아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Opinion
In many countries today, both men and women need to work full time. Therefore, some people think men and women should share household task equally (e.g. cleaning and looking after children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 6
The writer's position is clear throughout the essay: they agree that men and women should share household tasks. They also discuss the role of government in addressing this issue. However, despite referencing some examples, there is minimal development of main ideas, and the conclusion could have better summarized the main points of the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6.5
The essay structure is logical with clear paragraphing and appropriate use of connectives ('however', 'for instance', 'furthermore'). But a few ideas seem disjointed and poorly connected, which can confuse the reader, particularly in paragraph two where it starts discussing the role of the government without a clear transition from the previous idea.
Lexical Resource: 7
The writer shows a good command of vocabulary, with a fair mix of complex words ('prevalent causes', 'implementing effective campaigns') and common words. There are some cases of words used inaccuractly, such as 'that gender’s household tasks should be different.'
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
While a variety of sentence structures is used, there are several grammar mistakes that impact the clarity of the writing. At times, sentence construction is awkward, such as 'young couples who make money over 8 hours at offices.'
Overall: 6.5
The writer has an understanding of the task and is able to provide a coherent argument throughout but needs to work on exploring ideas more thoroughly, improving the flow of ideas, and correcting grammar errors.
Task Response: 6
The writer's position is clear throughout the essay: they agree that men and women should share household tasks. They also discuss the role of government in addressing this issue. However, despite referencing some examples, there is minimal development of main ideas, and the conclusion could have better summarized the main points of the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion: 6.5
The essay structure is logical with clear paragraphing and appropriate use of connectives ('however', 'for instance', 'furthermore'). But a few ideas seem disjointed and poorly connected, which can confuse the reader, particularly in paragraph two where it starts discussing the role of the government without a clear transition from the previous idea.
Lexical Resource: 7
The writer shows a good command of vocabulary, with a fair mix of complex words ('prevalent causes', 'implementing effective campaigns') and common words. There are some cases of words used inaccuractly, such as 'that gender’s household tasks should be different.'
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
While a variety of sentence structures is used, there are several grammar mistakes that impact the clarity of the writing. At times, sentence construction is awkward, such as 'young couples who make money over 8 hours at offices.'
Overall: 6.5
The writer has an understanding of the task and is able to provide a coherent argument throughout but needs to work on exploring ideas more thoroughly, improving the flow of ideas, and correcting grammar errors.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
In many countries today, both men and women need to work full time. Therefore, some people think men and women should share household task equally (e.g. cleaning and looking after children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Essay:
The topic of men and women sharing household tasks equally has become a subject of debate amidst the current realities of our societies in which both genders primarily work full time. While some advocate for gender-based division of tasks, I am of the firm belief that joint responsibility can promote harmony and understanding.
Firstly, it is instrumental that both men and women share household duties as it fosters a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility considering they labor equally at their respective workplaces. This trend is particularly noticeable in countries like South Korea, where young couples toil over 8 hours daily at their jobs and consequently share domestic chores from a practical standpoint. This shared approach allows both partners to maintain equilibrium between their professional and domestic lives.
Nevertheless, effective government initiatives play a pivotal role in bridging the disjoint between the genders in terms of household responsibilities. A strategy could include running public campaigns to enlighten males about gender equality, thereby positively influencing their views on sharing domestic tasks. A well-organized campaign can effectively illustrate the importance of balanced household roles, eventually encouraging men to see the value in gender equity.
In conclusion, the equal division of household tasks between men and women is critical against the backdrop of a society where both genders work and strive for their family. Government interventions endorsing equality and understanding can help solve the societal issue of household task division imbalance.
Word count: 250
Essay translated in Korean:
우리 사회에서 남성과 여성이 모두 가정의 임무를 동등하게 나눠야하는 주제가 현재 남녀가 모두 전업으로 일하는 현실을 통해 논쟁 주제가 되었습니다. 일부는 성별 기반 업무 분담을 주장하지만 저는 공동의 책임이 조화와 이해를 촉진할 수 있다고 확신합니다.
첫째로, 남성과 여성이 가정의 임무를 공유하는 것이 팀워크와 공유의 기식을 불어넣는데 중요하다고 생각합니다. 이 트렌드는 특히 한국과 같은 국가에서 젊은 커플이 하루에 8 시간 이상 일하고 결과적으로 가정의 출장을 공유하는 것을 볼 수 있습니다. 이 공유 접근 방식을 통해 양성이 모두 직업생활과 가정생활 사이의 균형을 유지할 수 있습니다.
그러나 효과적인 정부 개입이 가정의 책임에서 성별간 분열을 연결하는 데 중추적인 역할을 합니다. 전략에는 공공 캠페인을 개설하여 남성에게 성평등에 대해 교육하고, 따라서 가정의 임무를 공유하는 데 대한 생각에 긍정적인 영향을 끼치는 것이 포함될 수 있습니다. 잘 조직 된 캠페인을 통해 균형 잡힌 가정 역할의 중요성을 효과적으로 보여줄 수 있으며, 결국 남성이 성평등의 가치를 인식하게 될 것입니다.
결론적으로, 남성과 여성 간의 가정의 임무를 동등하게 나누는 것은 모든 성별이 가족을 위해 노력하고 노력하는 사회를 배경으로 핵심입니다. 평등과 이해를 지지하는 정부 개입은 가정의 임무 분배 불균형의 사회문제를 해결하는 데 도움이 될 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. labor equally - 동등하게 노동하다
2. government initiatives - 정부의 새로운 계획
3. public campaigns - 공공 캠페인
4. shared responsibility - 공유된 책임
5. joint responsibility - 공동의 책임
6. gender equity - 성별 평등
7. societal issue - 사회 문제
8. household task division - 가정 임무 분할
9. gender-based division of tasks - 성별 기반 업무 분담
10. shared approach - 공유 접근 방식
The topic of men and women sharing household tasks equally has become a subject of debate amidst the current realities of our societies in which both genders primarily work full time. While some advocate for gender-based division of tasks, I am of the firm belief that joint responsibility can promote harmony and understanding.
