공학과 같은 더 실용적인 분야에 빼앗겼다고 말합니다. 이러한 주장은 대부분의 학생들이 대학 입학시 이런 분야를 전공하는 것을 선호함으로써 더욱 지지받고 있습니다.
그러나, 현대 사회에서 예술과 음악의 중요성은 과장할 수 없습니다. 이러한 주제들이 큰 금융적 이익을 가져다주지 않을 수 있지만, 그들은 인간의 경험에 크게 기여하고 인생에 대한 균형 잡힌 시각을 촉진합니다. 저명한 생각가와 전문가들은 물질주의의 상승에 대해 우려를 표하고 이를 대응하기 위해 예술에 대한 감상을 부활시킬 필요성을 밑줄로 그어왔습니다. 실제로, 예술과 음악에 참여하는 것은 공감을 키우고, 이해를 넓히며, 삶의 질을 높이는 것으로 알려져 있습니다.
결론적으로, 실용성 지향적인 과목에 대한 성향이 증가하고 있음에도 불구하고, 예술과 음악의 본질적 가치를 인식하는 것이 중요하며, 그들이 사회에서 중요한 역할을 하고 있음을 재확인하고 학교 커리큘럼에 포함시키는 것이 필요합니다.
Good expressions:
1. "warrants exploration" - 탐험이 필요합니다
2. "maintain a vital spot" - 중요한 위치를 유지하다
3. "foster a balanced perspective" - 균형 잡힌 시각을 촉진하다
4. "rise of materialism" - 물질주의의 상승
5. "reiterating their important role" - 그들이 중요한 역할을 하는 것을 재확인하다
The debate surrounding the relevance of art and music in an increasingly technological society warrants exploration. While some argue for the dwindling value of these art forms, I contend that they maintain a vital spot in our evolving world.
A school of thought posits that the importance of art and music has diminished since their prime several centuries ago, thus rendering it unnecessary for children to study them. Proponents of this view suggest that these disciplines have been overshadowed by more practical fields like mathematics, economics and engineering, which provide clear career paths and better earning potential. This notion is further supported by the preference of most students to major in these fields when entering university.
Nevertheless, the critical importance of art and music in contemporary society cannot be overemphasized. Even though these subjects may not yield massive financial gains, they contribute immensely to the human experience and foster a balanced perspective on life. Notable thinkers and experts have expressed concern about the rise of materialism and underline the need for a revival of appreciation for art to counteract this. Indeed, engaging with arts and music is said to cultivate empathy, broaden understanding, and promote well-being, potentially reducing the surge in materialistic tendencies and the resultant crime rates.
In conclusion, despite the growing predisposition towards utilitarian subjects, it is crucial that the intrinsic value of arts and music is recognized, reiterating their important role in society and necessitating their inclusion in school curriculums.
Word count: 262
Essay translated in Korean:
기술이 발달하는 사회에서 예술과 음악의 관련성에 대한 논쟁은 탐험이 필요합니다. 이러한 예술 형태의 가치가 줄어들었다는 일부의 주장에 반해, 저는 그들이 우리의 발전하는 세상에서 중요한 위치를 유지하고 있다고 주장합니다.
어떤 이들은 예술과 음악의 중요성이 수 세기 전의 절정기 이후로 감소하여, 아이들이 공부할 필요가 없다고 보고 있습니다. 이런 생각을 가진 사람들은 이러한 학문 분야가 수학, 경제, 공학과 같은 더 실용적인 분야에 빼앗겼다고 말합니다. 이러한 주장은 대부분의 학생들이 대학 입학시 이런 분야를 전공하는 것을 선호함으로써 더욱 지지받고 있습니다.
그러나, 현대 사회에서 예술과 음악의 중요성은 과장할 수 없습니다. 이러한 주제들이 큰 금융적 이익을 가져다주지 않을 수 있지만, 그들은 인간의 경험에 크게 기여하고 인생에 대한 균형 잡힌 시각을 촉진합니다. 저명한 생각가와 전문가들은 물질주의의 상승에 대해 우려를 표하고 이를 대응하기 위해 예술에 대한 감상을 부활시킬 필요성을 밑줄로 그어왔습니다. 실제로, 예술과 음악에 참여하는 것은 공감을 키우고, 이해를 넓히며, 삶의 질을 높이는 것으로 알려져 있습니다.
결론적으로, 실용성 지향적인 과목에 대한 성향이 증가하고 있음에도 불구하고, 예술과 음악의 본질적 가치를 인식하는 것이 중요하며, 그들이 사회에서 중요한 역할을 하고 있음을 재확인하고 학교 커리큘럼에 포함시키는 것이 필요합니다.
Good expressions:
1. "warrants exploration" - 탐험이 필요합니다
2. "maintain a vital spot" - 중요한 위치를 유지하다
3. "foster a balanced perspective" - 균형 잡힌 시각을 촉진하다
4. "rise of materialism" - 물질주의의 상승
5. "reiterating their important role" - 그들이 중요한 역할을 하는 것을 재확인하다
제출한 라이팅
When it comes to the value of art and music, there is a growing debate over whether these are playing an important role in the modern world of technology. Although some people think that art and music lost its value so that children do not have to spend time learning them at school, I believe that it still has a place in modern society.
There is an opinion that art and music used to be essential elements in our life several hundreds years ago but not anymore, it has lost its value in modern society. They think the children have to learn more valuable ones such as maths, economics and engineering which are useful to make money and more feasible in the real world. Indeed, most teenagers prefer engineering and economics to liberal arts when they choose their major in University.
However, I believe that art is still a fundamental element of modern society. Nowadays, people tend to underestimate the value of arts and music as it is not the best choice to make huge money. But I think that without thinking and understanding about the arts, humans cannot live properly. For example, some renowned scholars are wary of the spread of materialism as most people ignore the value of the art. They argue that materialism could lead to the increase of crime so we should reestablish our values by appreciating the arts to exit from materialism
For the reasons mentioned above, I would argue that art and music are still playing a fundamental role in modern society and children have to spend their time learning them in school.
There is an opinion that art and music used to be essential elements in our life several hundreds years ago but not anymore, it has lost its value in modern society. They think the children have to learn more valuable ones such as maths, economics and engineering which are useful to make money and more feasible in the real world. Indeed, most teenagers prefer engineering and economics to liberal arts when they choose their major in University.
However, I believe that art is still a fundamental element of modern society. Nowadays, people tend to underestimate the value of arts and music as it is not the best choice to make huge money. But I think that without thinking and understanding about the arts, humans cannot live properly. For example, some renowned scholars are wary of the spread of materialism as most people ignore the value of the art. They argue that materialism could lead to the increase of crime so we should reestablish our values by appreciating the arts to exit from materialism
For the reasons mentioned above, I would argue that art and music are still playing a fundamental role in modern society and children have to spend their time learning them in school.
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