아이엘츠 라이팅 AI 첨삭
- Problem and Solution
Children these days spend a lot of time apart from their parents because in many homes, both parents work. What problems can be caused by this? What are some ways to support such children?
스코어팩토리 AI가 에세이를 평가하였습니다.
Evaluation
Task Response: 7 - The essay addresses the given task prompt and presents relevant arguments and examples. It discusses the problems caused by parents working and suggests ways to support children in such situations.
Coherence & Cohesion: 7 - The essay is well-organized and has a clear overall structure. The ideas are logically presented and linked together using appropriate cohesive devices. Paragraphs are well-developed and connected.
Lexical Resource: 7 - The vocabulary used in the essay is varied and appropriate. There are some less common words and phrases used, demonstrating a good range of vocabulary. Some collocations and idiomatic expressions are also used effectively.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7 - The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar with minimal errors. There are accurate sentence structures, and a range of grammatical structures including complex sentences and conditional sentences are used.
Overall: 7 - The essay demonstrates an overall high level of competence in both task achievement and language use. The ideas are effectively conveyed, and the essay is well-structured and cohesive. The vocabulary and grammar used are appropriate and accurate. Therefore, the overall band score for this essay would be 7.
Task Response: 7 - The essay addresses the given task prompt and presents relevant arguments and examples. It discusses the problems caused by parents working and suggests ways to support children in such situations.
Coherence & Cohesion: 7 - The essay is well-organized and has a clear overall structure. The ideas are logically presented and linked together using appropriate cohesive devices. Paragraphs are well-developed and connected.
Lexical Resource: 7 - The vocabulary used in the essay is varied and appropriate. There are some less common words and phrases used, demonstrating a good range of vocabulary. Some collocations and idiomatic expressions are also used effectively.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 7 - The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar with minimal errors. There are accurate sentence structures, and a range of grammatical structures including complex sentences and conditional sentences are used.
Overall: 7 - The essay demonstrates an overall high level of competence in both task achievement and language use. The ideas are effectively conveyed, and the essay is well-structured and cohesive. The vocabulary and grammar used are appropriate and accurate. Therefore, the overall band score for this essay would be 7.
스코어팩토리 AI가 작성한 모범답안입니다.
Children these days spend a lot of time apart from their parents because in many homes, both parents work.
What problems can be caused by this?
What are some ways to support such children?
Essay:
In today's society, it has become increasingly common for both parents to work, resulting in children spending a significant amount of time apart from their parents. This situation can lead to various issues that affect children's emotional development and overall well-being. However, there are several ways in which these children can be supported, both by workplaces and government agencies.
One of the problems caused by parents working is that children often become exhausted due to spending more time outdoors. School curriculums and activities are designed to cater to the average attention span and energy levels of students. However, when children engage in additional extracurricular activities, such as learning musical instruments, language courses, and sports, it can lead to fatigue and a lack of time for relaxation. For instance, research shows that children with both working parents often have to postpone meals and return home late in the evening, resulting in a restless schedule.
Nevertheless, there are ways in which the society can help such families. Firstly, companies can assist parents by allowing them to work remotely, providing them with the opportunity to spend more time with their children. The recent Covid-19 pandemic has shown that remote work options can be beneficial, allowing employees to enjoy more quality time with their families. Additionally, government agencies can support parents by offering financial incentives for taking parental leaves. For example, in Korea, the government has increased the budget to encourage parents to take parental leaves, providing them with double the amount of financial support compared to before. This initiative has received positive feedback, as many parents are now more willing to prioritize spending time with their children over financial concerns.
In conclusion, the current situation of both parents working often results in children lacking sufficient rest and engaging in numerous afterschool activities. To address this issue, it is important for governments and companies to recognize the problem and take steps to support these families through social services and employee benefits. By doing so, we can ensure the well-being and healthy development of children in modern society.
Word count: 257
Good expressions:
1. In recent times (요즘), detrimental impacts (해로운 영향), emotional growth (정서적 성장), overall well-being (전반적인 안녕), break through the difficulties (어려움을 극복하다), workplaces (직장), government agencies (정부 기관)
2. To start with (먼저), fatigue (피로), organized and planned (조직화되고 계획된), consideration (고려), concentration (집중력), strength (체력), further institutions (추가기관), lack relaxation (휴식이 부족하다), exhausted (지친), afterschool activities (방과 후 활동), musical instruments (악기), language courses (외국어 강의), sports (운동), postpone (연기하다), sufficiently (충분히), late dinner (늦은 저녁 식사), restless schedule (편안하지 못한 일정), fill in the vacancy (공백을 채우다), come home (집에 오다)
3. Nevertheless (그럼에도 불구하고), society’s careful consideration (사회적인 고려), support (지원하다), remotely (원격으로), prime example (대표적인 예), Covid-19 pandemic (코로나 19 팬데믹), feeling more comfortable (보다 편안함을 느끼다), government agencies (정부 기관), parental leaves (육아 휴가), financially (재정적으로), low birth rate (저출산), interest (관심), financial stability (재정적 안정), significant role (중요한 역할), both parents working (양부모가 일하는)
4. In conclusion (마지막으로), evident (분명한), acknowledge (인정하다), contributors (기여자), social services (사회적 서비스), company well-fares (기업 복지)
In today's society, it has become increasingly common for both parents to work, resulting in children spending a significant amount of time apart from their parents. This situation can lead to various issues that affect children's emotional development and overall well-being. However, there are several ways in which these children can be supported, both by workplaces and government agencies.