Firstly, it is instrumental that both men and women share household duties as it fosters a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility considering they labor equally at their respective workplaces. This trend is particularly noticeable in countries like South Korea, where young couples toil over 8 hours daily at their jobs and consequently share domestic chores from a practical standpoint. This shared approach allows both partners to maintain equilibrium between their professional and domestic lives.
Nevertheless, effective government initiatives play a pivotal role in bridging the disjoint between the genders in terms of household responsibilities. A strategy could include running public campaigns to enlighten males about gender equality, thereby positively influencing their views on sharing domestic tasks. A well-organized campaign can effectively illustrate the importance of balanced household roles, eventually encouraging men to see the value in gender equity.
In conclusion, the equal division of household tasks between men and women is critical against the backdrop of a society where both genders work and strive for their family. Government interventions endorsing equality and understanding can help solve the societal issue of household task division imbalance.
Word count: 250
Essay translated in Korean:
우리 사회에서 남성과 여성이 모두 가정의 임무를 동등하게 나눠야하는 주제가 현재 남녀가 모두 전업으로 일하는 현실을 통해 논쟁 주제가 되었습니다. 일부는 성별 기반 업무 분담을 주장하지만 저는 공동의 책임이 조화와 이해를 촉진할 수 있다고 확신합니다.
첫째로, 남성과 여성이 가정의 임무를 공유하는 것이 팀워크와 공유의 기식을 불어넣는데 중요하다고 생각합니다. 이 트렌드는 특히 한국과 같은 국가에서 젊은 커플이 하루에 8 시간 이상 일하고 결과적으로 가정의 출장을 공유하는 것을 볼 수 있습니다. 이 공유 접근 방식을 통해 양성이 모두 직업생활과 가정생활 사이의 균형을 유지할 수 있습니다.
그러나 효과적인 정부 개입이 가정의 책임에서 성별간 분열을 연결하는 데 중추적인 역할을 합니다. 전략에는 공공 캠페인을 개설하여 남성에게 성평등에 대해 교육하고, 따라서 가정의 임무를 공유하는 데 대한 생각에 긍정적인 영향을 끼치는 것이 포함될 수 있습니다. 잘 조직 된 캠페인을 통해 균형 잡힌 가정 역할의 중요성을 효과적으로 보여줄 수 있으며, 결국 남성이 성평등의 가치를 인식하게 될 것입니다.
결론적으로, 남성과 여성 간의 가정의 임무를 동등하게 나누는 것은 모든 성별이 가족을 위해 노력하고 노력하는 사회를 배경으로 핵심입니다. 평등과 이해를 지지하는 정부 개입은 가정의 임무 분배 불균형의 사회문제를 해결하는 데 도움이 될 수 있습니다.
Good expressions:
1. labor equally - 동등하게 노동하다
2. government initiatives - 정부의 새로운 계획
3. public campaigns - 공공 캠페인
4. shared responsibility - 공유된 책임
5. joint responsibility - 공동의 책임
6. gender equity - 성별 평등
7. societal issue - 사회 문제
8. household task division - 가정 임무 분할
9. gender-based division of tasks - 성별 기반 업무 분담
10. shared approach - 공유 접근 방식
제출한 라이팅
It is generally acknowledged whether men and women should share household tasks equally or not is a source of social issues. Concerning some people, that gender’s household tasks should be different. I agree with this view as I believe there are also other viable solutions to address this problem.
To begin with, both men and women should share equal household tasks. This is because they work full-time for their family regardless of their sex. In South Korea, for instance, young couples who make money over 8 hours at offices. Furthermore, they have no choice but to do household chores together due to the fact that they do not have enough time to stay at home.
However, to alleviate the prevalent causes of unequal household tasks, the government should promote awareness among the public about gender issues. To be specific, encouraging males to think positively about gender can help to prevent women from spending more time on household tasks. For example, various public campaigns that aim at the same status of sex could effectively show men that it is essential to obtain equal household tasks. As a result of this innovative method, males will begin to consider equal household tasks. This demonstrates that implementing effective campaigns can solve the widespread problem of unequal household tasks.
In conclusion, society should immediately deal with the issue of unequal household tasks by creating effective policies that implement solutions that are centered on factors. Actively handling the issue of equal household tasks in this way will ensure that society’s future will gradually improve.
To begin with, both men and women should share equal household tasks. This is because they work full-time for their family regardless of their sex. In South Korea, for instance, young couples who make money over 8 hours at offices. Furthermore, they have no choice but to do household chores together due to the fact that they do not have enough time to stay at home.
However, to alleviate the prevalent causes of unequal household tasks, the government should promote awareness among the public about gender issues. To be specific, encouraging males to think positively about gender can help to prevent women from spending more time on household tasks. For example, various public campaigns that aim at the same status of sex could effectively show men that it is essential to obtain equal household tasks. As a result of this innovative method, males will begin to consider equal household tasks. This demonstrates that implementing effective campaigns can solve the widespread problem of unequal household tasks.
In conclusion, society should immediately deal with the issue of unequal household tasks by creating effective policies that implement solutions that are centered on factors. Actively handling the issue of equal household tasks in this way will ensure that society’s future will gradually improve.
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