One of the problems caused by parents working is that children often become exhausted due to spending more time outdoors. School curriculums and activities are designed to cater to the average attention span and energy levels of students. However, when children engage in additional extracurricular activities, such as learning musical instruments, language courses, and sports, it can lead to fatigue and a lack of time for relaxation. For instance, research shows that children with both working parents often have to postpone meals and return home late in the evening, resulting in a restless schedule.
Nevertheless, there are ways in which the society can help such families. Firstly, companies can assist parents by allowing them to work remotely, providing them with the opportunity to spend more time with their children. The recent Covid-19 pandemic has shown that remote work options can be beneficial, allowing employees to enjoy more quality time with their families. Additionally, government agencies can support parents by offering financial incentives for taking parental leaves. For example, in Korea, the government has increased the budget to encourage parents to take parental leaves, providing them with double the amount of financial support compared to before. This initiative has received positive feedback, as many parents are now more willing to prioritize spending time with their children over financial concerns.
In conclusion, the current situation of both parents working often results in children lacking sufficient rest and engaging in numerous afterschool activities. To address this issue, it is important for governments and companies to recognize the problem and take steps to support these families through social services and employee benefits. By doing so, we can ensure the well-being and healthy development of children in modern society.
Word count: 257
Good expressions:
1. In recent times (요즘), detrimental impacts (해로운 영향), emotional growth (정서적 성장), overall well-being (전반적인 안녕), break through the difficulties (어려움을 극복하다), workplaces (직장), government agencies (정부 기관)
2. To start with (먼저), fatigue (피로), organized and planned (조직화되고 계획된), consideration (고려), concentration (집중력), strength (체력), further institutions (추가기관), lack relaxation (휴식이 부족하다), exhausted (지친), afterschool activities (방과 후 활동), musical instruments (악기), language courses (외국어 강의), sports (운동), postpone (연기하다), sufficiently (충분히), late dinner (늦은 저녁 식사), restless schedule (편안하지 못한 일정), fill in the vacancy (공백을 채우다), come home (집에 오다)
3. Nevertheless (그럼에도 불구하고), society’s careful consideration (사회적인 고려), support (지원하다), remotely (원격으로), prime example (대표적인 예), Covid-19 pandemic (코로나 19 팬데믹), feeling more comfortable (보다 편안함을 느끼다), government agencies (정부 기관), parental leaves (육아 휴가), financially (재정적으로), low birth rate (저출산), interest (관심), financial stability (재정적 안정), significant role (중요한 역할), both parents working (양부모가 일하는)
4. In conclusion (마지막으로), evident (분명한), acknowledge (인정하다), contributors (기여자), social services (사회적 서비스), company well-fares (기업 복지)
제출한 라이팅
In recent times, there are more parents who both spend time working, leaving their children apart from them. Because of this trend, there are detrimental impacts to children’s emotional growth and overall well-being. However, both children and parents could break through the difficulties with the support from the workplaces and government agencies.
To start with, children are spending more time outdoors which leads to fatigue. School curriculums and activities are organized and planned for the students, considering their average time of concentration and strength. While learning through further institutions seems to be beneficial, it is obvious that students will lack relaxation and get exhausted. For example, it is discovered by a survey that children who have both parents working, do at least 3 afterschool activities daily, such as learning musical instruments, language courses, and sports. Moreover, most of these children answered that they have to postpone their meals to sufficiently take the lessons and then go home at 8 in the evening to have a late dinner. Therefore, it is clear that children are undergoing restless schedule to fill in the vacancy until their parents come home.
Nevertheless, these families could be assisted through the society’s careful consideration. Firstly, companies could support parents to work remotely to spend more time with their children. One prime example was seen during Covid-19 pandemic when many employees had to work from home. Many of them claimed that they are feeling more comfortable because they could spend more time with their family. Secondly, the government agencies could encourage the parents to take parental leaves by supporting them financially. Recently in Korea, government has announced that they have increased the budget to overcome low birth rate. Parents who both use parental leaves could get double the amount of money compared to the past. After this announcement, many parents showed interest and have decided to spend time for their children being less concerned of financial stability. Hence, government and the company could play a significant role for children who have both parents working.
In conclusion, it is evident that children are not getting enough rest because they are doing more afterschool activities while their parents are working. Therefore, governments and companies should acknowledge this issue and try to become contributors of resolving it with social services and company well-fares.
To start with, children are spending more time outdoors which leads to fatigue. School curriculums and activities are organized and planned for the students, considering their average time of concentration and strength. While learning through further institutions seems to be beneficial, it is obvious that students will lack relaxation and get exhausted. For example, it is discovered by a survey that children who have both parents working, do at least 3 afterschool activities daily, such as learning musical instruments, language courses, and sports. Moreover, most of these children answered that they have to postpone their meals to sufficiently take the lessons and then go home at 8 in the evening to have a late dinner. Therefore, it is clear that children are undergoing restless schedule to fill in the vacancy until their parents come home.
Nevertheless, these families could be assisted through the society’s careful consideration. Firstly, companies could support parents to work remotely to spend more time with their children. One prime example was seen during Covid-19 pandemic when many employees had to work from home. Many of them claimed that they are feeling more comfortable because they could spend more time with their family. Secondly, the government agencies could encourage the parents to take parental leaves by supporting them financially. Recently in Korea, government has announced that they have increased the budget to overcome low birth rate. Parents who both use parental leaves could get double the amount of money compared to the past. After this announcement, many parents showed interest and have decided to spend time for their children being less concerned of financial stability. Hence, government and the company could play a significant role for children who have both parents working.
In conclusion, it is evident that children are not getting enough rest because they are doing more afterschool activities while their parents are working. Therefore, governments and companies should acknowledge this issue and try to become contributors of resolving it with social services and company well-fares.
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